The conversation was sparked this morning, rather than at the MC this evening (that session still to come). This was because last night, I arrived home after she'd fallen asleep, and, wanting to run the dishwasher, I remembered that she would want her travel cup washed. So I retrieved it from her backpack and put it in the wash. This morning, that gesture was returned with the bluntly hostile "Oh, so you went through my stuff without asking?"
This attack was soon followed by this exchange:
"[OM and I] were talking about going camping for my birthday [a month from today]. I wanted to check that you were okay with that."
"That's a strange thing to say. Why would it matter if I were?"
"Because I am a conscientious person, and I think about other people's feelings, so I actually ask them."
"Hm. Well, what would happen if I said that I wasn't okay with it?"
"Then you'd better give me a good reason why I shouldn't."
Somehow-- I don't quite remember how-- this segued into a conversation about the incident with the car. She told me how I had aggressively demanded the car and then, by rudely taking off without saying anything, I had "left me pissed off and [OM] totally devastated."
I explained [knowing how little good it would do] that I had actually been appreciative of her volunteering to bring the car around, and had been planning to apologize to her for the inconvenience when she arrived, but that when OM showed up with her I just wanted to get the hell out of there.
"But you knew I was with him. You should have expected that."
"When you agreed to come, I supposed you must be alone, because I supposed you would have thought about how it would affect me to bring him here. That's why it's difficult for me to hear you say 'I think about others' feelings' when you didn't think about mine at all, here."
[fast forward a little bit] "I don't believe what you're telling me. You waited two days to tell me this. You could've made all that up to justify yourself."
[after some silence] "Well.. I waited because the one thing that explains my behavior is the one thing that you won't want to hear and wouldn't listen to if I said it."
"Which is..?"
"If a woman is having an affair, why would that woman's husband want anything to do with the other man?"
"I'm NOT having an affair with [OM]. As far as I'm concerned you and I are no longer married. You and I are just roommates. I agreed to the two months so that you could get your stuff done, but I'm really just waiting for the papers to be filed."
I didn't entirely drop the conversation there, although obviously it was pretty much done. I did manage to say something that she did hear: that I have been trying not to be demanding or controlling, and I was sorry to have failed.
She returned later: "I'm sorry that I'm such an awful person and that you hate me." (I reply "It's not as bad as you think it is." She wondered what I meant, but I didn't explain.)
A little later still, before she left for the day: "You understand why I was upset about the travel cup, don't you?" "Yes. Right now you don't trust me. So you are uncertain of my motives-- wait, no, actually, you're suspicious and downright hostile toward them. Which means that you saw my getting that cup as an unwelcome violation of your personal boundaries." "That's right. ...I don't feel as though I belong here any more. The only 'safe' places I have are my computer and my backpack. This is why I want to sleep in the living room."
After this, W remained quiet and seemingly introspective for what minutes we had remaining.
