Great to hear from you pbetra! I haven't posted in my thread for a long time. The reason is mostly that I just don't have much time. The new job is keeping me busy (I work 8:00 AM to 6:00 PM 5 days a week and the weeks I have D15 it adds another hour because her mom moved so far away) and there is so much to learn in my "spare" time as this is a totally new field for me that I just don't have the time. I was planning on posting an update this week though.
I can say this.....things are better then they have been in a long time. The D is not yet final but not because of me. It appears that W has slowed down in pushing her L to get the paperwork done and I'm too busy to worry about it. At this point my W really doesn't affect me no matter how she acts when we are around each other. I still don't like how she is treating D15 but that is between the 2 of them. D15 complains about how her mom acts towards her and I listen and validate but stay out of it. The past couple weeks W has called to complain about D15 leaving her house a "mess" when I pick her up after school. What she calls a "mess" is one or two dishes in the sink and an unmade bed. This from the person who, the year before she left stopped doing any housework except laundry on weekends. She would leave messes every day that the rest of us were stuck cleaning up just so we wouldn't have to live in her mess. She called and really went off about how unfair it was for D15 to leave the house a mess, she hated coming home to it, etc. the thing is I was there and saw what she was talking about and it really was an over-reaction. If you ask me, for a 15 year old my D is very good about such things. I just listened and validated with "I'll let her know how you feel" and "I'm sorry you're so upset" that kind of thing.
I haven't had any conversation with W that goes past "small talk" or about the girls in ages. I stay up beat and smile. She has asked about my new job which is different as in the past she only talked about her life and had no interest in mine at all. So all in all we're no more than parents of the same kids really.
I have to get back to work now but will post more about ME and MY life post M soon. Good to hear from you all!
I am liking this update quite bit because you talked about your new job and being 'too busy' to post much. That is progress, bud. And you even talked about W less too!
Hi Matt! Glad to hear things are going well! Love to see that. I am just getting caught up on your sitch, and I will admit, the post from 25years.... that probably could have been directed at me! Geesh! I get it... tough stuff. And, like you... s hit the fan... everything was going wrong. Everything... when it rains, it pours- and the roof leaks. (Seriously, my new roof is leaking like crazy. UGH!)
Anyway... the way I see it is the only way we can move at this point is forward. And it seems, my friend, that you are doing that. I love it. Stay focused, stay busy. You are a great guy and deserve to find your happiness.
And honestly, you are a good man. There is no way I'd listen to the mess complaints. I'd for sure say- your deal, bye! (But I'm not a role model for this stuff... )
Hi Wonka, Mighty and Leigh! Thanks for stopping by! I do feel better, a bit overwhelmed with the new job and all but better. W has been posting almost every day on FB (I get notices in my email when she does) and I haven't been looking. The other day I mistakenly opened up to her post while going through my emails. Seems she is posting "romantic thoughts" , all about how you should think of the other persons happiness before your own, loving someone faults and all, that kind of thing. I just have to laugh. If she acted the way these postings say just a small amount of the time in our M, we would have had no problems. Really, I tried to always put her needs ahead of mine, give more than I got, etc. and all it got me was B-day. Maybe she's seeing someone and is getting her "romance" on, who knows? I just wish she could hear a play back of some of her spews so she could see how she behaved at least for the last few years!
A plus with my new job is I need to get involved in the local community to get referrals. No way to avoid some quality GAL! I'm going to need to join some networking groups and start being social again. The old me loved being around people and I need to get back to that.... it's where I'm at my best.
I still badly miss my D's, especially D15 when she's at her mom's. I just really enjoy having her around. There are so few times 15 year olds really open up to parents and being there 1/2 the time I'm sure to miss some of those times. D15 has been less and less moody the past months and I'm sure to give her her space when she needs it. There are times when she'll just look at me and say "I need some alone "teenager" time dad" and I just get busy doing something away from her. Now that she realizes I understand and will give her that space, those times have been less and less.
Believe me, I still have "bad" times where I get angry and feel the hurt but those times are getting less and shorter. Still got a ways to go many hurdles ahead (the D being final will be a big one) but I'm moving! Thanks for all your help everyone. You've all been a God send!
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Really bad day everyone, Got a call from W today. Seems that yesterday, by accident, she found out that D15 is cutting. She had an accident and had to take her pants off in front of her mother and she had cuts on her leg. D15 admitted that she had been doing it and was trying to stop and hadn't done it for last 2 weeks. W went to her school and she called a IC and is going to make an appointment. She called to let me know.
When I told her that I had suspected and talked to her about it W got angry saying I should have spoke to her. I told her that I had talked to D15 and looked at her arms and she said she hadn't so there was no reason to talk to her. I said to W that D15 is very unhappy and has been through much in the last year (caused by W's crap). Of course, in W's eye's, it's not about her leaving or the D, none of THAT has anything to do with what's causing D15 so much hurt. I wanted so badly to shout at her that having a mother who acts like she does, who really spends almost no time with her, who leaves her alone until late every night and yells at her more than talks, who ripped her away from everything she has ever known, her friends, the only home she has ever known might just have something to do with it. But I didn't. I just kept all that to myself.
