Hey Mighty, just checking in... How are you doing?
(From last thread ^^)
Hi uR! Thanks for checking in. I have been in a really weird place.
I don't know if it's progress or regression. I really don't!
What I find is that, well... for me... it's like I have had a sort of sympathy pains or something for the mlc. I feel like my emotions have taken me on a pseudo mlc or something. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I feel like I go through my own stages, but... just not so extreme or my actions are that of mlc. It's more like the emotional stages. Maybe not, maybe I'm just totally losing my mind. Maybe I'm just over-tired (Damn you, time change! It's inhumane at this point... when you are working on a couple hour's sleep as it is!)
But, I am just in the stupidest place (I don't have a better adjective). And I feel like a fog has lifted from me. But I don't know how I feel about it.
I haven't felt anger in a bit. I have cried a lot lately. That's not so normal. I have gone months previously... thought I was cried out. But now... I just cry. Several times a day. I don't know what that is about. Yet, I feel numb a lot of the time. Confused. I feel very distant from xh. I just don't know him at all anymore. I have never felt the distance like I do now.
This is the longest I have gone w/o him contacting me. I don't think that is exactly the reason I feel the distance, but some of it. But more so, is that I just don't know who he is. He is sooooo different. Even spending that time with him, he is just different. And now.... I don't know now. It weird that it "ended" the same way... just through his actions. He hasn't said anything about his choice. It tiring. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't have energy to be angry or upset about it. I think about how he had to continue to have discussions w hww for "closure" and that... and with me... nothing. I don't understand how you can spend your life with someone for 20 years- more than half of your life, and just walk away without saying anything. Twice. I know I can't rationalize it. I know it's not something I even want in my life. It's just tiring. Makes me feel so worthless.
I imagine people on the outside must think that people get divorced all the time and that I should be over it and moved on by now. Maybe I should! But... I haven't quite yet. I know it will "get better." But, I'm not totally convinced. Not that I'm being pessimistic... but I just don't exactly see it right now. I'm sure it will. But... it just seems like I was... but I still had a long way to go. And thinking now about how much it took to get to that point is a lot. It seems so far away... and yet, even from there, still so far.
The weather has gotten a little better- in the 40's! Yes, I did say that. And yes, 40's around here give you a little boost! Believe it.
The kids and I have had some fun the last couple of days. We have spent more time together, the 3 of us. I notice that we all seem to appreciate it. We seem connected and to have an unspoken understanding. Almost like, accepting that this our family now.
(Although d14 is ticked at me tonight bc she got free tickets for her and a friend to a concert and I won't let her go bc they are at a night club downtown. It's a teenage band, but she said the "adult" taking them is 19. Ummmm... no.)
It's been one month today since I texted xh that I am not going to engage in discussions with him. That he made a choice and I was not going to be part of that life anymore. It has been 3 weeks since he stopped trying to engage. I know it does not seem long, but it's whatever.
It has also been since that time that he stopped staying at bil. I knew the day I didn't include him in d14's birthday he would be upset and go stay there. He never returned. That's ok. And really, if that's how they want their r... whatever. I mean, they are practically teenagers. I could totally see a ticked off teen acting like that.
This certainly is a long, rambling post. Nothing like the musings of Mighty. Well.... nothing as lame.
So, I just don't know how i feel anymore. I don't know if this is the beginning of acceptance or what. Or, if I have totally lost it, or I am heading in the wrong direction. But I figure, for now, I'm just going to go with it. It is a change. I need a change. Fingers crossed it is a good one. Who knows now, bc it certainly doesn't feel better- or worse. Just is.
This distance... that's the weirdest part. Like a disconnection. I know there is one, but not with this person. Does it scare me to think of totally losing a connection? Hmmmm... I think it does. But I think his tunnel is so deep, he is reaching the Earth's core. If he ever comes up, he may be covered in magma.
