Sandi, I validated and offered a place to stay. I listened and kept my emotions under control. I said yes to counseling and keeping the best interests of the kids in mind. The I did the best thing I could have done. I repeated back to her what I had heard from her. And at this point is, she is done with OM, she is thinking about us as a family but wants to take things very cautiously because with the kids, would like to discuss counseling not only for us but in a big way for her, she realizes that she has to be happy for us to even have a chance. These are positive steps.
She has certainly made a step in the right direction, and it sounds as if you handled it well. I am so glad you did not try to pressure her to just come home, let you take care of her, etc. I feel you did the right thing to offer her the couch.........since she expressed remorse, dumped OM and is at least talking about making the right choices in other things. I think it is positive that she has taken notice of the kids and that she has done a lot of damage to their hearts.
The withdrawal from the A still has to happen, and although she may not have any intentions of seeing OM again, she will still have to experience withdrawal. I won't say anymore about that right now, you already know. Since you were able to control yourself and not try to seize the moment to get her back........I am feeling better about you. Her, too. It's hard not to have hope when there is a flicker of light, right? However keep your feet planted.
So here is really the main thing I want to say now. She needs to feel she has choices. She realizes her choices are very limited at the moment, however, she still does not want to be forced by circumstances or people to do something she isn't ready to do. Neither do you want her to come back due to having no other choice. She sounds as if she is trying to approach this honestly by not pretending to suddenly have old feelings again, like some women do. Again, you held it together and simply offered her a place to sleep instead of being out on the streets.
Let her come to you, not out of sheer desperation, but b/c it is a choice she freely made without any pressure from you. She's in bad shape but still wants to feel she has some control over her own life. Frankly, I think it would be a good plan for her to stay with her parents. I also believe she needs IC before you both attend MC. I have seen Starsky recommend finding a good family therapist, and in your case with the kids......may be a good consideration.
I hope her parents will influence her to go to the doctor.
A lot of work ahead, but here's praying that she will turn to the right support to get her life back on track.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
