H: I am sorry you feel that way. I don't know what I have done to make you feel that way.
V: you know well enough H: thanks, that really helps. please list what I have done or said to you. Nothing you are making it up.
After discussion with mentor:
V: 1. Your apple juice rant 2. I am very racist stance with aggression 3. The wrong bacon tantrum 4. Your father should smother your mother 5. You are fat and unattractive 6. I don't do illness 7. I keep telling you that you are xxxxx 8. You didn't throw the old bread away and disgusted with you (this morning) 9. You deliberately did x to annoy me ( including putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher!) 10. You are crap at business, xxxxx and yyyyy 11. I am embarrassed by you/ by x or y you did 12. Don't confuse me with someone who gives a damn 13. Criticising and belittling me in company, shops, garages and xxxxxx store 14. Swearing at me in public and private 15. Invalidating my feelings, no you have no right to feel x or y 16. Leaving coats in the wet which have accidentally fallen 17. Sulking, throwing tantrums if pubs don't have your favourite beer and insisting we leave 18. Swearing at bar maids and waitresses on x and y occasion 19. Chasing and cutting up other drivers on the road even when very dangerous 20. Leaving me alone on the first new year of our married life 21. Going to the pub most nights 22. Being unavailable at weekends for going away because you want to play golf every Sunday 23. Belittling my sexual needs and wants
Enclosed are several texts on these lines and three MP3 recordings
Then long gap
H:I realise there may be a few issues. Sorry I have not sorted these out
V: everyone has issues. Your choice whether to manage them or not. I will live a life free of abuse. That is my choice. I hold myself accountable for me.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/09/1508:36 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, I am so glad to hear that you have done what you have done. I was worried that living together was causing you damage, and it is a good thing that you have sought support and brought things to a head.
It was very brave of you to tell H that it is your choice to live a life free from abuse. It can't have been easy to do, but you have done it. And your H has some serious thinking to do now.
I hope you rest easy in your flat in Brighton and that tomorrow holds brighter things for you. You are a bright light on these boards V - kind and wise - and you deserve the very best things in your life.
Take care x
Last edited by Toots; 03/09/1508:49 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Really pleased you did that Vanillia. You have done he right thing. Now H will have to face consequences for his actions. Vanillia rules !!!! You are a shining light to us all with advice , gal and now boundaries !!!!
Relax and enjoy your evening in peace, I for one am definitely more relaxed after your news
V I'm sorry you had such an experience, I'm exceedingly happy you are somewhere you are safe and can relax this evening. Please, take some time for v relax, breathe and just be for a while.
H will or won't realise and deal with his issues, only he can choose to seek help and find the cause and seek to undertake the work to the solution before being able to work on a relationship if you think that's even appropriate.
You are an extremely strong worthy woman v, dont forget that, you have a lot of friends here
(And one bft fuzzball friend too)
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
I've silently followed your thread for a little bit but I wanted to jump in here and say I am really happy to hear you have removed yourself from the situation and set this boundary, you are so strong! Enjoy the peace. Brighton is lovely, go sit by the sea if you get a chance, I escaped there last week when I was having a tough day and wanted to sit by the ocean. It's so calming to sit by the seaside. Enjoy your peace and quiet down there.
Last edited by susana4; 03/10/1512:25 AM.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
I am so proud of you and your courage in taking that critical step for YOU. You do matter...very much so. I also hope you would look into IC to work through some issues of self-worth and learn from these unhealthy patterns.
Some people attract unhealthy partners unconsicously because they have some underlying unresolved issues with self-worth or self-esteem that puts them in situations where abuse occurs. Please understand that I am not saying it is your fault...the point I am making here is that when one works through those issues and comes to an undeerstanding of them, then that very particular issue falls away because the lesson has been absorbed.
In my mind, you are not just DBing your H to get back in the M, but rather putting up with that sort of abuse. To me, that is not okay.
You might be interested in reading a book by Doreen Virtue on assertiveness. Very good stuff in there.
