I actually think the MC feels that her hands are tied as well. She recognizes the situation for exactly what it is, but doesn't seem to have any strategy for dealing with it other than to support my 180 and GAL.
Tomorrow at MC session we will need to address my rejection of OM. I am sure that I will need MC to heavily moderate the session, because I am just dying to explain just why and how OM is behaving as an enemy to the marriage and why therefore I have no reason to be cordial to him. I need instead to say as little as possible while moving toward the goal of not having the OM anywhere near me. And I'm not sure how to do that.
After W pressed me this morning (including "does your cavalier attitude over the past two days mean you no longer care at all?") and I used our code word to stop the conversation, she approached me some minutes later to get my attention and say "I think I'm going to start sleeping on the couch in the living room" to which I merely said "okay".
On the one hand, 180 is clearly getting a reaction-- but on the other hand, is this some kind of weird signal that she expects me to start fighting for her affection? I'm thinking not because of what Sandi wrote
*She will bait her H, and test him. *She will give him just enough crumbs to keep him hanging on and attached.
but she seems to be moving further away, not nearer. I wouldn't be surprised if the next thing I heard from her was "Because you don't care about my being here, I'm going to start spending overnights at OM's place more often/all the time." Especially because I've got meetup.com events planned for myself for every evening this week.
MC isn't beneficial when the W is conducting an active A.
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Tomorrow at MC session we will need to address my rejection of OM
Why? OM is a predator!
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I am just dying to explain just why and how OM is behaving as an enemy to the marriage and why therefore I have no reason to be cordial to him.
I don't get it. You are paying money to some MC (who doesn't even know how to help) to monitor the session as you "explain" to your wayward wife why you don't want her lover coming around your home?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You may want to draw a line under MC whilst your W is active in an A. Why invest your time and energy in this when she is disrespecting your M and you. Why not tell her that you are no longer willing to invest your time and energy in MC, whilst she continues in a R outside of the M.
And you have no need to 'justify' your behaviour towards OM. You may however want to consider a boundary - I do not want to meet OM, I do not want him at our house etc. If he does I will not speak to him, I will ask him to leave etc..
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Sandi for the needed slap in the (virtual) face, and thanks Toots for outlining a boundary I can stick up for. This issue has been consuming my thoughts all day, regardless of every strategy I've tried to ignore it and distract myself.
I came to realize that it was not the OM that was the problem. I thought if he disappeared and I changed, all would be well in the universe.
Well it wasn't.
My W flung that affair in my face for a long time. She said, how come you don't want me to bring him by to meet the kids? It was just a tactic to get a response and to see if I had any self respect.
I remember calling her out by saying "I don't want or need to hear about your exploits about the OM. It hurts me, is that your intention?"
I almost guareentee you she will come back with something twice as harsh to poke a hole in your boundary.
But I stood by it and she eventually got the message.
The conversation was sparked this morning, rather than at the MC this evening (that session still to come). This was because last night, I arrived home after she'd fallen asleep, and, wanting to run the dishwasher, I remembered that she would want her travel cup washed. So I retrieved it from her backpack and put it in the wash. This morning, that gesture was returned with the bluntly hostile "Oh, so you went through my stuff without asking?"
This attack was soon followed by this exchange:
"[OM and I] were talking about going camping for my birthday [a month from today]. I wanted to check that you were okay with that."
"That's a strange thing to say. Why would it matter if I were?"
"Because I am a conscientious person, and I think about other people's feelings, so I actually ask them."
"Hm. Well, what would happen if I said that I wasn't okay with it?"
"Then you'd better give me a good reason why I shouldn't."
Somehow-- I don't quite remember how-- this segued into a conversation about the incident with the car. She told me how I had aggressively demanded the car and then, by rudely taking off without saying anything, I had "left me pissed off and [OM] totally devastated."
I explained [knowing how little good it would do] that I had actually been appreciative of her volunteering to bring the car around, and had been planning to apologize to her for the inconvenience when she arrived, but that when OM showed up with her I just wanted to get the hell out of there.
"But you knew I was with him. You should have expected that."
"When you agreed to come, I supposed you must be alone, because I supposed you would have thought about how it would affect me to bring him here. That's why it's difficult for me to hear you say 'I think about others' feelings' when you didn't think about mine at all, here."
[fast forward a little bit] "I don't believe what you're telling me. You waited two days to tell me this. You could've made all that up to justify yourself."
[after some silence] "Well.. I waited because the one thing that explains my behavior is the one thing that you won't want to hear and wouldn't listen to if I said it."
"Which is..?"
