Part 16 - edz, just edz

[edz]

Well was ravenous by the time I got home this evening (last eat at 8 last night) fed the bft then some humdrum stuff (dishwasher, bins etc as tomorrow is bin day) fried off some chicken and chucked in the remainder of the roast pork from yesterday then made up a jalfreisy with extra chilli's (sorry Jim!) And rice just ate the lot with a glass of white wine now very, very full.

Nothing from w and not that worried I know she's said she's off to her friends so most likely she's there. Got an update in the post for local activities so sitting down with that tonight but as the first thing was weight watchers and the next 3 for the over 60s so far not much doing (perils of where I live students and retirees really) hey ho tired and a little worn down tonight but soldiering on.

[edz]

Texts received from w but only to say she was having issues with paypal (PW locked & regd to my email) tempted to leave until tomorrow but guessed for something for s.

Resolved simple text saying great thanks.

Back in the cupboard I go in so far as w I suppose. I do sometimes think if it was just w would this be easier or harder as I'm more responsive as I dont want to put s in the middle or let him lose out but in doing so I just become support.

Ah well. I think I'll head for bed. Rather had enough today..

[edz]

Mmmm not sleeping much.

Through various channels found out earlier w had said (paraphrasing) she'd always had doubts, recognises I've changed can't change herself quickly, says we get on and have s in common that she doesn't want to return because she thinks there's no better option. I dont think she thinks she loves me though.

I know confirmed she not been dating but its being pushed by her friends (although so have mine).

Im not sure if this is good or not. Sounds like some good has happened during bd but if w doesn't love me well game over really sadly.

Having said that this is multiple hand so could be filtered.

Not having a good week....

[edz]

Thinking of dropping plans for Sunday and just rearranging S's days so he and w can share the day without me. Not sure whether to just go dark for a while.

I do feel there's uncertainty which w has said for a while but also like she's simply hedging her bets.

Things seemed positive on Sunday as well. If the above is true and it seems to be she said this to someone only a few hours after we had a long phone call and before our Monday morning brunch. Its possible Monday changed some things I suppose but I'm very uncertain now.

Dont think pushing w to talk is a wise move in any case which leaves me precisely nowhere..

[rd500]

Hi Edz. Sorry your down but please remember that your W left for her own reasons. She didn't decide over night to go and she won't be deciding to come back in a hurry. I wouldn't take too much notice of what you hear , it's all about what you see. Your W lives somewhere other than with you and that's a fact. If and when your W wants to reconcile then you will know. You have made great progress in your own personal life and with S so focus on that. It's very hard but accept what is while continuing to be the best Edz you can be Anyone can change their mind over anything. What your W says today could change tomorrow

Take care. Rd

[Sotto]

"if w doesn't love me well game over really sadly"

Edz, I'm so sorry you heard all of the above. I actually think there is some good news in there for you in that W can see changes, feels you get along etc. However, clearly she's still somewhat conflicted.

I think this is definitely a time to 'believe nothing that she says' - because we know that WAS's can be all over the place with things - thinking one way one day and another way the next day. If you 'believed' everything they say, you would go up in a puff of smoke.

The other important thing to remember, lovely Edz, is that the game isn't over until you decide it is. Until you get to the point where you decide your future life will no longer be with W and you move on. It doesn't sound to me that you are at this point, and this is another bend in the road, a set-back from which you can move forwards. Remember, time and patience..

Edz, I still think your focus is very much on your W and I would love to see it more on Edz. The thing is, staying so focused on your W causes you pain, and doesn't make any positive difference to your sitch either - it just hurts you. I'm struggling with the same thing TBH, and still think about H way more than is ideal.

I would love to see Edz fulfilling some personal dreams and doing some things he would love to do - not 'going back in his cupboard' as you say above. I know you have struggled with the GAL aspect, and it can be hard I agree - but it is something that helps shift focus away from the sitch, which does help.

So, my advice is - no major moves - don't undo positive progress. Do, however try and shift focus away from W, onto yourself and plan some things. DBing for you isn't 'game over' - but you are not there yet either my friend. Hang on in there, and enjoy what Edz' life has to offer in the meantime. (((Edz)))

[edz]

Thanks Toots, Rd.

There's nothing there I didn't think w had been thinking about, I knew she'd had her doubts in the m (I heard fragments she nearly didn't go through with it beforehand many years back but we were quite solid at the time, I know the first days of honeymoon she was distant and in retrospect think it was panic over the magnitude of what she just did) and I knew other things she'd mentioned as well (still no op) although she'd never told me.

Yes the changed bit was a small ray of light, I suppose a lot depends on what she does next.

Yes its up to me do I stand but I do feel on the ropes insofar as the m.

