Thank you for your input. It's not quite we are going to MC to decide on D or not, but it's pretty close to that reality.
I really don't know what is going on with my H. He has been crying a lot, saying that his life is more miserable now then ever. I feel that he miss home, family, I even feel that he miss me a lot, and he says that too.
He has some papers he needs to copy to have his financial statement ready and he didn't do anything yet. He cried and told me that he can't do it, that he can't get himself to do it. I offered to copy everything and give it ready for him and he was in shock. That's when he said that he can see me stronger every day. That I am an amazing person. (little he knows how much I cry).
I have been going out too, with friends, to parties, gym, church, eat out, dance, and he knows it. So, maybe DB works, I also told him I wouldn't stop the divorce in any circumstance because I understood our marriage was dead. In some ways maybe he feels I am trying to move on.
My H knows me and he knows I fight hard but not too long. I have a strong pride and I do not put myself begging or trying too hard if people don't want to be there with me or for me. Most things in my life I will fight forever for, but people I let go, at some point I just give up on them.
I am more confused then ever. But something inside me tells me that we still have a chance. Last weekend was different, we were a lot more open and honest with each other. We talked about things that hurt us both, things that we loved a lot, things that we misunderstand, didn't say to each other, didn't validate.
I asked him what was the worse thing that I did to him that did hurt him so much and he said was when I stopped kissing and hugging him. H is a Koala Bear, he needs affection.
I am thinking to schedule an apt with Michele at the Boulder office - it is very, very expensive, but it may be my best chance to get my life in the right track. I need to think about that. It is from 9am to 4pm. All they with Michele Weimer. So, if she can make a miracle, that will be the time.
It's hard to explain and hardest to understand. H says how much he loves me, how proud he is, tells me how talented I am, smart, intelligent, pretty, sexy. But in the same time he says that we will be OK, that we will do our D and be OK. He says he does not want to give me false hope and in the same time tells me he agrees to go to MC and go to church on Easter (to my church).
I just don't know anything anymore. Now it is pure instinct. I am cold, distant at times and I am close and warm other times. I am also being crazy in his opinion probably.
