V, have you thought about how you will handle if H pledges to change and begs you to come back? Are you prepared for this? I am sure you are in good hands with your counselors and other support groups and you certainly sound like you're in a good place right now. Been thinking of you.
What makes you think that might happen?
And my suggestion would to believe nothing that he says and half of what he does.
I would add that it will take years and years of H to dismantle his abusive patterns which can be only achieved through intensive IC and group therapy. It has been done with former abusers who have seen the light and put forth the effort to change.
V, have you thought about how you will handle if H pledges to change and begs you to come back?
it is an interesting question Z. I am sure he will, I am told that abusers will do this as part of an abuse cycle. Create a 'honeymoon' period in order to manipulate to regain control. This probably will happen at some stage, as H did with his GA, went for 18 months then decided it was not for him. It is appeasement, but every time the abuse cycle deepens, unless the abuser gets real help and stays in a 12 step program. As I am free from codependency then H is likely to go for a 'softer' target than V. I expect to see an OW very soon, in a similar way to Gg H. It is a temporary fix for H. There is also a special program for abusers in Surrey and H may be a candidate for that.
Are you prepared for this?
I know this will happen and I have to trust that I am strong enough. It helps that the VSC said "enforcing your boundaries is very good, and can be effective, but this has gone beyond this. Your H is escalating and it is dangerous, he can either go one of two ways depression or rage. This is risky and we prefer presentation for you.'
I am sure you are in good hands with your counselors and other support groups and you certainly sound like you're in a good place right now.
I am safe. The locks on the door has been changed and today I had a chain put on it. This is my safe haven. I will be safe and remain abuse free.
Been thinking of you.
thank you Z, I return those loving thoughts.
What makes you think that might happen?
This is more for Z I think. I would thank Z for thinking this might be a possibility, I would prefer freedom and that H just lets go. Better for me but for H not so much.
And my suggestion would to believe nothing that he says and half of what he does.
At this stage I am reducing that to 10% and that is generous!
These are important questions from Z Cadet and I am considering them very carefully.
H had a visit from the Police Community Liason officer today after a call to him. They want to talk to him and they have the MP3s and texts. He is booked to see them tomorrow morning. I expect nothing to come of it, but he may get a caution. This could make him rage so I will stay away as much as possible. I have another appointment with victim support tomorrow.
This weekend I have a Ceroc weekend. I suspect the longer I leave this then the better it will be for me to detach.
I still love H and want an M and this is too big a price to pay.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am unsure if this is of any help, but Hidden Hurt is a charity for UK Domestic Abuse Victims which is full of information and links. It is part funded by Victim Support and has a web site.
I was given the pamphlets yesterday, in fact I walked away with a library of material and some borrowed books (which I will need to return).
I am told the important thing is to remain outside of the honeymoon phase and maintain boundaries. Apparently failure to manipulate causes the abuser to rethink their strategy.
H will be offered anger management as a matter of course, if he turns this down then that will be a contra indicator if he continues the cycle.
I feel a little numb and overwhelmed by all this, it has moved so fast. It might also make H very angry and enraged too. I can use my CBT of watch and deflect (with my Perspex shield). The one very good thing I learned was the value of evidence and to keep an abuse diary. I have a journal but it has lots of random stuff in it, recipes, invoicing, car breakdowns etc.
It will unfold in time, stuff always does.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
My first husband was abusive. He had an immature response and would lash out verbally, swearing and yelling. He punched and broke the car windshield because another driver peeved him off, he'd throw the remote across the room. The final straw was he throw the kitchen table because he couldn't find his wallet. I worried about my kids getting injured ( even though he would not have intended to) plus I didn't want the pattern of this to be carried on into the next generation.
It takes hitting bottom for someone to be motivated to change. It too my ex lossing me to eventually get therapy for his anger issues. It didn't happen right away. He lost another girlfriend after me when he started showing his immature angry behaviours
. Some never change. All I knew was I didn't want to live my life walking on egg shells. My kids are better off now and they have agood relationship with their Dad
Apologies Karma and thank you for your help and sharing with me, I did miss your post. So I am reposting here. I think it is very important that we are vocal about abuse, for women, men and single sexed partners can all be subject to it. Abusers on this forum, generally want change for the better and by staying silent, I think I would be colluding with my abuser. If my thread helps any other lurker look to their sitch and see abuse for what it is then my purpose is served.
Sexual infidelity by waywards can also be control and abuse too.
My mentor did a course called the Freedom Course. It is available on line and costs �10. She rang tonight as I did not go to my Gamanon, I feel emotionally exhausted and really rather not lead a group as my objectivity may be skewed.
The program is about abuse and identifying abuse. I have signed up and am reading the book. Mentor feels I should examine certain sections very early in this process. I am going to read the book (downloaded). There are exercises to cover and we are going to meet up before 12 steps to review my answers.
I will let you know how I cope with the program. Actually what has surprised me is the extent to which Domestic Abuse exists and also in a pleasant way how much I have been supported. The key I am now aware is that I had evidence of the abuse as otherwise it is very difficult.
I have been told in no uncertain terms that this is no anger problem but a control and belief problem. That H is unlikely to be drunk and that is an excuse, in fact he is even unlikely to be feeling angry and is just mildly aggressive. Anger management probably will not work with H. 12 steps is the best resource but even then recovery rates are very poor.
I wish that I had this information a long time ago. My other relationships had none of this game play in them
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/10/1511:00 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
M 53 W 44 D25 D20 S22 PA 10/95 BD abt 2k EA BD 9/2004 PA D'd 1/05/05 DB'd 9/2004-08 PA ends 02/2005 XW rehab 03/2005 piecing until OM3 June?/2005 Remarried 12/28/07 BD 12/18/14 Sep living together
This does take courage V. I always go back to the serenity prayer....God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
My Mum belonged to AA for many years and would often go and 12 Step newbies. I think the 12 steps are great for everyone.
Stay strong V....hugs K
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
