Wife having emotional affair 5

[sandi2]

What was your response to her?

[PatientMan]

I know it seems like on the forums we are all "wet towels". I'm sorry about that. But facts are facts. You have to follow her actions.

My dad taught me a phrase a long time ago called "medicating with positive intention". It works with ANY addiction. It goes like this. Get your fix. Come crashing down. See how bad everything is, and how stupid your addiction is. Feel TERRIBLE. Make up your mind you're going to stop. Even though you're still in the cycle, just knowing you're going to stop makes you feel relieved and a bit better. Then, you feel good enough, what's the problem? Things aren't that bad. I don't know if I want to stop. We'll see. Oh look, another fix, F it, that looks good...REPEAT.

Look. My family and I have all gone through various addictions I can't even list. Makes my family look pretty darn disfunctional. But I know my addictions. I believe your W is being sincere with her regret, her pain, her suffering for the loss, her wishes that is was different......................but maaaaaaaan, until you can stop hitting the crack pipe it doesn't matter. You'll keep going because you can't stop even as it destroys you and you know the price you're paying.

OM is her addiction. Until she stops she's not driving the ship. Her emotions are. And she'll continue to flop all over in her mind to rationalize why she's doing what she's doing when in fact she's out of control.

The idea of "not wanting to push her when she's on the fence" just doesn't mesh with ANYTHING about addiction treatment. If you give an addict an inch they'll take a foot. Look at all the posts where WAW's have said they need "time to think it over", or have acted loving just enough to keep their LBS around. It's not even keeping them as a plan B, it's about AVOIDING CONSEQUENCES for their choices.

Meanwhile every vet on here (and every therapist facing addiction treatment) says DON'T ENABLE or protect them from the consequences of their choices. Seriously. You are only slowing things down.

You're right. She IS on the fence. She is torn between a destructive path and a healthy one. But she won't be able to make a healthy choice until she truly has to choose. She'll keep spiralling until she is out of room to do that.

Great post and perspective.

Just to clarify my own thoughts using this line of reasoning, I do not think it wise to push her for the sake of pushing her. In fact, let's call that "shove." A push is simply to establish and stand firm in your standards. Yes, you are an option, but you are not going to sacrifice yourself in order to be one. SHE is welcome to rejoin YOU if she chooses.

And just to clarify that, there is nothing good in standing firm just to stand firm. That would just be "stubbornness" and counterproductive. Find your sweet-spot of balance between compassion and conviction.

-PM

[3kids]

Zues all I can say is wow. What a great post! I'm ashamed to addmitt this but when I was a teenager I dealt with a drug problem. So I know what your talking about. It wasn't until I overdosed and asked for help from my parents. That I got the help I needed. They locked me up for a of awhile and sent me to rehab. So trust me I understand addiction.

Things took a big turn yesterday. Some great news came from our realtor. Do to a bank error. I don't think we will be looking at anything to serious on a short sale of our old house. I have to talk to an accountant to totally understand every thing. But the way it sounds. We will be walking away from our house with money in our pocket and free and clear of every thing else. So that's really really great news.

The bad news is the buyer now wants to close early. Like today if he could. This puts the wife in a corner. She probably has a week maybe two to find a place for her and the kids. With nothing in her check book and no savings. Right now she is against the wall.

I got so excited with the news yesterday. I went over to the old house and started packing up the rest of my stuff. I really wasn't thinking about the wife or anything. Just pure excitement to be done with this whole house ordeal. I walked into the house and there was the wife, with her head down and crying. I found out a lot. She dumped OM. I think this one is for real. I could even feel the hatred coming from her voice when she briefly talked about boxing up his crap and dropping it off. Right now she is like a cornered animal that doesn't know where to go. She doesn't have any clue in which way to turn. She does not want to jump into my place so she is thinking about living with family for this moment.

