Quick rundown: • 03/13- My youngest daughter is born. H. tells me when she's six weeks old he isn't happy. • 4/13-7/13- Walking on eggshells while being home with a newborn and toddler. H says he's committed though and even though we never really sit down and "talk" about our problems (he comes from a very passive-agressive, non-communicative family), I assume we'll be OK no matter what. • Late 7/13-After months of battling both depression and ppd, my children's pediatrician strongly suggests medication, which I had resisted for years. I go on it. • 8/13- Wake up one morning and can totally feel the difference. Have't felt like this in years. • 8/13-12/13-Things are better with me and H. We go out for my birthday in Sept. and over drinks I ask if we can talk about our issues, the depression, etc., the fact that I am better and what this means for our marriage. He refuses and says he doesn't want to talk about it. • 12/13- Extremely stressed over the holidays. Completely lose it on H old-school Lorelai-style— the way I was before medication. Can't keep it together. See OB first of the year and get the meds increased. • 1/14- After a day of being really snippy and mean and nasty to me all day, I finally ask H one Sunday afternoon what's wrong. He starts crying and I get the "I'm not happy" all over again. • 1/14-???-Enter Superwife. Not only do I finally have the depression and anxiety under control, but I start taking over a majority of the childcare, I reboot my struggling career, I make contacts with colleagues H has suggested I contact about work for years, but I was too scared because of the anxiety, I actually feel happier than ever. I decorate and beautify the house... enjoy my time with the kids... everything seems perfect except my marriage. H never snaps out of it. The changes are all too little, too late. I wish I had made them when he first said he was unhappy after our second baby was born, but honestly, while I own my mistakes, I was so out of it after having a C-section and caring for a newborn and 2 1/2 year old that strategies for fixing my marriage were the last thing on my mind. • 5/14- Get referred to an AWESOME IC through my OB who has me read about co-dependence and children of alcoholics. Because she's about to stop taking my insurance, we work almost double time to August to get me to where I need to be emotionally. 8/14- H comes with me to the last session with IC so she can fill him in on all the work she's being dong with me and what I'll be doing moving forward to work on myself. We don't really discuss the actual M or BD in this appointment. Still, I think H being there means he wants to work on our M. I am wrong. • 10/14- H is mean and nasty to me for pretty much the entire month straight: Me: "Want to go apple picking with me and the kids today, H?" H "Why would I want to do THAT?" And so on, and so on... • 11/14- I ask H to move out. The situation of him being here and every "talk" turning into another BD was making me absolutely insane. • 11/14-present- H is living with my MIL. I'm home with the kids. He takes them to MIL's two days during the week, then spends Saturdays here with them.
So what's new? I saw a L about two weeks ago. He was very down to earth and put my mind at ease in terms of finances, etc. I would feel more comfortable if we ended up D if I had a full-time job first, and H has said he would wait for that (he has not seen a L yet or filed anything) but the L I saw said I could file right now if I wanted to and still be OK financially, even though I work as a freelancer and the work can be unsteady at times. One of the things that's frustrating though is both H and I struggled with our careers through most of the M. We're in the same field and it's not the most lucrative. My dream was to make enough freelancing where I could have flexibility for the kids and still make enough to contribute to the household. H meanwhile always wanted to make more money and even the L I saw could not BELIEVE we had survived on such low salaries in the first few years of our M. It was definitely stressful. But now that H. is gone, he's making decent money and my freelance work is literally falling from the sky. If I got another project or assignment tomorrow, I'd have to turn it down. What I'm saying is if H were to come back and work on our marriage, we'd finally be in the place financially we'd always dreamed of, and the kids our healthy, our little home is lovely--everything is in place--but he insists he wants a D and that is going to rip everything apart instead. I'm trying to not focus on all the "what ifs" and not stress too much about when I'll land a full-time job and just live day to day. I didn't do that in my M--I was constantly stressed and worried about the future and the 'what ifs" and that's not how I want to live my life anymore. I don't want to totally stick my head in the sand and ignore the situation either though, so that's why I saw a L, just to get some information. Sorry about the ramble. I want to get into the habit of posting more regularly here because it not only helps to write out my thoughts, even if I don't have any advice to offer (and I don't feel qualified to offer much advice at this point) I know reading people's stories helped me feel less alone and I want to do the same for others. More to post. Will update later.
Last edited by Lorelai; 03/12/1502:00 AM.
Me: 38 H: 43 Kids: 2,4 T10 M6 BD: 1/14 11/14: H moves out
