We finally seemed to be finding our path, and then all heck broke loose. We went to MC and the first thing H brought up was the conversation I mentioned two posts ago. He said that he was really upset that I violated a boundary (by calling him back after we'd hung up) and that was not acceptable to him. I lost it. For me, the most significant bright spot in the past month had been that conversation (and the follow-ups later in the day). It was a shining example of listening, compromise, and growth in our R -- and here was H tearing it all down.
The entire session ended up being about H's boundaries and whether or not it is reasonable to expect me to meet them 100% of the time. For clarity, his boundaries are (1) not calling him on the way to work, (2) not calling him back after we've hung up the phone, and (3) not "ambushing" him with R talk. I told him that I respect his boundaries but I am human, and sometimes my needs are going to conflict. I asked for grace in those moments, just like I try to give him grace when he is imperfect. I admit, I was defensive. I am so tired of hearing my H say that I have to be perfect when he won't even try to give me 10% of what I need.
We ended up settling on the idea that what boundaries are for him, security is for me, and we agreed to discuss it later.
A few nights after MC, we went on a date. We had already decided to have our talk the following day, but we hadn't worked out any of the particulars. At the end of the date (which was completely mediocre -- H put forth no effort whatsoever to meet my need for physical affection), H asked me if we could have our talk on the phone. I said that I would prefer to talk in person. H dug in his heels and it got awkward. I told him it was fine, we could talk on the phone. When we left the restaurant, H was acting funny. I asked if he was ok, and he said yes, he was just afraid that I would call him after he left. Well, that sentiment is starting to become quite the self-fulfilling prophecy, H! Glad to know you're there for me. [/sarcasm]
I think we know where this is going. I panicked. I called him. And when he didn't answer, I called again. I think in all I called 7 times and left 4 messages. (I am really embarrassed to admit that. I have NEVER done anything like that before.) H finally called me back and spewed at me like he has never spewed before. H said he would call me back in the morning. When he called the next morning, we agreed that we just needed to forget that the previous night happened and move forward without discussing it.
I'm out of time, but I have more to update (and I DESPERATELY need advice, as I had a little breakdown today and I am wondering know if I know what "done" feels like . . .). I'll come back and post more in a little while!
