Thank you Bright ... not sure if I have handled things to warrant that praise, but I will take it ... not like any of us asked for this but I do think this thing forces you to find strenght under some couch cushions
Mleigh ... Thank you for the prayers .. they are much needed.
Ok, I am coming here in the form of a ... call it confession, exposing myself a bit .. call it what you will. It has been about a year and a half and in this time I have gone through all the emotions more than once, each time a little less than before. The mediation session is rapidly approaching and to be honest I have lost most my faith that W and I would be one of those who 'made it' ... had to say when it was a 24 year run, but its something I have been accepting.
Ok .. so here we go and I have already been using my personal 2x4 on myself ... but I expect a few here. I think part of the hardest thing is the alone time, I have used this time to focus on her at first ... then gradually it was centered on me and putting the work in, realizing this was not all me, I do believe I have grown but there comes a point the loneliness hits pretty hard. So I kinda just said.. .F it .. M is over, I ended up going out on a date Sat just to get out there, see what its all about .. fight the demons of being shy and secluded. I had a good time, was able to show off my personality ... I did realize half way in I was not going to go any further, to me it was just a total new GAL thing, I have no time for a R nor am I ready/willing. During the conversation she was sharing some things, about her family, her parents and talk about red flags ... she was 36 and I sat there thinking ... will she MLC later?? LOL ... I laughed to myself thinking ... I have seen it here before and if I D and end up out in the dating scene I will have this mental MLC checklist to make sure I never go through this again. I went to mass Saturday, but was disengaged, I feel like I have pulled back from God a bit .. and doing the date thing did not help. I now have to let this thing go softly and as painlessly as possible, I feel bad it was more of a selfish thing on my part just using her in a sense ... not that anything happened but I know she would be down for a second date, but has no idea the damaged goods-state I am currently in. So I created a problem out of frustration ... I need to re group ... gather myself and get through this mediation and move for this month.
As far as W goes, her neck seems better. I had S for the game (she left that early to go to a baby shower ... not really like her not taking 1000 pics) S had a great game and recieved the game ball ... I sent pics as she missed it. S and I had a nice lunch and back to my place ... when W did finally get there to pick him up I was all dressed and ready to go (To mass but did not tell her where I was going) ... she TM "Sorry I made you late" ... I TM her back a few hours later that I made it to mass on time, it wasnt a problem. Then later that night I went on my date.... smh
Sunday played football, picked up S and let him have some Xbox time as I put stuff in the crockpot, took a little nap. W called asking if she could come and get the dog, asked how I was, she said I sounded mad (Groggy from the nap) I told her I was good, then she said forget it I sounded mad and hung up. I just shrugged my shoulders ... took a shower and enjoyed the rest of the day with S.
Dropped S off this mornign .. she looked better, more happy and nice. I have noticed an increase in new clothes as of late ... no reaction on that .. just an observation.
Work is busy, I notice I am more focused on work that my sitch. Thats a relief and I am actually getting more done.