I did offer my couch and a place for her to stay. As for her stuff she could put it in my shed if she decided to. I have a great group of friends where I could gut the place in two days. The kids could stay with me full time if need be and she could get them when ever. This is all stuff I would do for a friend or coworker anytime. Let alone my kids mom.

Sandi, I validated and offered a place to stay. I listened and kept my emotions under control. I said yes to counseling and keeping the best interests of the kids in mind. The I did the best thing I could have done. I repeated back to her what I had heard from her. And at this point is, she is done with OM, she is thinking about us as a family but wants to take things very cautiously because with the kids, would like to discuss counseling not only for us but in a big way for her, she realizes that she has to be happy for us to even have a chance. These are positive steps.

But with the short notice on the house, this all might get put off for a little. I think I have moved from a WAW in a affair to just a WAW. But I'm keeping my same way of doing things and letting her lead. Right now it's what's best for ME and my KIDS.

PM he sweet spot is very difficult right now! Just can't push to hard or offer to much. With her depression who knows what will happen?

I just have to say Zues what a powerful post.

If you all think I'm doing something wrong let me know. Because advise is always welcome!

Thanks as always
3kids

[sandi2]

Sandi, I validated and offered a place to stay. I listened and kept my emotions under control. I said yes to counseling and keeping the best interests of the kids in mind. The I did the best thing I could have done. I repeated back to her what I had heard from her. And at this point is, she is done with OM, she is thinking about us as a family but wants to take things very cautiously because with the kids, would like to discuss counseling not only for us but in a big way for her, she realizes that she has to be happy for us to even have a chance. These are positive steps.

She has certainly made a step in the right direction, and it sounds as if you handled it well. I am so glad you did not try to pressure her to just come home, let you take care of her, etc. I feel you did the right thing to offer her the couch.........since she expressed remorse, dumped OM and is at least talking about making the right choices in other things. I think it is positive that she has taken notice of the kids and that she has done a lot of damage to their hearts.

The withdrawal from the A still has to happen, and although she may not have any intentions of seeing OM again, she will still have to experience withdrawal. I won't say anymore about that right now, you already know. Since you were able to control yourself and not try to seize the moment to get her back........I am feeling better about you. Her, too. It's hard not to have hope when there is a flicker of light, right? However keep your feet planted.

So here is really the main thing I want to say now. She needs to feel she has choices. She realizes her choices are very limited at the moment, however, she still does not want to be forced by circumstances or people to do something she isn't ready to do. Neither do you want her to come back due to having no other choice. She sounds as if she is trying to approach this honestly by not pretending to suddenly have old feelings again, like some women do. Again, you held it together and simply offered her a place to sleep instead of being out on the streets.

Let her come to you, not out of sheer desperation, but b/c it is a choice she freely made without any pressure from you. She's in bad shape but still wants to feel she has some control over her own life. Frankly, I think it would be a good plan for her to stay with her parents. I also believe she needs IC before you both attend MC. I have seen Starsky recommend finding a good family therapist, and in your case with the kids......may be a good consideration.

I hope her parents will influence her to go to the doctor.

A lot of work ahead, but here's praying that she will turn to the right support to get her life back on track.

[3kids]

Thank you Sandi.

Interesting phone call last night. She called to let me know what day she had given the realtor for a closing date. Monday after Easter. She mentioned her plan to keep looking for a place during that time. If she fond nothing she was going to move into her moms. Until school was out for the summer. Some how and I have no clue how but the convo got turned to OM. And I simply asked I thought you where done with him. She stated she absolutely was and her family and friends would kill her if she went back to him. And asked me not to tell the kids because she wanted to and she has a plan for everything with OM and them. And it won't work if I tell them. "Ok none of my business"

Then a phone call today. Just weird. She calls and says the kids tell me your coming out today to pack some more stuff up. I said no they misunderstood that's tomorrow. I need to grab some stuff for the party I'm having for the St. Pats day parade. She said oh that's to bad. I said I was going to ask tonight if that was ok since it's your place right now. She didn't answer and said goodbye.

