I'm pretty useless today. At the conclusion of this morning's conversation(s) I believed I was in a good place, because I could see so clearly how she was following the script and that there was nothing I could do about it. But this has led to my ruminating all day about the fantasy of saving her from herself. It's a useless fantasy, for obvious reasons, but it will not leave my mind-- just keeps going around and around and around, repeating over and over, pushing out any other thoughts-- so I'm finding it difficult to do more today than lie on the floor (or bed) and watch the ceiling.
There's a second rumination mixed in with the first. It's obvious that she has convinced herself that I am "okay" with her having the A... and that she actually feels some need for this approval (as with the camping trip). I'm going to re-read DR today (I don't seem to be good for much else).. but is it in any way important to convey the message that I'm not okay with it, but I'm dealing with the hurt? Or is it better just to give a show of not caring?
