Life after D - 01 - going from dark to light

[gogofo]

Long post alert!!!

I am starting this thread because things have changed in my life and I want a new thread with a new topic.

The D and my XW
She is a WW and used the D to give her the freedom she needs to carry on without or with less guilt. I have been trying to come to grips with the fact that she chose to go back to the EA/PA. She has been dishonest with me recently about a trip she is taking with OM this weekend. This used to hurt, but she is not my W and she is not the person I fell in love with, or want to be in a M/R with.

I have gained a new or clearer perspective on who she is and how she has been acting. The W I was hung up on and wanting to be in a R with has not been around since late December. With the discovery of the A I have looked back at us and can tell when she had her heart in the R and when she didn’t. If she can’t commit to the M, I shouldn’t be committed to her. The girl I fell in love with is not around any more. It is sad. She is in love with OM and will be chasing that down on her journey.

Thanks to WW post that Sandi has started I also know that I cannot be her friend, nor do I want to be her friend. She chose to end our family and our M, so that ends our R. I will not be her side piece. I was her side piece for quite a while and I am done.

I have not been warm to her, but I have been cordial. Yesterday I was getting things out or the house we were sharing and she was milling around in my area. I was only answering questions and briefly at that. She was hanging around while I was in the closet and I left her hanging. When I returned she just gave me the a silent “are you going to say anything” look. I did not see anything and she just said “um..? okay” and left the room. This is a new action from me and will be continued as we are not longer in a M and I refuse to be her friend. Co-parent for sure, but not a friend.

My new life in my house.
I slept in my new home for the first time Sunday and it was nice. Getting it set up has been a lot of work and will continue to be for a while as I work to get settled. It is pretty great to be in my own place away from the memories and feelings associated with being around my XW and her house. It was kind of a complete circle as the last nights I spent in that house were in her old bedroom in the basement where I used to climb out of the window in the middle of the night so I didn’t wake the house up when we were dating 10 years ago.

The kids will be with me at least 40% of the time and they will spend their first night here on Tuesday. They will be excited and dad is going to make this house the best place he can for his boys.

My emotions.
I am feeling more and more stable. I have good friends and family around me whom I have been talking to more and they have been a great help. I have friends who have been through this kind of thing before and even if their situations were not the same as mine, their pain and feelings were similar.

I got a different perspective on what was going on when one of my friends was talking about trying to save his 7 year R with his baby’s momma. He told me that his emotions were up and down while trying to save his R and then he was kicked out one last time after she decided to quit leading him on for a year or better. The phrase that got me was “leading him on”. This really put what was going on during the last year in a different perspective. I never thought about it as leading me on, but I think there is some truth to this, especially with a WW.

Recently I have been missing being in love. It took me a while to figure it out, but I miss being in love because my XW wasn’t loving towards me since mid December. When it was there right before the end it was intense and it also was during the mid summer. I miss being in a loving R and it is something I want in the future. I have had some wondering eyes lately, but need to remind myself that I am not ready to be emotionally connected with someone right now.

My GAL plans
I will be unpacking random boxes and putting the house together when I am at home.

I have started a 30 day exercise challenge from a website started by Neila Rey, today was day 1. The website is awesome and most all of the exercises do not require equipment so I can do them at home, look it up on the web it is very inspiring. I feel that if I can commit and stay focused on the 30 day challenge I will not be thinking about the XW. I would really like to make daily exercise a part of my lifestyle.

This Wednesday my friends local punk band will be playing with a pretty big time punk band at a local venue. A couple of my friends are going with me and it will be really fun, take me back to my youth.

This weekend I will have a friend and his boy over to hang out and play. I will really need it and need the distraction so I don’t think about the W and the OM. Still a little fresh in the D to be strong enough to not have her actions sting.

My planned changes
I am laying off of the self help books for now. My WW had me twisted up at the end of the R thinking that I still had a ton of work to do on myself and that I hadn’t changed. I felt insulted and confused when she said this and believed her. With clarity and separation from trying to save the M I can see how she felt things had not changed much, it was because she has been high on the OM. This puts me into a crappy light in the R and I am sure she felt things haven’t changed because she is back to where she was.

One of the last talks we had she even said that I hadn’t changed, amended her statement and said that I had changed. Then she started to spew about how she felt taken advantage of.

So I plan on reading a Vietnam book about my father’s infantry group. I also want to rewatch Band of Brothers and read some WWII books. I think I will find some inspiration in these war stories and how people persevered under terrible circumstances.

Things are looking up for me and I am feeling stronger and know that this is the start of a new beginning for me.