Now I'm not going to change my plans at all for her or I don't think I should. I guess how available do I be in the future? I'm not putting to much on today. There is probably way to many emotions going on in her. Just confused!

Thanks
3kids

[3kids]

Well this just keeps getting odder and odder. I don't understand if this is a withdrawal thing or what. Now she texts me and says she was really looking forward to see me tonight is all. But will have to wait till tomorrow frown face. Then asks why I couldn't make it tonight.

I'm sorry, call me dumb. But I'm confused as he!!. Can some one explain.

3kids

[MrBond]

There is no explanation. You can't explain their state of mind. Just continue to detach. So I'm not getting it. Is she still seeing the OM or not?

[3kids]

Mr.Bond good luck figuring that out as well. He doesn't live in my state. It's almost like she has a plan or something when he comes back. And some how it involves my kids. But she has said in a very angry tone of voice she is done with him. It's crazy. I don't know if she wants to hurt this guy or not hurt his feelings. All I know is what she has said. And that is she is very done with this guy. I'm just trying to keep this drama at a low point right now. But weird how things change so fast. Crazy!

[PatientMan]

Well this just keeps getting odder and odder. I don't understand if this is a withdrawal thing or what. Now she texts me and says she was really looking forward to see me tonight is all. But will have to wait till tomorrow frown face. Then asks why I couldn't make it tonight.

I'm sorry, call me dumb. But I'm confused as he!!. Can some one explain.

Mr.Bond good luck figuring that out as well. He doesn't live in my state. It's almost like she has a plan or something when he comes back. And some how it involves my kids. But she has said in a very angry tone of voice she is done with him. It's crazy. I don't know if she wants to hurt this guy or not hurt his feelings. All I know is what she has said. And that is she is very done with this guy. I'm just trying to keep this drama at a low point right now. But weird how things change so fast. Crazy!

You're thinking too much.

Is it an inconvenience for you to change your plans? Do you WANT to change your plans? Or are you contemplating operating out of fear that if you DON'T change your plans to see her then that will be the deal-breaker on your relationship?

There's no need to answer that to me, but be honest with yourself. If you're in that last boat, you still have a lot of work to do and probably shouldn't worry about jumping through her hoops. The truth is, if she's serious about reconciling with you, it isn't contingent upon you changing your plans.

On the other hand, if you're in a really good spot, it's easy to change your plans, and you really feel like you want to, go for it.

In my very humble opinion, if a simple request such as this has your head spinning, even just a little, then you are NOT "in a good spot." Also, please remember that I'm just a stranger who knows only what you've told me and probably doesn't remember half of it. Ultimately, this question can only be answered by YOU.

-PM

[3kids]

PM thank you. I feel I am in a good spot. Just not use to her trying to make an effort. It's kind of confusing me.

Like right now, her plan as it is to move all her stuff between her storage shed and my place. Live at her moms and slowly work her way into my house. Which is fine. But then every other day or so she will make a comment that totally contradicts what her plan is that she has told me. Now I don't say anything when she makes these comments. Because she is probably scared or unsure of something when they come out. But I guess I need to look at some positives. She calls more and texts more.

The probable I have is that she is not blunt in words. She himms and ha's around stuff. Take last night, I was taking the kids to a science exhibit at the school. Right before we left my daughter had to go to the bathroom. Then I get her yelling for me and says I'm bleeding. Yep, my 9 year old daughter started her period. I handled it as good as a freaked out dad could handle it. Ran to the store and stared at a wall and finally called the wife (didn't answer,working) then family members for help on what to get (I am not ready for this). The wife called me back shortly and told me what to do. The wife said she would stop over after work and she did. She explained every thing that needs to be done. I thanked her and she left. She sent a text this morning saying "I really wish I was there for all these events, I hate that I'm not".

This is what I don't get. If you hate something why not change it!

Confused but left with patience

Thanks
3kids