Hello my big family of hopeful folks like me. The roller coaster continue, I am still in the game and have been doing or trying my best DBing.
Last time I wrote, I was ready to start my divorce papers. Well, I did and on feb 16 my H was served. He was in such distress that came to my house and wait until I got home. He was in shock and made me a lot of question of why I decided to put the divorce, get a lawyer, blah, blah , blah.
I told him that I would not dismiss my attorney and that I would continue the divorce. He wanted this, so he got this.
Time went by and I stayed very dark. No contact at all.
Last week we were both at my youngest son's Orchestra Concert and he asked to sit beside me. He was very nice, tried to talk to me. I answered him but did not initiate any conversation, I react as he was not important at all to me.
Last friday mar 6, he came to the house and I was really mad with him. Then he start saying how much he loves me and will always love me and I blew on him. I did not scream or showed I was very angry, but I told him all I was feeling.
I told him to stop saying he loves me because people that love don't ask for divorce, instead they work on their marriage problems, they don't destroy their families, they don't end their R, they don't have affairs. So, go ahead and be happy, have it what you asking for and follow your path, whatever it is.
I told him I was gonna find my own path and follow it with pain or without it because I have an obligation with myself... to be happy.
Then he started crying, couldn't say a thing, couldn't move. I was leaving the house and asked if he would stay so he decided to leave too. He walked to the door like he had no energy at all.
We end up talking for about an hour, he still saying that he loves me and he couldn't even make copies of many papers that he needs for the divorce. At some point we hugged and kissed and he said that it is the most difficult thing for him to try to take me out of his life.
On saturday he arrive at my house at 6am, we talked, hugged, kissed and made love until 12:30pm. It was amazing, we were never so honest and open about our R. Things that we got hurt, things that we loved, things that we missed, things that we forgot to do or say to each other.
He left at 3:30m and came back at 8pm, had dinner with us and said like he did not want to say, that he needed to leave and came back next morning to take the boys to the mountains. I was leaving for the gym and told him that if he wanted he could spend the night at the house and save some sleeping time.
When I came back from the gym, I found my H in my bed. We slept beside each other (nothing happen), in the morning he woke me up to say goodbye. He took the boys to the mountains.
When they were back, H came in and we started talking again. About us, our R. He said a lot of things he thinks he did wrong, that he did not make me important enough, that he did not say how much he cares for me, how much I mean to him and helped him the whole time we were together, that I am like two wives because I always did it all and he always left me hanging there, thirsty for attention and love and he always made me wait, be the last in the list.
I also told him many things I did wrong and that I should have tried hard to show my love for him.
And again we cried, we hugged, kissed and made the most amazing love yet. I don't even understand this, but we can't be in the same room. If we are we are very, very close to each other.
The most important thing of all this is that on saturday he said so many times and in so many ways that he loves me, that I asked if he loves me so much if he would be willing to talk to someone about us and he said yes. When he was leaving the house I asked if he was being serious about counseling earlier and he said yes.
Then I asked again, and he said that he understand I asked him about marriage counseling and he wants to go. Then I asked why, why now when we are starting our divorce and he said that he owns me 18 years of marriage and that he loves me.
I am so, so confused, and now I feel really afraid.
