Barrybran - A Year On

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

Its 1:15am here and I'm lying in bed, unable to sleep. I feel I still have jetlag as it is 10:15pm where I was last week, which is fairly early for me. I'm thinking about my wife moving back to my town and custody arrangements. Our kids will spend 50% of the time with each of us but I have this underlying feeling that coming to an agreement with my wife will be difficult. It shouldn't be; I have no reason to feel this way really. It's a nagging feeling I have.

I spoke to SIL tonight about what lies ahead. It's hard discussing something without discussing it. I feel I can't talk to anyone lately as my wife isn't interested in a word I say, someone around me has been twisting my words and my parents are cynics. They strayed into negative territory a few times while I was on holiday and I either shut them down or changed subjects. I know my wife doesn't like me much right now but she's still my wife. Speaking disparagingly about someone only does harm and the people who'll pay the most will be my kids, so I refuse to go there lately. It's meant biting my tongue a lot, particularly when talking to my wife, but it's better than saying something thoughtless or hurtful.

Being more mindful has had some funny consequences of late. An incident occurred this morning where my dog has become fond of a neighbour's dog of the opposite sex. He was trying to attract her attention today while I was hanging washing so I put him inside. My wife and D3 arrived home, the dog got out and raced next door. I'm not sure if my wife followed him but I saw no effort on her part. She hasn't been around to witness my dog's behaviour recently and she was carrying shopping inside so her priorities may have been different. After chasing my dog through two yards, catching him and bringing him home again, I was really pissed off.

I got back, dog in arm and my wife challenged me by telling me to express my anger at her. The strange part was that in a split second I calmed myself down, still very worked up, but enough that I could think straight. My wife wasn't to know that my dog was horny at the door. She explained that D3 opened the door to help my wife out and came looking for me when the dog got away. My wife was not at fault and oddly, I wasn't really annoyed at anyone in particular, just a situation that I'd rectified that got out of control without my supervision.

I'm not sure what my immediate future holds though I'm bracing for some severe turbulence. I feel very clear about what I need to do and yet I feel like a leaf in the wind, getting blown around by uncertainty at work and the unknown of my wife's actions. I have a lot of people in my corner on both sides of our family, which validates a lot of feelings about how I'm handling things but ultimately means little as far as dealing with my wife. I guess I'll just wait and see where I land.

1:45am now and still not tired :-)