Hiya Abby - Good to see you again. I went back over some of your previous posts to remind myself of your situation, and I ran across this post that I made to you two years ago:
Quote:
Abbey -
How many years has this been going on now?
I do think you have to start asking yourself, what exactly you will have "won" if he ends the affair.
I mean, this is a guy who has lied repeatedly to your face, compromised your family's financial affairs, and ignored your concerns.
If his affair just peters out, do you really think you will be able to trust him? Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder?
It seems to me, the best likelihood (in YOUR sitch, at THIS time - not suggesting this to other posters) - but the best likelihood of YOUR H doing the work that needs to be done to fix this, is for you to be willing to walk away. He's had no consequences so far for his affair.
Sure, the OW may be getting tired of waiting, or he may be getting tired of her, and maybe if you were super-attractive and flirtatious he would drop the affair. But him dropping the affair without doing the hard work to become a better and more honest person - just leaves you still married to a guy who cheated and likely will cheat again.
On the other hand, if you TRULY call him on all this, back it up with proof that even he can't deny, and make it clear you are ready to walk away - he MIGHT - only might - come to his senses and start some real counseling and work on himself. And if he doesn't? Do you really want to be with a guy who wouldn't fight for you?
Yes, I know all about MLC, and you've been remarkably patient - but this has gone on for YEARS now.
OK - so now you know for sure he is with the OW, and he's not telling you where he lives because - guess what? - he's living with the OW! And he's furious with son for finding that picture of him with OW because he's still not man enough to come clean about his affair.
Abby, honey, honestly you've known this for years but kept avoiding getting a P.I. and confirming it, you let him gaslight you instead. Don't let him do that any more.
And don't be fooled by him continuing to pay the bills for now. If he's doing that, either A) his momentary guilt will wear off soon and he'll stop being so generous or B) he's doing it because it is less than what he'll have to pay you in a divorce.
If you think he's doing it out of guilt, I would suggest that NOW is the best time to divorce while he is still feeling generous and you might get a better settlement out of him.
You need to make sure he's not spending retirement funds or hiding money or anything else that would scr@w you out of your fair share.
Right now is the time to do what you need to do for YOU to be financially secure. Take care of the business side of things.
He's lied to you for years, until even HIS non-existent conscience couldn't go through with celebrating 25 years of marriage when he knew he'd been cheating on you for years. He's spent family money while you were struggling. He CANNOT BE TRUSTED. He's not even man enough to own up to his affair now, after he's left.
It's time to plan a new fabulous life for Abby, and do what is best for YOU.
