Hello my big family of hopeful folks like me. The roller coaster continue, I am still in the game and have been doing or trying my best DBing.
Last time I wrote, I was ready to start my divorce papers. Well, I did and on feb 16 my H was served. He was in such distress that came to my house and wait until I got home. He was in shock and made me a lot of question of why I decided to put the divorce, get a lawyer, blah, blah , blah.
I told him that I would not dismiss my attorney and that I would continue the divorce. He wanted this, so he got this.
Time went by and I stayed very dark. No contact at all.
Last week we were both at my youngest son's Orchestra Concert and he asked to sit beside me. He was very nice, tried to talk to me. I answered him but did not initiate any conversation, I react as he was not important at all to me.
Last friday mar 6, he came to the house and I was really mad with him. Then he start saying how much he loves me and will always love me and I blew on him. I did not scream or showed I was very angry, but I told him all I was feeling.
I told him to stop saying he loves me because people that love don't ask for divorce, instead they work on their marriage problems, they don't destroy their families, they don't end their R, they don't have affairs. So, go ahead and be happy, have it what you asking for and follow your path, whatever it is.
I told him I was gonna find my own path and follow it with pain or without it because I have an obligation with myself... to be happy.
Then he started crying, couldn't say a thing, couldn't move. I was leaving the house and asked if he would stay so he decided to leave too. He walked to the door like he had no energy at all.
We end up talking for about an hour, he still saying that he loves me and he couldn't even make copies of many papers that he needs for the divorce. At some point we hugged and kissed and he said that it is the most difficult thing for him to try to take me out of his life.
On saturday he arrive at my house at 6am, we talked, hugged, kissed and made love until 12:30pm. It was amazing, we were never so honest and open about our R. Things that we got hurt, things that we loved, things that we missed, things that we forgot to do or say to each other.
He left at 3:30m and came back at 8pm, had dinner with us and said like he did not want to say, that he needed to leave and came back next morning to take the boys to the mountains. I was leaving for the gym and told him that if he wanted he could spend the night at the house and save some sleeping time.
When I came back from the gym, I found my H in my bed. We slept beside each other (nothing happen), in the morning he woke me up to say goodbye. He took the boys to the mountains.
When they were back, H came in and we started talking again. About us, our R. He said a lot of things he thinks he did wrong, that he did not make me important enough, that he did not say how much he cares for me, how much I mean to him and helped him the whole time we were together, that I am like two wives because I always did it all and he always left me hanging there, thirsty for attention and love and he always made me wait, be the last in the list.
I also told him many things I did wrong and that I should have tried hard to show my love for him.
And again we cried, we hugged, kissed and made the most amazing love yet. I don't even understand this, but we can't be in the same room. If we are we are very, very close to each other.
The most important thing of all this is that on saturday he said so many times and in so many ways that he loves me, that I asked if he loves me so much if he would be willing to talk to someone about us and he said yes. When he was leaving the house I asked if he was being serious about counseling earlier and he said yes.
Then I asked again, and he said that he understand I asked him about marriage counseling and he wants to go. Then I asked why, why now when we are starting our divorce and he said that he owns me 18 years of marriage and that he loves me.
I am so, so confused, and now I feel really afraid.
PINK!!!! I'm so pleased you are back!! And RD is going to be over the moon too - did you see his PINK, where are you thread??
It sounds as though things may be moving in a positive direction for you guys. I'm pleased for you PINK....You don't mention the A at all. Any idea on the status of that my lovely friend?
Keep posting lovely P!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I miss you lots too. Was dying to be back on the board. I am already rocking RD's world. He is wasting time and energy joining his wife's nightmare. I asked him for the new RD and told him we will all help.
H said that he is still in touch with the lady from Paris. Bad luck for him, this is a hard R, she is married, has a minor child and is very, very far away. So, they may call, email, but she is not here.
And, Michele's books mention that many affairs are just a symptom of a bad marriage. I see my H's A as this, a consequence of our distance. So, instead of thinking about the OW, I am more interested in showing him what he may be missing if he goes away.
H told me last saturday that he sees me getting stronger every day. He said that he sees I am again the woman he met one day.
I am looking better and I know he likes what he sees. I have a better behavior and H likes it. I don't know what is going to happen, but there is still something going on between us.
Toots, soon I will visit your posts to see how things are going with you. Hope there are some positive news.
Love that I can share my adventures with a lovely person like you.
I feel very blessed and happy to be back and have you all so ready to help and share.
My life has been a turn around and I am still fighting for my M, I have a good chance now. H finally accept to go to marriage counseling. I am even thinking I can see Michele herself. I live about 15min from Boulder. The only thing that is keeping me thinking is the fee, it's a lot of money spent in one day from 9am to 4pm. But maybe it is what will turn things around.
I will update on details as I can. Thanks for the warm welcome.
Hi PINK - still in touch with the lady from Paris is a big red flag for me. Are you willing to invest your time and energy into MC, whilst H continues contact with OW?
Have a look at Zues' recent post on addiction cycles on 3 Kids' thread to see where I'm coming from...
