Wife having emotional affair 5

[PatientMan]

I know it seems like on the forums we are all "wet towels". I'm sorry about that. But facts are facts. You have to follow her actions.

My dad taught me a phrase a long time ago called "medicating with positive intention". It works with ANY addiction. It goes like this. Get your fix. Come crashing down. See how bad everything is, and how stupid your addiction is. Feel TERRIBLE. Make up your mind you're going to stop. Even though you're still in the cycle, just knowing you're going to stop makes you feel relieved and a bit better. Then, you feel good enough, what's the problem? Things aren't that bad. I don't know if I want to stop. We'll see. Oh look, another fix, F it, that looks good...REPEAT.

Look. My family and I have all gone through various addictions I can't even list. Makes my family look pretty darn disfunctional. But I know my addictions. I believe your W is being sincere with her regret, her pain, her suffering for the loss, her wishes that is was different......................but maaaaaaaan, until you can stop hitting the crack pipe it doesn't matter. You'll keep going because you can't stop even as it destroys you and you know the price you're paying.

OM is her addiction. Until she stops she's not driving the ship. Her emotions are. And she'll continue to flop all over in her mind to rationalize why she's doing what she's doing when in fact she's out of control.

The idea of "not wanting to push her when she's on the fence" just doesn't mesh with ANYTHING about addiction treatment. If you give an addict an inch they'll take a foot. Look at all the posts where WAW's have said they need "time to think it over", or have acted loving just enough to keep their LBS around. It's not even keeping them as a plan B, it's about AVOIDING CONSEQUENCES for their choices.

Meanwhile every vet on here (and every therapist facing addiction treatment) says DON'T ENABLE or protect them from the consequences of their choices. Seriously. You are only slowing things down.

You're right. She IS on the fence. She is torn between a destructive path and a healthy one. But she won't be able to make a healthy choice until she truly has to choose. She'll keep spiralling until she is out of room to do that.

Great post and perspective.

Just to clarify my own thoughts using this line of reasoning, I do not think it wise to push her for the sake of pushing her. In fact, let's call that "shove." A push is simply to establish and stand firm in your standards. Yes, you are an option, but you are not going to sacrifice yourself in order to be one. SHE is welcome to rejoin YOU if she chooses.

And just to clarify that, there is nothing good in standing firm just to stand firm. That would just be "stubbornness" and counterproductive. Find your sweet-spot of balance between compassion and conviction.

-PM