Is it really to late? Who knows....

[lost18]

It would be so much easier to detach if he were not living here. We get along well, talk and laugh together, attend D13's activities, watch movies or tv and even go out together (alone) sometimes. The other day when he found out his ARMY buddy died I was in the kitchen and he asked me to go out on the lanai so he could show me the news video and we talked about his friend. We discuss politics and people, the kids and family, we talk about his project and his medical (back) issues and everyday stuff.....

BUT, I've realized he doesn't really ask about me, he does show concern when I don't feel well or ask what I'm "teaching" when I work or if I'm running. But, Monday I had an Dr. appt, he looked at his watch because it was earlier than I normally leave and asked where I was going, I told him but he didn't ask anything about it when I got home. Tuesday he asked where I was going (Spring Break so no work) and I told him I was going to a class, he asked "photography?" When I got home he asked "so what did you learn how to focus?" sarcastically. I commented yesterday about having a rough run and he didn't say anything.

So, I guess the point of all of this is me just trying to figure out where I'm at and yes the dreaded "WHY" questions...why is he still here? What is his plan?

He had sent me a text yesterday asking me to pick something up for him on my way home, when I got the text I was almost home so didn't turn around. When I got home he asked if I would got to the store....like an idiot I agreed. I jokingly made the comment "I am sooo good to you!" He laughed and agreed. When I got home he was texting and when I walked outside by him he sat up and finished his text so I couldn't see his phone, and when it vibrated didn't pick it up. So, of course me and my undetached self was not happy, ASSuming he was texting OP, I popped my head out in the garage a few times (to see if he was texting). Again, more pointless questions. What is he getting out of a R that is only via texts and internet? Why would (OW) anybody stay involved with a man who they never see and is living with his wife? etc. etc.

Sometimes I do so well, and other times I feel like I might as well be crying following him around the house begging him to stay.

I'm still doing ok, not a wreck like I was a few weeks ago. Just frustrated with myself and this situation. I think I've also let my guard down a bit and although I need to relax and be myself I also need to be more aware of my actions and reactions. I've been doing things to GAL but feel like I'm a little lost when I'm home with no plans. I keep the house clean and have been doing some yard work but other times (in an attempt to stay off the computer) feel like I'm wasting time and need to find something to do. Time to get in touch with some friends and make some plans to do something too.

Ok, done with my rant now...will try to refocus!