"If a woman is having an affair, why would that woman's husband want anything to do with the other man?"
"I'm NOT having an affair with [OM]. As far as I'm concerned you and I are no longer married. You and I are just roommates. I agreed to the two months so that you could get your stuff done, but I'm really just waiting for the papers to be filed."
I didn't entirely drop the conversation there, although obviously it was pretty much done. I did manage to say something that she did hear: that I have been trying not to be demanding or controlling, and I was sorry to have failed.
She returned later: "I'm sorry that I'm such an awful person and that you hate me." (I reply "It's not as bad as you think it is." She wondered what I meant, but I didn't explain.)
A little later still, before she left for the day: "You understand why I was upset about the travel cup, don't you?" "Yes. Right now you don't trust me. So you are uncertain of my motives-- wait, no, actually, you're suspicious and downright hostile toward them. Which means that you saw my getting that cup as an unwelcome violation of your personal boundaries." "That's right. ...I don't feel as though I belong here any more. The only 'safe' places I have are my computer and my backpack. This is why I want to sleep in the living room."
After this, W remained quiet and seemingly introspective for what minutes we had remaining.
I'm pretty useless today. At the conclusion of this morning's conversation(s) I believed I was in a good place, because I could see so clearly how she was following the script and that there was nothing I could do about it. But this has led to my ruminating all day about the fantasy of saving her from herself. It's a useless fantasy, for obvious reasons, but it will not leave my mind-- just keeps going around and around and around, repeating over and over, pushing out any other thoughts-- so I'm finding it difficult to do more today than lie on the floor (or bed) and watch the ceiling.
There's a second rumination mixed in with the first. It's obvious that she has convinced herself that I am "okay" with her having the A... and that she actually feels some need for this approval (as with the camping trip). I'm going to re-read DR today (I don't seem to be good for much else).. but is it in any way important to convey the message that I'm not okay with it, but I'm dealing with the hurt? Or is it better just to give a show of not caring?
And the third rumination has been what on earth to say about this birthday camping trip. If I'm going to be asked, I'll be expected to say something-- but she doesn't really want to know. She just wants "approval" to assuage her guilty feelings. And of course I don't approve. But if I tell her that, she will feel pressured and (again) see me as interfering with what she wants out of life!
She just wants "approval" to assuage her guilty feelings
What on earth makes you think she has guilty feelings?
"[
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OM and I] were talking about going camping for my birthday [a month from today]. I wanted to check that you were okay with that."
"That's a strange thing to say. Why would it matter if I were?"
"Because I am a conscientious person, and I think about other people's feelings, so I actually ask them."
"Hm. Well, what would happen if I said that I wasn't okay with it?"
"Then you'd better give me a good reason why I shouldn't."
Somehow-- I don't quite remember how-- this segued into a conversation about the incident with the car. She told me how I had aggressively demanded the car and then, by rudely taking off without saying anything, I had "left me pissed off and [OM] totally devastated."
I explained [knowing how little good it would do] that I had actually been appreciative of her volunteering to bring the car around, and had been planning to apologize to her for the inconvenience when she arrived, but that when OM showed up with her I just wanted to get the hell out of there.
"But you knew I was with him. You should have expected that."
"When you agreed to come, I supposed you must be alone, because I supposed you would have thought about how it would affect me to bring him here. That's why it's difficult for me to hear you say 'I think about others' feelings' when you didn't think about mine at all, here."
[fast forward a little bit] "I don't believe what you're telling me. You waited two days to tell me this. You could've made all that up to justify yourself."
[after some silence] "Well.. I waited because the one thing that explains my behavior is the one thing that you won't want to hear and wouldn't listen to if I said it."
"Which is..?"
"If a woman is having an affair, why would that woman's husband want anything to do with the other man?"
I'm NOT having an affair with [OM]. As far as I'm concerned you and I are no longer married. You and I are just roommates. I agreed to the two months so that you could get your stuff done, but I'm really just waiting for the papers to be filed."
I didn't entirely drop the conversation there, although obviously it was pretty much done. I did manage to say something that she did hear: that I have been trying not to be demanding or controlling, and I was sorry to have failed.
The fact that you even engaged in this type of conversation with her........and now trying to think of a suitable answer to give why you aren't okay with her going camping with OM, tells me you do not 'get it' about WW's or what you should do.
Look, don't lay around the house trying to come up with some clever answer to give your cheating W. Decide to lay a boundary about this behavior now, or you might as well pack it up.
She doesn't want you riding in on a white horse to fight off the evil OM. She does not want to be saved from him. She invites him. She is choosing him over you, and continues to rub it in your face.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
