She just wants "approval" to assuage her guilty feelings
What on earth makes you think she has guilty feelings?
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Quote:
OM and I] were talking about going camping for my birthday [a month from today]. I wanted to check that you were okay with that."
"That's a strange thing to say. Why would it matter if I were?"
"Because I am a conscientious person, and I think about other people's feelings, so I actually ask them."
"Hm. Well, what would happen if I said that I wasn't okay with it?"
"Then you'd better give me a good reason why I shouldn't."
Somehow-- I don't quite remember how-- this segued into a conversation about the incident with the car. She told me how I had aggressively demanded the car and then, by rudely taking off without saying anything, I had "left me pissed off and [OM] totally devastated."
I explained [knowing how little good it would do] that I had actually been appreciative of her volunteering to bring the car around, and had been planning to apologize to her for the inconvenience when she arrived, but that when OM showed up with her I just wanted to get the hell out of there.
"But you knew I was with him. You should have expected that."
"When you agreed to come, I supposed you must be alone, because I supposed you would have thought about how it would affect me to bring him here. That's why it's difficult for me to hear you say 'I think about others' feelings' when you didn't think about mine at all, here."
[fast forward a little bit] "I don't believe what you're telling me. You waited two days to tell me this. You could've made all that up to justify yourself."
[after some silence] "Well.. I waited because the one thing that explains my behavior is the one thing that you won't want to hear and wouldn't listen to if I said it."
"Which is..?"
"If a woman is having an affair, why would that woman's husband want anything to do with the other man?"
I'm NOT having an affair with [OM]. As far as I'm concerned you and I are no longer married. You and I are just roommates. I agreed to the two months so that you could get your stuff done, but I'm really just waiting for the papers to be filed."
I didn't entirely drop the conversation there, although obviously it was pretty much done. I did manage to say something that she did hear: that I have been trying not to be demanding or controlling, and I was sorry to have failed.
The fact that you even engaged in this type of conversation with her........and now trying to think of a suitable answer to give why you aren't okay with her going camping with OM, tells me you do not 'get it' about WW's or what you should do.
Look, don't lay around the house trying to come up with some clever answer to give your cheating W. Decide to lay a boundary about this behavior now, or you might as well pack it up.
She doesn't want you riding in on a white horse to fight off the evil OM. She does not want to be saved from him. She invites him. She is choosing him over you, and continues to rub it in your face.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
