Old dog seeks new trick 10

[Wonka]

OD,

If I were you, I'd dig out the brown evenlope and wait for W to come home to have the "no-OM" boundary talk with her.

If you read Sandi's new thread about new LBHs, I think it is time to ante the poker chips by being firm and decisive.

We will be happy to lend you support and guidance through this when you are ready to pull the "no-OM boundary" trigger.

[Old Dog]

Hi Wonka, I just this minute copied sandi's thread (minus the other chat) to a doc I can reference when I want to.

I've been wondering what the DB coaches would say to it. It's powerful stuff.

I've been talking about setting a boundary that says no mention, or texting etc of or to OM in my or the kids presence. This can now include nothing related to him either. I wasn't sure to say I found it though as it's proof I went looking for it and she doesn't know I have done that.

I knew there'd be something somewhere: she's not very good at covering her tracks although she has changed a lot of passwords recently. All using her old Spanish nickname that he referred to and she never ever mentioned to me in 21 years.

[Wonka]

OD,

The "no-OM boundary" is best set in person because it imparts the seriousness and gravity of the situation to W. No more Betty Bo Beep for W in thinking that she's pulled the wool over your eyes.

When you're ready to pull the trigger, Starsky and I would be happy to lend our support in crafting a no-boundary statement in addition to some steps for you to take when you calmly talk with your W.

Just say the word and we'll be right here with you.

[Old Dog]

Thank you. I'll do some research and draft something.

I do have added pressure in that S15 is due to go into hospital next Tuesday for a spinal op. Parents and patients have use of a bedroom the night before the op and on the day of the op so they can be near their children. I have a good friend who lives nearby with whom it's OK for me to stay.

After he comes home, we will both be taking alternate weeks off work to support S15 at home for a further four weeks.

S, I've also been considering sleeping arrangements for this period. It would be a good time to practise this but I also don't want to create stress for the boys, especially S15 while he is recovering. Maybe I should hold off on this until he's OK.

And just as a side note, I won't be going home this coming weekend as I've arranged to learn how to dance Ceroc as recommended by Vanilla.

[Maybell]

OD, wrt drifting, I saw a quote the other day:

Only dead fish go with the flow.

[Vanilla]

OD

Take action. Please, do this for you and your children. Wonka is right, and actually how you found the envelope is irrelevant. You could have been looking for a sock. Keep the marital bed, where W sleeps is down to her.

V

[Wonka]

OD,

When preparing for a confrontation about the OM and laying out the "no-OM boundary", it will need to come from a place of calmness coupled with strength. Actually, it takes balls of steel to do this. At this juncture, I am not too sure if you are in the right frame of mind to do so with S15's upcoming surgery occupying your mind and attention.

This can wait until after the surgery.

However, I would make note of the card and other A-related details to gather up some facts when preparing for the confrontation. 25yearsmlc said one piece of excellent advice to a poster not too long ago (paraphrasing here):

When one makes a point/argument from the center of calmness, he is at an advantage.

Genius, right? FYI...25 is a practicing attorney so she knows what she's talking about.

What do you think?

[Old Dog]

Thanks Wonka. I've just come back from seeing my IC where I discussed the marital bed / sleeping arrangements and no OM boundary.

We decided after going through it, that it would be better for me to move out of the bedroom. I know it would send a more powerful message to kick her out but actually I would rather have it this way round. I don't want to be hindered by her being in eiher the kitchen or the living room.

There won't be much opportunity to set a no OM boundary before the op anyway. Though it would pile on the pressure a bit more (see below). I have photos of the cards and 'sex bond' for evidence. I don't know if there is anything else: there may be but I haven't looked.

After I cam back from seeing my IC I called home to speak to S12. He's got this plan to mod his Sony PS3 so we were talking about it. Then WW got on the phone while S12 went to get S15.

She asked about my plans next Monday, the day before the op. She would like me to come home to help on the day as she is feeling stresed about it.

My plan was to go straight to the hospital from my flat because I was going to buy a car I had my eye on. Unfortunately it's been sold so I will have the day free after all. She doesn't know what my plan was and asked if I was intending to work that day. I said no.

She then in a very halting and hesitant manner told me that it would be good if I could come home to help preparation, even if it's just for the afternoon. She's going into work, the cat needs to go to the cattery, she feels ucomfortable leaving S12 at home waiting for my brother or his wife to pick him up. He's going to stay with them for a couple of nights with them dropping him off at school and picking him up again later. He will have to wait a little to be picked up, but he has an hour and half wat until WW gets home normally.

I listened to this and it would have been a good opportunity to validate but I've only just thought of it. Doh! I did 'ah ha' and acknowledge while she was speaking though, and then I said I'll consider it.

She seemed to be a bit peeved about this saying it's not a normal day and if she had to do everything she wouldn't be at her best for S15. I was very calm and direct on the phone and feel pleased with how I handled it, apart from not validating.

So I'd like to pile on the pressure a bit but I do have to conside S15 in this as he is the most important person this week.

[Old Dog]

I've had another text lecture this morning after our phone call last night.

S15 needs emotional support with preparing for this.

S12 needs assurance about how he will be catered for.

Between now and Monday I'll be continuing to do those things as best I can.

Then on Monday - additionally - the cat will need to be taken to the cattery, S12 collected, S15 driven to the hospital. And I'll be at work the whole day.

I asked you to be here from Monday afternoon to shoulder your half of the responsibilities. As the children's father. So their mother doesn't become overwhelmed. Not as a personal favour to me. It beggars belief that I need to spell this out.

Whatever you decide - at the very least you'll need to let S12 know in advance at what time / where / by who he will be picked up - both on Monday and on Tuesday.

Got to dash off to work now though.

[gan]

OD, you called it the post before the last one. You didn't validate so she feels like you didn't hear her...so now she's stating it again. You've got an opportunity here to show her (kindly) that you got it covered. Not for W but for S.