So yesterday I was going to post a lot of questions, because I have been really struggling for a week now. I think that part of it is detachment, part of it is being to critical of myself (probably something I need to work on there), and I think part trying to figure out where I go from here. In a lot of ways I have improved and made huge strides.... in others I certainly still struggle, sometimes I think that little things are what brings me to my knees. It hasn't helped that I have endured spew and manipulation.... long phone calls with the lawyer, enacting contingency plansI had hoped that I would never have to enact.
Then I read Sandi2 post "For the newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife"
I have to tell you I really wish I had this to read months ago... maybe even a year ago. It brought a spot light into an area of my sitch that I have been looking at all wrong. I helped to show that what I thought I was doing to try to improve things, was more then likely making things worse. I know some would caution me here, but honestly I think that she hit the nail on the head in my sitch. My W is gone, wrapped into a self absorbed, rebellious bubble. The traditional approaches to DBing as a WAW have not been working... maybe they did a little bit back in Dec when I first came to this site. I also think at that time I had taken a harder stance then I had since I first learned of the first A. As I caved and started more appeasement again.... it fell apart. When I took my stand drew some boundaries back in Jan, things again took a ever so slightly tick up. But by that time I think I was too far into the rabbit hole. I continued to struggle with following DBing, mostly focused on me... but wondered why I wasn't seeing anything, not one bit, not an even slight change, softening, nothing. Her post, and the comments that followed along with her responses put a lot of this into some serious light for me.
I'm now left with only one fundamental question.... how do I simply let go. I think for the first time I'm actually at a point where I understand that she isn't going to change. She's never had any intention of changing, she is on here own journey.... I sound like a broken record, its time to let go of the bread crumbs that was my marriage. Time to stop begging for the scraps. Time stop being disappointed when she doesn't call the kids at night, and then has the nerve to say through her lawyer that its all about getting more time with the kids. Its not, its about her, money, time, OM, new OM, old OM.... it doesn't matter its about whatever selfish need or want she desires. Nothing more nothing less.
Sandi2 said something else that I think hit home for me. For so long now I have blamed the OM (whichever OM you want to choose) that somehow if he wasn't in the picture that things would get better... they would change.... but really I was looking at the wrong person. I think that is evident now, as she is on A number 3 (online or otherwise). I guess this post is finally reflective of my understanding, of finally seeing things as they are, and hopefully finally understanding that my marriage is truly dead. The woman I married is gone, replaced, with someone else. Maybe one day she will be back, or even be better, but the first things that needs to happen is i need to stop supporting this new person.... it isn't someone I want to be with, and is only a ghost of the woman I once new. DBing starts with me, and its this weaker self that needs to go. warrior poet comes to mind. Strong yet, compassionate. Humble, yet strong in my convictions.
M:34 W:34 D:8 D:5 M:10 T:15 BD: 10/10/14 D filed: 10/21/14 PA/EA:09/2013 EA:09/2014 - on going (online)
