"I can not recall a case where the H saved the M and really "got his W back" by supplicating, appeasing, and any doormat methods he mistakenly thought was DBing."
which must be what I'm doing now... yes?
In laying that boundary-- especially because her reply is "we're not really married"-- are you suggesting that the do-or-divorce option is the one that should be on the table?
At the MC yesterday we established that, for the coming week, she wants "to be left alone", I want to have OM kept away from me, and we will say nothing to each other about D or R.
So we now have a room of the condo "fenced off" with curtains, and last night after returning from MC she put herself in there, drew the curtains, and didn't come out.
This morning she was pleasant to me-- said good morning, volunteered a few scraps of small talk, sent me a link to an interesting news story. I'm not fooled. I know that she woke up at least an hour before I did and spent the entire morning chatting with OM; I know that once she left for her commute she kept chatting with him the whole time. I don't have to snoop to know that (and I'm not). So I'm going to continue with my plan to go to different Meetups each evening this week. I just need to kick these stupid ruminating thoughts out of my head so I can focus again on the job hunt and gain my financial independence. It's difficult to take effective action with your hands tied.
I'm getting a few job-hunt-related tasks done, and that's good. Nothing major (and I still don't feel like eating anything-- lost 20 lbs in the past few weeks) but definitely something.
I believe that when the camping trip comes up again, as it inevitably will, then I need to say that no, I'm not okay with it, and the only "reason" to give is that it's wrong. That could precipitate filing, but isn't it true that I've lost her already? She's lost to the monster of addiction.
Reading your past 5 pages brings up anger within me. Do you not feel the same? I see your WW spitting in your face, trying to gaslight you, and not respecting your boundaries/you as a person at all. What are you doing to focus on yourself? It is very clear in your interactions that she is not thinking of you at all, and like sandi has said she is so completely focused on the OM that you are, literally, just a roommate in her mind.
One of the principles of DB is to become the spouse only a fool would leave. That is a twofold approach: 1. Get yourself to be the person that you TRULY are, and even better, not the one defined by your M/R and 2. the potential to attract your spouse back to you. I put them in that order for a reason.
Another thing I noticed is that you seem to be acting a lot out of fear, like you are walking on eggshells around her. For example, when she is stating that she thinks you should be fine with an affair partner being brought around you. Hell no. She is taking full advantage of that and storming right on over you. Stand up, take charge of your boundaries, and be strong. She will get angry. She will rewrite history (you've already seen that). She will justify her actions to the fullest extent possible. That's fine. Let her. I've personally progressed far enough in my own development that I kind of get a kick out of these behaviors. It's satisfying when WW has no good response to boundary setting, and I'm still progressively setting more.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
I typed out a reply to you this morning, but I think I left it on my Ipad without ever clicking "send". As soon as I get home from work, I'll get it to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for your reply, Squiggy. I'm gradually finding some strength-- I'm trying to focus on job-hunting, and tonight is the first of three nights I intend to just go out and socialize on my own (something I have not done for literally more than 15 years).
It's still not clear to me what clout I have in setting boundaries other than the D-bomb itself. I can't withdraw financial support, because the primary income is hers (I do have an income from online selling, but it's not a living income). Am I just being too fearful at the prospect of withdrawing my friendly attitude? How are you setting your boundaries?
Well, bound for me that I would lose my post. Anyway, we'll have another try at it. Have you read the link on boundaries? Do you know the difference in an ultimatum and a boundary?
She considers you already divorced, so you have nothing to lose and possibly everything to gain, but for certain......your self respect. Your M is over and she has already left you, right? She has given you two months to get your affairs in order. Where will you be on your personal journey in two months? It is a myth to believe that if you'll hang on that things will eventually work themselves out. Oh, you may stay legally M but you will not have a real MR without tons of hard work. So do your research about boundaries!
Quote:
It's still not clear to me what clout I have in setting boundaries other than the D-bomb itself
That is b/c you have been so dependent on this R you apparently have forgotten how to stand on your own two manly feet. God gave each gender their own special qualities, and to the man He gave him an authoritative voice, and usually a larger body that can withstand more physical hardship, than the average woman. Man can use these qualities to command troops and lead them into battle......or save lives. His entire makeup is designed to take charge and face life head on. But it only takes one little female to render him utterly powerless?
Your speech, attitude and actions portray you as defeated. You have been so dependent on this MR that you have done nothing socially on your own for 15 yrs! No wonder it is difficult for you to get motivated.
You may, or may not, get your wife back......however, you [u][/u]can get you life back!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ah... I think I see. I read the boundaries link again, and given that there is a book there to find, I believe I'll find it and read it.
I went to the first meetup event tonight and holy mackerel, by the time it was done I felt freakin' bulletproof. I got home at midnight and discovered that W wasn't home-- I decided to go get her (from OM's place, where she'd been for the previous five hours), not really because I wanted to enable or coddle her by driving her home, but because every time I confirm by text that she's at his place late into the night, that's more hard evidence for adultery if I want to file that way.
Anyway, as we drove home, she asked me about where I'd been and what I'd been up to, and subsequently noticed and commented on the fact that I was being unresponsive and distant... but I wasn't *sullen*, so I was able to wave it away with "I just don't have much to say." And I didn't feel badly, either, that she didn't volunteer anything about what she'd been up to. In other words, in my prior attempts at 180 it's been too easy for her to infer that I'm not talking to her because I'm upset or withdrawn or otherwise unhappy with her; this time, I was perfectly happy, because I'd just had a really fun time, and I just didn't care about talking with her.
Maybe it'll be difficult to hold on to the feeling I've had tonight, because it's a bizarre feeling that I've never felt before in my life-- the calm conviction that I don't need ANYONE to be my wife or lover. I actually can get along just fine by myself.
(Current financial dependence notwithstanding.)
Which, combined with the fact that she fled to him the moment I informed her that I'd be busy this evening (I hadn't intended to tell her, but she texted me midday with a comment that prompted the reveal), just makes it all the more obvious and all the more sad that she's helplessly addicted.
It doesn't take much to get a life. Not really. And I've got stuff to do for the next two evenings, too. As long as I can maintain this feeling, and not get battered back down again, then I'll be able to keep my mind from ruminating and therefore be able to hunker down to the job hunt during the days. Which is very much what I need.
This morning, she shuttered herself in her part of the condo and said nothing at all to me until she left, at which time she said "goodbye". This was the first day that she did not ask me for a drive to the train station.
I'll be heading out in an hour to another meetup event. I hope it will prove to be as liberating as yesterday's. Today I have been able to focus myself on the work I need to do, but every time I take my attention off of the work, even for a second, I ruminate about my MR. So I have been tired for much of the day, but I can't take a nap, because lying down just sends my brain around in circles thinking the same thoughts over and over again.
As soon as I get home from work, I'll get it to you.