hold on! - 8

[u-turn]

I think I need to get this done and in the open, but how do I tell her that I want these things without making her think that I'm accusing her of lying? (which I really am not)

I am working up to saying this - and would like some input first if anyone's willing:

to me, this makes it sound like I don't trust her (which I don't know if I do right now).

I know that you said that you ended it with OM and that is big step for you and us, and I feel you coming back and letting me in again. You say you are recommitting to our marriage, I need to be reassured of this. I want you to write a letter to him to declare this affair over and tell him of your reestablished commitment to your husband and family. I want you to have no contact with him at all. I know you will have work related e-mails and conversations, but personal e-mails and text would need to stop. I want to see this letter before it is sent. This is both to help me regain my confidence in us and for you to have closure. We need this to rebuild. He needs to be removed from our lives. I also want to be equally transparent with each other. Lies and secrets were feeding this problem and we need this to end.

A draft letter may be too controlling and will feel to her like I am putting words in her mouth (no?)
I am sad to say that I am almost certain that this will end us.

I don't want to sugar coat it, but I don't want to push her back over the edge if she is near it. She asked about my nightmares that I had last night. I think she is feeling a frustrated that I am not just jumping back in and that I am worried about getting hurt again. But I think I need something to move forward and blind faith is not working for me yet.

Yet again, she could agree to it all knowing that she can just pass it off with him.