When I told W that D15 and I talk, that I know that D15 is unhappy from those talks, W got defensive saying that she and her talk too. It's like W is a 15 year old saying "I'm as close to her as you are". I know for a fact that D15 isn't comfortable talking to her and that when we do talk about what's bothering her D15's biggest problem is how she feels about her mothers actions. How she is so afraid that she will be "crazy like mom" when she gets older and W wants to get in a pissing match about who D15 is more comfortable talking too? I just let it go and said I'm sure you do and just stopped myself from saying anything more. W will never see (and even if she did, never admit) that her behavior, her destroying our family, her total selfishness has more to do with D15's pain than anything else. Typical MLCer who refuses to see how much destruction they have caused and are still causing. W seems more concerned about me paying for 1/2 the cost of the IC than anything.
So, I asked W what the guidance C at school said, if he had any "insights" and she said no. Then later in the conversation she says "The GC said there are 3 reasons that kids cut...". I said "That's the kind of thing that I was asking if they had said". Her response was "Look, I can't remember, it was at 2:00 yesterday and I had a headache...." and then said she couldn't remember the 3 things. So, expecting her to remember what the GC said to her 24 hours before about why her D is cutting herself and scaring herself is just asking too much? Oh, well, she had a headache. Of course she can't recall something as important as why her D is hurting herself. W also said that the IC will want to talk to all 3 of us together at least once. She said it like she dreaded that more than anything. Then she ends the call saying we owe the dentist money and since I just started working did she want me to have her pay and I can pay her back? I swear, whenever something comes up that is emotional, she brings up money issues. It's been a place where she knows it bothers me that I'm not making the most money like I had for our entire M. It was an area that she knows I would get upset about in the past. What she doesn't know now is I no longer let that bother me. In fact I can tell she really doesn't get that I will no longer allow her to get under my skin.
I'm done with W. This is a wake up call for me to stop expecting anything from W, even when it comes to her D's. She doesn't care who she hurts. Refuses to see how her actions have hurt her D's and so many others around her and wouldn't care even if she did. She had the gaul to say that D15 has always "kept her hurt inside. Even as a baby she would go to her room and cry and get angry when no one knew she was upset". That has nothing to do with this. I actually am starting to hate who my W has decided to become. I wish there was a way that I could just take her out of my D's and my lives. I really think that we all would be better off if she had just disappeared from our lives. At least she wouldn't keep hurting her D's, keep showing them over and over how little she cares.
D15 is at her friends tonight for a Pi day party. I pick her up tomorrow and I will talk with her then. I know that I will need to be careful and make sure she knows I'm not judging her or that I'm angry with her. I need her to understand that all I want is what's best for her. That her happiness and future are more important to me than anything else. I really think it was a blow to her when W just didn't care that what she was doing hurt her and her sister. That her mother really cares more about her job, her friends, her father, herself than what's best for everyone. She only has one friend whose parents are D. To her it just isn't normal. Her own mother told her all of her life how you never get D'd. That once you got M, you do everything to make it work. Right up until she announced that she was leaving and filed for D that is. It is confusing for D15. She had always thought she could count on having her parents there for her. Now she sees that she is a hostage to her mothers whims. She started talking about wanting to go as far away as she can for college lately. When I asked why she said to get away from "you and mom". I laughed and said that I don't blame her and I remember feeling the same way when I was her age. I told her that once she left, I really didn't have any reason to stick around here anymore myself and I might just go somewhere too. She looked at me and as seriously as can be said "You can come with me when I go dad. It's mom I really want to get away from, not you". So, this is how much it has cost my D15 for her mother to "find her joy". The price being paid by everyone that loved her is getting higher all the time and W just doesn't care. She isn't paying that cost. It's being paid by her D's, me, her mother who cries every time she talks to her on the phone. By my parents and family who loved her and can't understand why she would do what she has. By her Aunt and Uncle who don't understand why she is acting so strangely and cry every time I she them saying they feel so badly and love me. If she finds the "joy" she is seeking, I would think it would leave a bitter taste in her mouth knowing how high a price was paid by all those who loved her the most.
From now on it has to be only about what's best for D15. When she is with me I'm going to make sure she knows she is loved and can talk to me about anything. That she is safe and I will never abandon her or stop caring about her. MLC is really hard on us LBS's but it's the kids that are hurt the most. It's up to me to help my D get through this. I will not fail her.
Sorry for what you are dealing with Matt. I have some experience with the cutting thing. S19 started cutting his junior year. He had alot going on that whole year. I tried everything to get him to talk, but it did not work. IC sessions did the most good. Was lucky to find someone that he had alot in common with. I'm here if you need to talk.
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
