Wife having emotional affair 5

[PatientMan]

I'm not pointing you in one direction or the other, but in no way should you be basing your decision-making on how your young children FEEL. YOU are the father. You do what is right and best no matter what - THAT is what they need. They have the rest of their lives to understand and you are under no obligation to discuss your decisions with or explain your decisions to them.

-PM

[Zelda09]

Sorry you're going through this, 3kids. I believe I get what you mean about your kids...

Are your feelings settled or still up and down through the days, weeks?

For what it's worth, sounds like you're doing a heck of a job handling it all.

[3kids]

Thank you so much PM and Zelda!

PM I was useing the kids as an excuse. But I looked last night at why. It's not them it's me. I'm just not ready yet. Hope is still there.

Had a talk with the daughter last night. She expressed why she doesn't like OM. She is not ready to give up hope of mom and dad. And doesn't want either of us to find someone else. I talk to her about her feelings. How she shouldn't hold them in till she blows up. It's not good. She expressed how sad she is still and how moving from our house that she grew up in is hurting her.

I was just overwhelmed the last couple of days. To much going on at work. To much with the kids. To much with the wife. To much with life. I'm trying to do it all. The kids complain that mom doesn't do work with them or ever follow through with stuff for school. Projects that we start and don't get finished because they go to moms. I get them back and no home work is done, even when I ask her is it's all done and she says yes. The kids come to me with there pain because they can't express it at moms. If they do they get yelled at or pushed off like no big deal. Taking control of all the family health and financial stuff, big weight on my shoulders. Stress of the house finally coming to a close. This part is bigger then I thought. I was putting to much expectation on it. Like it would really hit home with the wife. But like Sandi once told me. They will do what ever there neurotic mind tells them to do to keep the fantasy going. Then I realized that this changes nothing. They are still together half the time like now. All it is is not letting them live for free. Now they have a payment. And it's not a house it's is a little 2 bedroom cabin under his name. 25 once told me they have to get closer before they start finding the bad parts with each other(something like that). I still don't want the divorce. Maybe she does maybe she doesn't. But there must be some reason she isn't or some reason that they are not buying a big house for all of them. I'm just not to that point yet. Still building my new life, heck it's only been a year. And I've done a lot for me and my kids.

Zelda the feelings hit maybe every other week. You still miss your old life and family. But the joy I get when my kids see me anytime is unbelievable. The sad days usually come when they have to go to there moms for four days, only because they are sad and don't want to leave. I appreciate that you think I'm doing a good job. This is probably the single most hard thing I've ever done being a single parent and I take a lot of pride in it.

Thank you for caring!
3kids

[3kids]

Well, we defiantly have remorse coming from wife. We will see where this goes?

[3kids]

Advise and or opions

I've been at this for a long time. I've had my wife come at me with something sort of like this before. This time was a little different. This time she was very remorse full. She messed up. Should have never done this (OM). Wants to take it all back. Even stated the one comment that I've been dieing to hear "it's not true that if moms happy the kids will be happy. I messed them up." I let her lead the questions and they came like this. How do we make this work? I can't just jump into your house, I would like to do counseling or dating. If I did move in because I don't or can't afford a place to live. How would it work, because I don't want to screw up the kids any worse. I don't want them to be scared if we have a fight that we are going to break up right away. Why do you even want to be with me still? I know if the roles where reversed I couldn't be like this with you. Where do we start? What do we say to the kids?

There was a ton of crying and asking why she still isn't happy. How she knows she needs professional help. I did ask about OM. She said she has to stop with him but is scared. I didn't push to much on that because she was very histarical. Not the time yet. She made a few comments on how hard this was going to be and wish should could just go back in time and it would be easier.

So from past advise, this is the plan. Going to sit on my blanket and enjoy my life. Let her do some work or come to me. I did offer for her to sleep on my couch that night and she excepted but after a while she said it was to weird and left. Just one phone call yesterday for me to take the oldest to the dentist but a request to keep him till she got out of school. So we will see where this all goes, slowwwwwww. Unfortunely she has less then one month to leave our old house. So somethings have to move faster then others. Ideal situation she would live some other place while we figure this out.

