Feeling lost

[MrBond]

Sorry to hear that he put you through all that. Can you go somewhere away from him? The reason why I mentioned his family is because he's treating you so badly that they may get him to back off.

[jessm15]

Thankyou for the advice ahoy and tarheel.

Thought I would update what's been happening the past few days.

Still living together in limbo. A couple of nights ago after dinner, I was told that he wants to sell the house ASAP and that we need to sort out our finances as he's "never going to change his mind and doesn't love me nor want to be with me"

I have been working hard to not argue with him and to get GAL.
Saw my doctor this morning and got a script for some anti depressants. I feel so ashamed that I have let him affect my mental health so much

He mentioned that he is going to move in with a guy from his work who has offered him a room. The guy is 19 and single and loves to party. Seems like that's all the ex is interested in doing instead of living with his family.

I don't understand how he can just walk away after 10 years and two young kids. My life feels like it's been ripped a part. I'm just feeling very sorry for myself atm. Having a bad day. Sorry for just rambling, I needed to get these thoughts out.

[Maybell]

Vent away, you need it.

You should not feel ashamed that having your life shredded by the person who promised to protect it would have mental and emotional repercussions. It would be more appropriate to be ashamed if it didn't. Use the medicine. It's not forever.

Have you seen a lawyer? It gives great peace of mind.

[jessm15]

Ex has also informed me that he's purchased tickets to a concert for us in March. Not sure why he has done this if he intends to move out.
I'm not gojng to be "friends" with him when he has just torn our family in half.

[jessm15]

Hi Maybell. Thank you. I just feel like I should be able to get through this on my own but I'm not coping at all. Everything is a struggle for me at the moment. Even doing things for and with the kids, so I knew that I needed some meds to help me. I just dont feel myself at all.

I haven't but I really need to. Our house is in his name as I had bad credit rating at the time we purchased it. So his plan is to sell and split the profits but he could change his mind about that at any time. So lawyer is on my to-do list asap.

[Maybell]

The lawyer will give you a lot of peace of mind.

I spent six months completely stuck after BD. You won't be stuck that long because you're here. Just do the best you can and treat yourself lovingly. If you keep posting here people will help you keep moving forward at a pace you can manage. Hang in there.

[jessm15]

It's been a while so I thought I would update and I'm desperately in need of a vent and some advice.

So early feb we went on our "family" holiday. We both agreed to just focus on making sure the kids had a great time. And they did! We all had so much fun. I wasn't planning on a holiday fixing everything but I was hoping it would make him see how much fun we have together as a family, and not want to leave. Well, we got home and 4 hours later he took the suitcase of clothes from the holiday with him and said he was going to his parents and that he "told me this was going to happen"

Over the next couple of days I try so hard to go no contact and then he calls me to ask if I'm home because he wants to see the kids. He comes over and stays the night, in our bed.

So over the next two weeks we do this back and forth of him staying here every couple of nights and everything seeming fairly "normal"

I didn't mention anything about the relationship and we haven't had a fight in about a month.

So today I had a horrible morning and I ended up stupidly messaging him. It said "I have enjoyed the space and finding myself again. But I miss my family. What do you think?"
He replied; I'm so sorry. I am enjoying the space, I miss my family but I can't do it.

I wrote; what's "it"?

He said; us, I can't do us.

Then stupidly I said; so you don't love me?

To which he replied; not at the moment.

End of convo.

I feel like such a fool. I wish I didn't even send that stupid message. And what on earth does "not at the moment" mean. Why not just say no!

I'm so confused. I have read DR. I have started anti depressants. I'm going out with my friends and I haven't cried in about 2.5 weeks so I thought I was doing okay but I'm so angry at myself for texting him those things

I need advice. What do I do. Do I give up? He's said he doesn't love me numerous times. I know I can't make him love me or want to be with me I just don't know if I need to cut contact or if I should keep up this friendly texting that we have going on. One of his reasons for initially wanting to seperate was because he feels like we don't spend time together or talk so would cutting contact push him away and make him think oh she doesn't care anymore she's not even making an effort. I don't know. I'm just rambling now. Very confused someone please talk some sense into me!

[jessm15]

Well I was just checking my emails and noticed I had one from iTunes for a purchase of $65 for an app called "cougar life" I look it up and it's a dating app. I download it and scroll through a few people and ding ding sing up pops The exs photo. I call and ask him about it and he says that his identity and details must have been stolen. Please.
On a whim I enter his username and the standard password he's user our whole R/s and what do you know, it let me login. About 30 "flirts" he's sent to women in their late 40's. A few messages along the lines of "hey sexy... Hey gorgeous... You have amazing legs"
I felt instantly sick to the stomach. I'm trying to save our family and he's spending hard earned money to "flirt" with people the same age as his parents.
My self esteem is just shot right now.
I just want an end to all this.
Why aren't I enough? Why would he rather be with a stranger then me and his kids!?
Last night was horrible for me and I even dropped my kids off with my parents as I couldn't control my tears and didn't want the kids to see me so upset.
I feel like we have past the point of no return. Can anyone see any hope that there's a way back from this?

[jessm15]

Journaling.

No R talk, crying, begging etc for 8 days now. I know this isn't a long time but I'm proud of my efforts so far.
My main problem is I need to learn when to STFU so I have really been working on it.
No physical contact for 2 days which has been great because, out of sight out of mind.
Now I mentally feel back at square one.
Sent ex a text saying son got his fingers stuck in the door jam and my dad had to take the door off to free him. I missed a couple or calls while playing outside with the kids and next minute I see a police car pull up in our drive way (ex is a cop) and out he hops and says that he was to see how S was seeing as I didn't answer.
He started to have a conversation with me about his morning at work and said that he would come and stay tomorrow to see the kids.
What do I do about this?
Should I say that he needs to just pick up the kids and take them back to his parents or should I continue to let him see them in our home and stay here?

[jessm15]

I've also been blocked from his Facebook. Which I guess is a good thing because I did have a horrible habit of snooping.