Mozza (10) + Links to success stories

[Train]

Hey, Mozza!

I'm going to springboard a little off of what Mach1 wrote up there by also tying it into this, which you posted on sandi's new thread:

So, is she a WW who lost her morals or is she a serial cheater? Is it possible that those were two exceptions? If she's a serial cheater in your opinion, should I just cut my losses and hope that she'll never come back?

If you've read through my threads, you know that my H has cheated twice, too. Once in 2005 and again in 2014. I noticed you said in sandi's thread that you forgave your W's first infidelity on the spot. That's what I did, too. Coincidence? Probably not.

I am still struggling with my H's second A. We've been piecing our M back together for almost a year now. And it's very hard work. Sometimes I want to give up. I am burdened by the SAME questions you are asking: Is this a character flaw? Or is this his selfish, hurtful response to an unhappy M environment? (You can see me ask those very questions in some of my very first posts here after BD2 last year, and I've continued to ask them through the piecing phase.)

In my H's case, I don't think he's a "serial cheater," per se, although by *definition* he is. I do think he, by "nurture," is a selfish person. To the contrary, I tend to be more selfLESS, sometimes to a fault. I will neglect myself to "do" for others. I have struggled very hard with it. I've turned to my own unhealthy behaviors/vices to cope with the stress of carrying that load, those burdens. And that just leads to FURTHER issues. And THAT is where I realized I needed to work on ME.

Let me see if I can bring all that home a little (you know I ramble):

As sandi said in her response to you over on her thread, no one can know right now which one your W is. I can tell you that my H and I did our M no favors when he came back after A1 and I forgave him on the spot. We didn't identify or fix what was broken in the first place. Seems only natural NOW that we'd be dealing with the same problem again. That's why I'm probably in a minority here in thinking that a second A - for those of us who didn't fix an issue after the first one - is forgivable. *But only if the person who cheated is willing to join the LBS in acknowledging the problems in the M and then navigating the very hard road of piecing.*

I am still saddled with the big question of whether H will cheat again. I'm sure that'll linger in my mind forever. BUT, I'm not going to allow our M to slide back into old habits and patterns. (We weren't sleeping in the same bed for about a year before BD2 - I mean, helllooo? Did it not occur to me that I was helping create an environment for an already-established cheater to cheat again?? That hindsight. Sheesh.) But if I am meeting my H's needs and he cheats again, I will know it isn't because I had become a crappy W like I did the last time. If he cheats again even though I have changed MYSELF as a person and a W, then I will know it's HIM - and not our M - with the true problem. He also knows my boundary now. One more A, and there won't even be a conversation about it. I'll take myself to a L and file. Plain and simple.

And THAT is where our own self-improvement comes in, which Mach1 wrote about up there. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter which one your W is because you don't know and you may NEVER know. What matters is figuring out who YOU are and what you're willing to tolerate in your life and in a M. You turn yourself into the best man you can be.

If your W wants to return to your M, you can also make sure you are the best H you can be. You can wake up every day, deliberately choosing to meet your W's needs. If she cheats again? You will have your answer. If she doesn't cheat again? You will have your answer.

But once you find yourself, you won't be saddled - or at least feel burdened - with the same questions you have right now. Because you KNOW you'll be okay, no matter who (or where) your W ends up being. That's why this journey is actually more about saving yourself than your M. Saving your M, if it ends up being worth saving, is just the coveted "icing" - an oft "natural consequence," if you will, of you loving ... truly LOVING ... who you see looking back at you when you look in a mirror. Because that kind of self-love and self-awareness and self-confidence is powerful. And it will make you irresistible to *anyone* worth her salt.