Sorry to come in with this, but I worry that MC may not be a good way forward whilst your H wants to save the M - AND - continue something with OW. IMHO, he needs to be ready to end that contact... And from your perspective, it may be time to state a firm boundary on that..
Just MHO BTW, and I'm so pleased things are taking a positive turn for you guys...x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Pink, great to hear from you and to hear you sound so upbeat. Things seem to be moving really fast with your H, I hope the MC goes really well. Take care of Pink and keeo us upto date please.
I even think I do not have much a choice here. I started the big D already. On Monday H and I had our first court appearance in front of the judge. Amazing as it is, the judge decided he would not decide or rule anything that day, including parental rights and responsibilities during course of divorce. The judge said we need time and need to talk. He asked us to talk a lot and decide what we want first. Wow!!!!
I also called Michele's office in Boulder and spoke w/Virginia - she said that it sounds like we need some help and that we are stock right now. Maybe it's not the best scenario right now, but we need to start some where.
This is also my last card. I feel that if after this things do not go to a direction of recommitting to work on our marriage at least, that I will let it go for good.
But, as Michele's books says, at least I tried it all I could and will be OK to move on.
Hi RD, I may sound very upbeat but there are moments, or even days that I feel a lot of pain. In the same time, I feel that it has no sense to let myself fall because I won't be attractive that way.
I feel that the LBS needs to find a balance in the whole craziness and try to be the best they can, at least in front of the WAS. I refuse to let my H to see me like I am grieving. I feel I need to be strong now. Then later I cry on my pillow.
Hi Pink, I didn't appreciate the context. So are you and H going to use the MC to try and decide whether to D or give things another try? Is that the plan?
Interesting that the judge said that and didn't move things forwards? Did something happen at the court appearance to suggest this may not be what you both want?
It still sounds as though your H is conflicted. He doesn't want to fully lose the M or R with you and he doesn't fully want to let go of OW either... If he is in MLC, as has been suggested, I'm conscious that he may still be doing some pendulum swings...
You're sounding pretty strong though Pink - still dancing etc. Of course you feel a lot of pain. It is one of the most painful things that people go through in their lives. None of us can manage upbeat the whole time. We all sit in the bath and cry, or lie in bed and cry. And that's no bad thing to let it out.
As you say, the main thing is to maintain strength in your interactions with H and it sounds as though you are very determined on that aspect.
I'm so glad you're posting again, and I hope the MC moves things forwards for you both. They always say on these boards - choose a MC carefully. Choose someone who is pro-marriage and solutions oriented.
Take care my friend x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you for your input. It's not quite we are going to MC to decide on D or not, but it's pretty close to that reality.
I really don't know what is going on with my H. He has been crying a lot, saying that his life is more miserable now then ever. I feel that he miss home, family, I even feel that he miss me a lot, and he says that too.
He has some papers he needs to copy to have his financial statement ready and he didn't do anything yet. He cried and told me that he can't do it, that he can't get himself to do it. I offered to copy everything and give it ready for him and he was in shock. That's when he said that he can see me stronger every day. That I am an amazing person. (little he knows how much I cry).
I have been going out too, with friends, to parties, gym, church, eat out, dance, and he knows it. So, maybe DB works, I also told him I wouldn't stop the divorce in any circumstance because I understood our marriage was dead. In some ways maybe he feels I am trying to move on.
My H knows me and he knows I fight hard but not too long. I have a strong pride and I do not put myself begging or trying too hard if people don't want to be there with me or for me. Most things in my life I will fight forever for, but people I let go, at some point I just give up on them.
I am more confused then ever. But something inside me tells me that we still have a chance. Last weekend was different, we were a lot more open and honest with each other. We talked about things that hurt us both, things that we loved a lot, things that we misunderstand, didn't say to each other, didn't validate.
I asked him what was the worse thing that I did to him that did hurt him so much and he said was when I stopped kissing and hugging him. H is a Koala Bear, he needs affection.
I am thinking to schedule an apt with Michele at the Boulder office - it is very, very expensive, but it may be my best chance to get my life in the right track. I need to think about that. It is from 9am to 4pm. All they with Michele Weimer. So, if she can make a miracle, that will be the time.
It's hard to explain and hardest to understand. H says how much he loves me, how proud he is, tells me how talented I am, smart, intelligent, pretty, sexy. But in the same time he says that we will be OK, that we will do our D and be OK. He says he does not want to give me false hope and in the same time tells me he agrees to go to MC and go to church on Easter (to my church).
I just don't know anything anymore. Now it is pure instinct. I am cold, distant at times and I am close and warm other times. I am also being crazy in his opinion probably.
Hi Pink. Your H seems very confused and to be honest so do you. If your H is telling you that you will both be ok after the D then why is he sleeping with you ?
How are the kids handling all this ? Do they k ow he's sleeping back in your bed ?
I am so glad Pink is back and a lot seems to be happening in your world. When you get time can you tell us what happened after the confrontation at the traffic lights
I wish nothing but happiness for Pink and hopefully the MC might bring that about.
