On a completely different topic, I did get a chance to practice some small 180s this morning.
H and I normally walk to work together, or get the train when it's late but sometimes in the past I think he was a bit resentful when we had to get the train because of the cost (because he walks faster than me, so he could still get there in time by walking even if we left late). Tuesday and today we were late. Tuesday he very tentatively said "it's late, we need to get the train... would it be alright with you if I walked in and you get the train? I don't have enough money for the train." He looked scared. In the past I would have been upset with not getting to walk in together and gotten angry or sad but this time I just cheerfully said "that's fine!" This morning again he said "I think I will walk in, is that ok?" But this time he didn't seem scared, he looked a bit sad/disappointed.
Another 180 was that he carried my laptop in for me, but forgot to bring it to me and then delayed a lot which caused me to be delayed in getting down to work. In the past I would have gotten very annoyed and pitched a fit, but this time I kept my emotions in check, and just said "thanks for carrying it in to the office for me, I appreciate it". (which was another 180 because in the past I never thanked him...god I was kind of a b!tch!).
And you know what? I feel better for it! My M is over but I do believe DB has made me a better person and I am so thankful for it, and this site, and everyone on it. You guys rock!!
Last edited by susana4; 03/12/1512:21 PM.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
And you know what? I feel better for it! My M is over but I do believe DB has made me a better person and I am so thankful for it, and this site, and everyone on it. You guys rock!!
This is most important: DBing is not just for the period where we try to save our M or ourselves: it's learning a new way to be so that these things have less chances of happening to us. Every time I make a special effort to be different, to be better, I wonder if I could live like this for the rest of my life. Because DBing shouldn't be a trap for the WAS where we act right for a few months and, once their back, revert to our old ways.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
And you know what? I feel better for it! My M is over but I do believe DB has made me a better person and I am so thankful for it, and this site, and everyone on it. You guys rock!!
This is most important: DBing is not just for the period where we try to save our M or ourselves: it's learning a new way to be so that these things have less chances of happening to us. Every time I make a special effort to be different, to be better, I wonder if I could live like this for the rest of my life. Because DBing shouldn't be a trap for the WAS where we act right for a few months and, once their back, revert to our old ways.
I do worry about this sometimes, Mozza - backsliding. Well not so much that I'll revert once he's back (lately I don't think he's coming back) but that I will revert once he's gone. But I really do want to keep up my changes!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Make love to him when you feel truly loved, don't do it just for the sex. Passion is great, but make sure you are being loved first. Listen to your gut feeling if he seems to be open to work on the M.
Ok so this is going to sound weird and possibly also get some 2x4s...but I do feel loved. Has he recommitted to the M? No, absolutely not! But loved? Well, yes.
We haven't had R talks in a long time but the last ones we had, he said he was still in love with me. I know, don't trust their words! But if I'm going by actions, I think his actions are loving.
I guess I think that love, and the working on the M, are separate issues with H. I think Wonka said it well about why he doesn't want to work on the M:
Quote:
Her H is simply unsure of how to "work" on a marriage as they've transitioned out from the honeymoon phase and into the nitty gritty of a real marriage that includes conflicts and disagreements.
Also to add in what my DB coach said yesterday - it seems like he has a fear of abandonment, and doesn't feel 'good enough', and sometimes people with that run away so they can be the first to leave. He also felt trapped and like he couldnt pursue his own life and goals, because he felt like he was always taking care of me.
Sorry, I've started rambling. To sum up - the more I think about it, the more I feel like there isn't a way to explain why I don't want to ML without bringing up something about the R (recommitment to the M).
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I've noticed that your H keeps complaining ALOT about money -- especially when it comes to acts involving you. Taking the train to work, going on dates. Yet, he seems to have the funds to go on ski trips and vacations with his buddies?
Is there something going on with that? It just that money keeps popping up into your thread every third post or so.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I really get that link between ML and R. My issue has always been weakness of the 'flesh', in other words for me sex gets better the longer my R goes. It is easy to let things take there course at the start of a new R and waiting is no issue.
Once deep in the R , once the ML starts then I am so weak. I would be unable to do as you have done, afraid the old va va voom gets going and no brakes. So for me there is no starting on this as there is no stopping.
I take my hat off to you gf, you must have nerves and real will power.
C, He has a lot of issues with money, he always has. He complains about it constantly which is why it keeps coming up! It's not just in relation to me, I've probably just only written that part. He complains about going out with his friends and spending money on dinners or drinks. And he actually complained about going on his ski trip, but he'd already booked it so couldn't get out. I've never seen anyone so unhappy about going on a vacation!!
He tends to complain about money but then spend it anyway, then complain about how he spent it and doesn't have any. It's quite annoying tbh, and I used to lecture him about his spending habits but I've stopped that as part of a 180 (not being critical). He gets especially unhappy for a week at the beginning of every month when he does his budgets. It's like his version of PMS!
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Just to add - he's not actually short on money. It's just that he *feels* like he is. So it's not a matter of having money troubles, it's just a matter of complaining. I think it's because he grew up in a family with a lot of money troubles (so much so they couldn't always put food on the table), so it's a scarcity mentality. I try to remind myself that and have compassion but I do get annoyed sometimes.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
Sorry for my poor word choice. I just meant what if he just takes control and stops asking for ML.
Me 32 (German) Wife 28 T 3yrs M 2yrs Moved to US for W No kids BD 6/2014 In house separation Confirmed EA 1/2015 (ongoing since BD) OM not ready Real D talk started 1/27/15
I really get that link between ML and R. My issue has always been weakness of the 'flesh', in other words for me sex gets better the longer my R goes. It is easy to let things take there course at the start of a new R and waiting is no issue.
Once deep in the R , once the ML starts then I am so weak. I would be unable to do as you have done, afraid the old va va voom gets going and no brakes. So for me there is no starting on this as there is no stopping.
I take my hat off to you gf, you must have nerves and real will power.