Looking back Ive been trying to keep us together for a very long time, not in terms of OP but in terms of pretty much disinterest. Once s came along w had a new focus and I was pushed further and further to the periphery not great for someone with a tendency to co-dependence.

I think I've felt very lonely for a very long time (pre bd) and now if w chooses not to invest in trying i'm not sure I have the fight left in me either, may be time to heal and then see if someone else would want to put in at least some of that effort because they want to be with me. If someone does of course.

Not there yet though, suppose I'm just looking at the worst case scenario.

My personal dreams not sure I know what those are any more Toots, that's not said in a sorry for myself way, I just don't know.

One of the issues I have with GAL is I think about and try some things (don't post everything I try here as it'd make me sound very negative and making excuses) but most stuff just doesn't do anything for me, I turn up feel apart from the others despite trying to chat etc, go home strike that off the list rinse, repeat.

Nothing new, I've felt like this a very long time indeed pre-w I tend to come alive and engage when I do new things with people I trust, w and I in the pre-s early days would go and do things random trips and that was fun as it was shared, I've travelled by myself and (to me - I know Gan etc are marvels and amazing at this) but just seems a new view and empty.

This probably sounds like me being hung up on w and, yes, to a degree it is, but I spoke to the counsellor about it too. I fell into my line of work I didn't really "choose" it there's a line in the 1999 track "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" that says:

"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t."

The 40 years olds section describes me (not that I know if I'm interesting) I've never really known, we worked out that some of my co-dependency came from w giving me a sense of that. I'm over that now, despite my ramblings I don't miss w every moment or focus every moment but I don't feel anything has latched onto me or me it in my life, GAL activities being a big fat fail are an aspect of that I suppose.

Bonding with s is the one exception to this, travelling with him may be something I can expand more this summer.

Anyway, sorry for the waffling.

I'm not making any major moves, gone dark insofar as initiating contact, if w contacts me cool and I'll stick with the warm replies. I need to chase a booking for Sunday today when I have a mo off this phone, if its confirmed we'll go I imagine if not I think I'll down scale the plan.

Thanks again ((((Toots)))) and Rd.

[Old Dog]

Edz, much of what you have written resonates with me too.

We all know it's hard, so waffle away, it's all part of beginning to understand who you are, what you need, what you want and what you can do without.

I'm 54 and I've never known what I wanted to do with my life other than be involved in music, which I was between 1981 and 1997 ish. I no longer am, partly due to WW and I miss it.

[edz]

Hi OD

Im glad I'm not the only one. Always felt this way, everyone else seems to move in life with an arrow like direction and then navigates. Me I always wonder when will I feel like that? I did about my m, I did that I wanted to be a dad. Nothing else though, ever I've always thought that odd.

Not I dont achieve things, I'm very good at finishing what I start and improvising solutions others miss. But as to knowing what *I* want, no clue. Not now, not ever apart from the above.

I was interested in music at a young age but like many things never pursued it as I was being "responsible" to aged grandparents, sick mother and then when those weren't the issue wanted to earn money.

I still like music now, thought about getting back into keyboards and gave it a try back in December but it just made me feel worse for some reason, tried lessons but I think Im beyond having that dream now. Maybe I'll try again when things move on from now. What about you, cant you give it a go now, may not work out but you can try?

44 here, 45 in November. I suppose I made the big mistake of thinking there'd be time, w would eventually be done with running around after MIL, after friends, after s and spend time with me, like a sad unwanted pup. Completely passed me by to devote some time to what I wanted and I ended up doing what I though I wanted with computers and solitary pursuits and ended up becoming so insular Im not sure I'll ever fully undo it, counselling helped me a lot to recognise the problem I just dont know what the solution is.

My life people have said you're just shy once you get out there... it's never happened despite a lot of effort. I dont, really dont, blame w for my state before bd - yes her pushing me away contributed but it wasnt in a vacuum, problem was the more I got pushed away the more I internalised, the more I did that the less worthwhile I felt, eventually that manifested as me not caring about myself at all, getting fat etc etc. I can undo all that fairly easily, its only physical and im well on my way, feeling worthwhile and dealing with people by myself, still as impossible as its always been.

I was amazed how well w and i hit it off on day 1 after meeting online (I'd previously come out of a relationship that never really got going and I was left out of pocket and hurt 6 months before I met w) we just "were" and it was a natural "oh, its you" style moment. I dont know when but w (in the above) apparently said she had her doubts from the beginning, I don't remember them at the beginning but certainly from just before and after the wedding and then after we had s. MIL has been a constant damaging factor and of course now w is torn whether or not she would alienate her if she attempted a reconciliation with me, I don't imagine that's her only deciding factor but, knowing w and the terror she has (literally - terror) at disappointing her mother it will be a factor.

See you've got me waffling again OD

[edz]

BTW OD, anything I'd have heard of in that time you were involved in music?