Part 16 - edz, just edz

[edz]

Thanks Toots, Rd.

There's nothing there I didn't think w had been thinking about, I knew she'd had her doubts in the m (I heard fragments she nearly didn't go through with it beforehand many years back but we were quite solid at the time, I know the first days of honeymoon she was distant and in retrospect think it was panic over the magnitude of what she just did) and I knew other things she'd mentioned as well (still no op) although she'd never told me.

Yes the changed bit was a small ray of light, I suppose a lot depends on what she does next.

Yes its up to me do I stand but I do feel on the ropes insofar as the m.

Looking back Ive been trying to keep us together for a very long time, not in terms of OP but in terms of pretty much disinterest. Once s came along w had a new focus and I was pushed further and further to the periphery not great for someone with a tendency to co-dependence.

I think I've felt very lonely for a very long time (pre bd) and now if w chooses not to invest in trying i'm not sure I have the fight left in me either, may be time to heal and then see if someone else would want to put in at least some of that effort because they want to be with me. If someone does of course.

Not there yet though, suppose I'm just looking at the worst case scenario.

My personal dreams not sure I know what those are any more Toots, that's not said in a sorry for myself way, I just don't know.

One of the issues I have with GAL is I think about and try some things (don't post everything I try here as it'd make me sound very negative and making excuses) but most stuff just doesn't do anything for me, I turn up feel apart from the others despite trying to chat etc, go home strike that off the list rinse, repeat.

Nothing new, I've felt like this a very long time indeed pre-w I tend to come alive and engage when I do new things with people I trust, w and I in the pre-s early days would go and do things random trips and that was fun as it was shared, I've travelled by myself and (to me - I know Gan etc are marvels and amazing at this) but just seems a new view and empty.

This probably sounds like me being hung up on w and, yes, to a degree it is, but I spoke to the counsellor about it too. I fell into my line of work I didn't really "choose" it there's a line in the 1999 track "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" that says:

"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t."

The 40 years olds section describes me (not that I know if I'm interesting) I've never really known, we worked out that some of my co-dependency came from w giving me a sense of that. I'm over that now, despite my ramblings I don't miss w every moment or focus every moment but I don't feel anything has latched onto me or me it in my life, GAL activities being a big fat fail are an aspect of that I suppose.

Bonding with s is the one exception to this, travelling with him may be something I can expand more this summer.

Anyway, sorry for the waffling.

I'm not making any major moves, gone dark insofar as initiating contact, if w contacts me cool and I'll stick with the warm replies. I need to chase a booking for Sunday today when I have a mo off this phone, if its confirmed we'll go I imagine if not I think I'll down scale the plan.

Thanks again ((((Toots)))) and Rd.