Well that's the new story line for now.

Thanks,
3kids

[Sotto]

Sounds like your plan is a reasonable one 3kids. Your W certainly seems to be turning and I think best not to push things and let her come further to you...

Rooting for you my friend....

[3kids]

I have to admit I'm curios as to what the wife is up to. Haven't talked to her in about a week(normal). All of a sudden last night she starts up a convo via text. Then at exchange is was a little different also (in a good way). Like she was looking for ways to spend time together.

In the text convo she mentioned that she was really looking to have a week off of school. So she can get energy and get in a emotional great state of mind for the hard tasks coming up that she has to do. This could be a number of things, house gets transferd in less then a month(still no plans on a place to live for her and the kids), moving, OM comes back I think next week, or she could have made up her mind on what she wants to do.

If she was telling the truth last week (big if), she plans on ending it with him and wants to start working on our marriage. Who knows? I for sure don't. Did the fog really lift? All signs point to yes.

But here is a great silly question. What if she does really want to work on us. And we try. But I don't like this new person she is. What if she has changed so much, I don't like her anymore. Just a little scared I guess. I always see on here to imagine an awesome future together. Tricky.

But that's if all the signs are right!

Big week finally going to clear out all my stuff from the old house. Very excited for that. And to get closure on that part of my life.

Thanks as always
3kids

[TenBook]

Sounds to me like these are good problems to have. I can't offer any advice but it seems that this is a good bit of positivity.

[Zues126]

I know it seems like on the forums we are all "wet towels". I'm sorry about that. But facts are facts. You have to follow her actions.

My dad taught me a phrase a long time ago called "medicating with positive intention". It works with ANY addiction. It goes like this. Get your fix. Come crashing down. See how bad everything is, and how stupid your addiction is. Feel TERRIBLE. Make up your mind you're going to stop. Even though you're still in the cycle, just knowing you're going to stop makes you feel relieved and a bit better. Then, you feel good enough, what's the problem? Things aren't that bad. I don't know if I want to stop. We'll see. Oh look, another fix, F it, that looks good...REPEAT.

Look. My family and I have all gone through various addictions I can't even list. Makes my family look pretty darn disfunctional. But I know my addictions. I believe your W is being sincere with her regret, her pain, her suffering for the loss, her wishes that is was different......................but maaaaaaaan, until you can stop hitting the crack pipe it doesn't matter. You'll keep going because you can't stop even as it destroys you and you know the price you're paying.

OM is her addiction. Until she stops she's not driving the ship. Her emotions are. And she'll continue to flop all over in her mind to rationalize why she's doing what she's doing when in fact she's out of control.

The idea of "not wanting to push her when she's on the fence" just doesn't mesh with ANYTHING about addiction treatment. If you give an addict an inch they'll take a foot. Look at all the posts where WAW's have said they need "time to think it over", or have acted loving just enough to keep their LBS around. It's not even keeping them as a plan B, it's about AVOIDING CONSEQUENCES for their choices.

Meanwhile every vet on here (and every therapist facing addiction treatment) says DON'T ENABLE or protect them from the consequences of their choices. Seriously. You are only slowing things down.

You're right. She IS on the fence. She is torn between a destructive path and a healthy one. But she won't be able to make a healthy choice until she truly has to choose. She'll keep spiralling until she is out of room to do that.

I would think if you really love her you'd realize that giving her more time is only prolonging her spiral.

STARSKY- Can you pipe up? What would you say to a WAW that was showing that type of remorse? I believe it was something like "I'm sorry to hear that, you're right, it's not that easy anymore..." and then let them sit with it for a while?

Again 3kids, I wish YOU the best, and hope you have the strength to walk the road you need to walk. Just remember that until WAW QUITS her addiction she remains an addict. Words are words. Feelings are feelings. ACTIONS are what matter in this sitch.

[Sotto]

Zues, thank you for that great post - very insightful and resonated with me in terms of H and OW. He is on a destructive path and is desperately chasing to regain the 'high' they had in the first couple of months of the A. He's in a cheeseless tunnel, but has yet to realise this - although consequences are really stacking up for him right now. I feel it can only be a matter of time....