It's a nightmare. Wake me up.

[koalada]

Dear Divorce breakers.

I have discovered this forum 2 weeks ago. And at this point in my life it is a great help for me.

My W (45) and I (46) are married for nearly 20 yrs. We have 3 great kids (S16, D14, S10).
On the 01/07/2015 she told me, that she wanted a separation and a divorce (although she never used this word). Due to financial problems, I could not afford to move out. So we lived together in the same house. Guess what I did the first weeks? Begging, bribing, bargaining, talk about the financial consequences of the separation, wrote songs and poems, bought flowers and tickets for a concert and so on. She tried to avoid talking to me and I could accept it for 20 hrs, before I started the begging again. I was a wreck. As long as I did not mention the relationship, everything was fine, but when I started begging again, it got louder.

10 days ago I left home and started to follow the 37 rules (plus GAL and detachment). We see each other on a regular basis (2-4 times a week), due to car sharing and our kids. I have noticed, that she no longer avoids me, and that she even follows me (to the garden or kitchen), to start a conversation. We even laugh together quiet often. I go to french lessons now once a week, got a new therapist and even went to a selfhelp group for depression. I am afraid, that she is just kind and open to make herself feel better about the separation. “Him feeling better, will make the divorce much easier.”

The last yrs of our marriage I was a hard person. Me and my wife have always given everything for this family. She worked full time and got a nervous breakdown as a result, I work 19hrs and took care of the kids and the household. She wanted me to work fulltime, so that she could become more stable, but I was afraid of working fulltime, because I was mentally close to a breakdown. The family life and work ate all of my energies. I used every quiet moment to draw back from the kids and my wife, because I was desperate. I had no energy left. My wife often said that she was unhappy with our intimacy and the relationship, but everything I've heard was: „Do more, give more, try harder, although you give 150%, it is not good enough.“ There were moments in the last year, when I thought about leaving the family behind. I opened a new bank account and planned to leave (I never did but at this moment it comforted me). In December 2014 she went to a clinic because of her breakdown and I guess that was the time when her decision got definite. When I look back to those month and years, I have to say that I did become a terrible person. Emotionally hard, grumpy and a manipulating martyr. We were both overwhelmed by our life. I really wanted to be a good father and husband and gave everything all those yrs to the point of self denial. Even the thought of doing something for myself exhausted me.

The entire world was on my to-do-list. And my marriage and me were on the last place of it. I thought, that we would work our way through this mess together and took our marriage for granted.

She told me, that she fell in love with a person, she never met (Internet?). But there would be no contact at the moment. And that she loves me, but does not love me and so on. She bought new underwear and shoes and got her hairs in a new color, lost weight, she spends time in front of a huge mirror to “get in touch with herself”. Every time I wanted to talk about counseling, she said „only under the premise of getting a good separation for the kids. No more marriage. It is finished!“.My wife is an art therapist herself and she goes to therapy twice a month. Every time she came back from therapy, she was even more convinced, that a separation is the only way. She gets angry, when I tell her that I still want this marriage to work (so I don't). She wants me to accept this decision. There is real defiance(?) on here side.

We went to the „separation-counseling“. The counselor opened up our childhood and I cried a lot (for the first time in many years). I got abused as a boy (my elderly brother), my father left when I was 12 and my mother was an alcoholic. My step-mom treated me like s***t for yrs. It was a time full of humiliation (24/7) and my father did nothing to support me. I can see many reasons, why this marriage ended up, where it ended, but for the first time in many yrs, I have hope, that this marriage can become a great marriage. Despite everything that happened.

I get medications for depressions and those medications ruined my sex drive completely. She wanted closeness, I wanted to save the rest of my energy to survive the everyday life. To me physical closeness was something full of expectations (Sex was one more “work order”). I have supported her therapist training for years in every possible way. She has a dysfunctional family background too. Her Mom suffers from a religious kind of schizophrenia and her father was emotionally not available, although he is a nice guy.

Right now, she is willing to accept every negative result of a divorce. She would be in deep financial trouble but is sure she will make it (she is unemployed right now). The kids would suffer but “they are resilient“. She would have to leave the house (rented) and so on. Everything seems to be better than living together with me. It is, as if she thinks that a life with me would kill her and that Mr. Perfect is waiting around the corner, eager to get into a relationship with a single parenting mom of three kids.

The last weeks, I have discovered the books „divorce remedy“,

So here I am, a newbie, who wants to keep his family together. Due to the fact, that I don't have an internet connection for the entire week, it might take a day or two for me to answer and post. I thank you all for reading and I appreciate any advice. I never want to go back in the old marriage. It was a mess. I want a new marriage with my wife. Real and lasting changes. I am thankful for this crisis. It has been the wake up call I needed to turn around my life.