Ah... I think I see. I read the boundaries link again, and given that there is a book there to find, I believe I'll find it and read it.

I went to the first meetup event tonight and holy mackerel, by the time it was done I felt freakin' bulletproof. I got home at midnight and discovered that W wasn't home-- I decided to go get her (from OM's place, where she'd been for the previous five hours), not really because I wanted to enable or coddle her by driving her home, but because every time I confirm by text that she's at his place late into the night, that's more hard evidence for adultery if I want to file that way.

Anyway, as we drove home, she asked me about where I'd been and what I'd been up to, and subsequently noticed and commented on the fact that I was being unresponsive and distant... but I wasn't *sullen*, so I was able to wave it away with "I just don't have much to say." And I didn't feel badly, either, that she didn't volunteer anything about what she'd been up to. In other words, in my prior attempts at 180 it's been too easy for her to infer that I'm not talking to her because I'm upset or withdrawn or otherwise unhappy with her; this time, I was perfectly happy, because I'd just had a really fun time, and I just didn't care about talking with her.

Maybe it'll be difficult to hold on to the feeling I've had tonight, because it's a bizarre feeling that I've never felt before in my life-- the calm conviction that I don't need ANYONE to be my wife or lover. I actually can get along just fine by myself.

(Current financial dependence notwithstanding.)

Which, combined with the fact that she fled to him the moment I informed her that I'd be busy this evening (I hadn't intended to tell her, but she texted me midday with a comment that prompted the reveal), just makes it all the more obvious and all the more sad that she's helplessly addicted.

It doesn't take much to get a life. Not really. And I've got stuff to do for the next two evenings, too. As long as I can maintain this feeling, and not get battered back down again, then I'll be able to keep my mind from ruminating and therefore be able to hunker down to the job hunt during the days. Which is very much what I need.