Part 16 - edz, just edz

[edz]

Hi OD

Im glad I'm not the only one. Always felt this way, everyone else seems to move in life with an arrow like direction and then navigates. Me I always wonder when will I feel like that? I did about my m, I did that I wanted to be a dad. Nothing else though, ever I've always thought that odd.

Not I dont achieve things, I'm very good at finishing what I start and improvising solutions others miss. But as to knowing what *I* want, no clue. Not now, not ever apart from the above.

I was interested in music at a young age but like many things never pursued it as I was being "responsible" to aged grandparents, sick mother and then when those weren't the issue wanted to earn money.

I still like music now, thought about getting back into keyboards and gave it a try back in December but it just made me feel worse for some reason, tried lessons but I think Im beyond having that dream now. Maybe I'll try again when things move on from now. What about you, cant you give it a go now, may not work out but you can try?

44 here, 45 in November. I suppose I made the big mistake of thinking there'd be time, w would eventually be done with running around after MIL, after friends, after s and spend time with me, like a sad unwanted pup. Completely passed me by to devote some time to what I wanted and I ended up doing what I though I wanted with computers and solitary pursuits and ended up becoming so insular Im not sure I'll ever fully undo it, counselling helped me a lot to recognise the problem I just dont know what the solution is.

My life people have said you're just shy once you get out there... it's never happened despite a lot of effort. I dont, really dont, blame w for my state before bd - yes her pushing me away contributed but it wasnt in a vacuum, problem was the more I got pushed away the more I internalised, the more I did that the less worthwhile I felt, eventually that manifested as me not caring about myself at all, getting fat etc etc. I can undo all that fairly easily, its only physical and im well on my way, feeling worthwhile and dealing with people by myself, still as impossible as its always been.

I was amazed how well w and i hit it off on day 1 after meeting online (I'd previously come out of a relationship that never really got going and I was left out of pocket and hurt 6 months before I met w) we just "were" and it was a natural "oh, its you" style moment. I dont know when but w (in the above) apparently said she had her doubts from the beginning, I don't remember them at the beginning but certainly from just before and after the wedding and then after we had s. MIL has been a constant damaging factor and of course now w is torn whether or not she would alienate her if she attempted a reconciliation with me, I don't imagine that's her only deciding factor but, knowing w and the terror she has (literally - terror) at disappointing her mother it will be a factor.

See you've got me waffling again OD