Vanilla Fudged 11

[Vanilla]

Than you Jb, Karma and Z

The more I learn about this abuse issue the more I begin to understand. The abuse that I have endured is quite serious. I had a chat line talk with the abuseline so I can get the name of a therapist for me.

The helpline adviser told me that physical violence is easier to deal with and that women eventually leave their partners. Psychological abuse can last a lifetime.

Well not in my case it ceases now.

I sat up all night reading, they say that when the student is ready to learn a teacher comes.

What have I learned?
1. Abuse is more common than we think
2. Abuse is irrespective of race, gender, social status and fins
3. Abuse is about power and control over another
4. Abuse is about entitlement enforced by aggression
5. Abuse is not about anger
6. Abuse releases tension for the abuser and abusers like abusing as it releases serotonin
7. Abusers can normally negotiate with the world and reserve abuse for their partners and 'loved ones'
8. Abuse has a cycle which only the subject of the abuse can break
9. It takes between 35 and 50 serious abuse incidents before the subject says STOP
10. Abuse escalates when the subject returns to the R
11. Abusers have little insight into abuse (as apparently did I)

I am taking the next three days off to read, think and pray. Then I go dancing, yipppeeee.

Please excuse if I am a little lax in posting, there is a lot of practical issues to tackle.

I am going to find a hairdresser and have my hair fixed today.

V

[gan]

((((V)))). You will work through it all, we know you will. And you'll do it all looking anything but Plain in your fancy new hairdo!

[Cadet]

So the question is how do we stop being abused and codependent, and start looking out for #1.

This is very hard stuff, IMHO.

And my guess is most LBS's are guilty as charged in this department.

I guess recognizing it is the first step.

Good luck with working on YOU as like myself
you probably have a lifetime of stuff to undo!

[Vanilla]

Cadet

I intend to put in the work.

Gan, I had my first counselling session today. They will allow me 6 sessions free of charge and then I will have to find my own IC. I am hoping for a recommendation my current IC specialises in spouses of gamblers and may know of an abuse related specialist.

I saw a codependency specialist late last year and was analysed as non codependent, mainly I think because I have not enabled the gambling.

I think this H is the first time there has been abuse in my sitch, and I will explore that. Neither of my parents were abusive and other than the odd bullying at school (V was a science nerd) I can not recollect any issues. I had a couple of Besties then plus I loved university and my post grad. My first M was very happy and loving and I still miss H1 (who died age 31). H2 was a gentleman and very quiet and peaceable. Chatterbox with a vino in him and loved entertaining.

BD1 in March 2014 was my reaction to the early abuse and I think this started when H left his job in Jan 2014. Screaming Banshee was my reaction, truly horrible of me, but now I am glad I have SB strength on my side as my ally. CBT training helped me use her strength.

I feel like I am the frog dropped into warm water who is gradually boiled.

I am blown away by the kindness and support here on this board.

V

[Dawn70]

(((Vanilla)))

You are so strong and courageous and I am so proud of you for taking these steps and setting these boundaries. You are one amazing lady and I think you deserve to get out there and just be you and be appreciated for it. My continued prayers and support are coming your way each and every day.

I am doing well and started a new thread to focus on the positive in my life (title: "I'm moving on!") I'm literally moving on to my new home this weekend, so woo hoo for that!

Thank you, Vanilla, for the shout out on your post and thank YOU for the loving support you always send my way, along with very wise words of advice. You are a peach, lady...a real peach (and in case you were wondering, that is a really good thing here in the South!).

Much love and well wishes on this new journey, ma'am. I am behind you all the way.

[Zelda09]

Hello V, million dollar question - how are you feeling today?

Holding up ok with all of this? It's a lot, I'm sure.

Just wishing you well. Great analogy on the boiling frog bit, I am so glad you will get to experience that freedom and lightness more often, as you did when H went away for the weekend.

[Vanilla]

Thank you Dawn, your sitch brightens my day and I love reading about it. A little sunshine. That is tremendous support for me.

Z

Thank you for asking, I have been busy all day, which helps of course. Very emotionally tired so no Orange Wednesday today either. Still in my Brighton flat and at David Lloyd, doing my first session of this week in the gym. Exercise program starts again after a couple of days break.

Just beginning to realise how much effort has gone into repair in my sitch. It is what it is though.

The IC told me that it is very unusual that I am so grounded and determined. I am not annoyed or anxious at all.

One of my staff said H had a meeting in the upper meeting room and came down very ashen faced. So I guess that was the official warning meeting.

No contact with H except to tell me this morning he had ordered the flowers for mothers day. Go figure.

No response from V. My mother has been sent a pressie.....

So if she gets flowers as well its OK. Card had already gone to my glam sis to deliver on MD.

Tonight I am going to relax with a film (Liam?) and a glass of wine, (I am not a drinker but I do like Rioja Gran Reserva and I have a bottle laid down (Lidl again Edz) so I will celebrate with a glass and if I can not manage the bottle before I go to Ceroc weekender then so be it, I will cook a casserole).

I am also going to have Cheeeeeeese!

And some freshly baked bread, sun dried tomatoes and olives. Salivating already.

It is the start of a series of one offs, my upstairs neighbour (elderly) has his even older sister staying so may take a sample to them to try. Although they are port drinkers.

Cheers!

V

[Sotto]

V, I'm really pleased you're getting the support you need. And you're sounding upbeat...

H sounds like he may be trying to make amends, ordering flowers for Mum. He may have been somewhat shaken by what happened. I'm no expert in this area - and I think caution is a good way to proceed here.

Enjoy your evening :-)

[Karma12]

Hey V.....you sound strong!

Abuse does not happen overnight. Yes there are sometimes little red flags that are missed earlier on but abuse is usually subtle at first and builds up over time. If we are not careful the abuser slowly chips away at our sense of self. They tend to try and isolate you from those that would recognise the abuse and say something. Most abusers are very charming at the beginning. They have all this crap stuffed inside of them that they don't want to deal with so their release target becomes us.

I was told by a therapist that my first H. would eventually become physically abusive if he did not get help. His anger was never his fault. He always blamed everything and everyone else. What made me change and leave was the fact that my Father was an abusive man with anger issues and I realized I had become conditioned to accept unacceptable behavior. I also forgave to easily. Once I had kids and his anger ( my ex ) was directed at them my Mamma bear instinct would not allow it. Plus his anger and behavior had slowly but surely killed any romantic love feelings I had.

My leaving was good for all of us. My kids grew up happy and healthy. My ex eventually got the help he needed. It gets better V. I know you know that.

Enjoy the new hair do!

[MCS]

V,

Thinking of you as you transition into this next phase. I would anticipate that while this probably is a scary time to progress to this point, you've been a GAL master and I think you will settle in just fine.

I probably don't need to say anything, but anticipate some substantial changes in H mood and interactions due to you taking this step. As you said, it will probably be a cycle, he needs to get some help.

V, you are such a strong, confident and caring person. I hope you see how much you have changed going through this sitch and you've truly used the lemons life has thrown at you to create lemonade. You are inspirational. Stay the course of making V the best person she can be.

Take some time just for V the next couple days as you've taken off. Work can wait.