Getting back to me

[mustardseed]

So I really just suck at this. Another blow up yesterday when he gave me the stuff I need to finish filling out the paper work. I couldn't just let things be, I had to push buttons. Honestly, I feel satisfied by it--and that just shows how little I have grown. But I actually got some information and that feels like a breath of fresh air. I found out that he had found a bunch of old journals I kept from my teens and early 20s, leading up to not long before I met him. I loved exploring my dark side back then, and for the couple of years before I met him I was really caught up in emotional turmoil. I had no direction and acted impulsively and really just went on this path where I decided to break all the rules.

It led me to make lots of mistakes that I finally said "enough". I cut ties with toxic people, and made some conscious choices to get back on track. Once I made the decision it was like everything started to magically fall into place. I finished school. I ended up getting my first real job. And I met him. And for the most part, I grew up. Our relationship was a whirlwind that moved very fast, from meeting to moving in together within three months time. Married a year from that first meeting date with a baby on the way. Last night he decided to use that information as his new weapon to prove how crazy I am and I haven't changed. Interesting how I never kept any of that stuff from him--it wasn't like I was hiding the fact that I went through a wild phase and the only real red flag that should have sent up was that YES it was very recent to the time that we met--but he knew that at the time he met me. However, if that was who I really was and not just going through a phase, then don't you think he would have realized that withing the past 15 years of living with me? Why now--15 years later--is that at all relevant? Apparently those journals (which I thought we tossed when we moved out of our first place together) had made it through 3 moves without me knowing they were still around. But SOMEONE must have. And what a well-kept secret that was. He really must have been searching for ammo. It must have been driving him crazy that I was so positive and confident while he was in so much turmoil that he had to go digging up old dirt. It is interesting because our first big fight was right after we moved in together because he found that stuff. I thought we moved passed it then--before we even got married. Apparently for him it was just a matter of waiting for the right moment to pull that dirt out again.

I am so done. I am done with him acting like a victim because he had to contribute 1/2 his salary to supporting his household--and then somehow claiming the fact that he always funded Christmas. Yeah, but does going over board on Christmas mean anything when you are going to spend the next three months worrying about keeping the heat turned on? No, I never splurged on Christmas because I was taught that bills get paid before fun stuff.

Once again the kids heard us fighting. I hate this. For most of their lives my kids never had to overhear us fighting--minor disagreements yes, but this kind of nasty fighting never ever happened around them and rarely happened at all. Now within the past 5 months they have had to hear it 3 times. I think it really is time to just say, enough. I don't like him at all. I still love him, but in a "you will always have a place in my heart" sort of way. I still love the man I thought I was married too. Now I am not so sure he was ever real.

He finally said that he will leave. Let's see if it actually happens. He wants me to give him the money for the rent since it automatically comes out of his pay. I can totally swing it--however, I know that the law doesn't work that way. So this will just light a fire under my ass to file the papers.

I will not be writing him a check for the full amount because 1) he still has to support the kids so 1/3 of that is still his responsibility. 2) his car ins and cell phone are still being paid by me because they are under my contracts so I will be deducting that from the amount I get. The kids cell phones probably should also be split between us, so maybe instead of just subtracting his portion I should split that bill 50/50--although I won't make a huge deal out of that. 3) I should probably also subtract 1/3 from the utility bill. I'll be calling my lawyer today to hammer out the logistics on how to handle this until we get the agreement written up.

I don't plan on this being a permanent situation and still plan to move in with my parents to get my debts paid off and save money. But I will wait until school is over. I'm just relieved he is finally leaving so I don't have to make all of the major changes thanks to his impulses.