Old dog seeks new trick 10

[Vanilla]

OD

Please decide what is a boundary for you, how can you decide what is acceptable if you excuse W? If you hold yourself accountable?

How far does W have to go before OD decides enough?

I know OD this hurts that means this is too much for OD. OD, you have no reason to be shamed here, this is about W and her addiction to OP. All APs are lesser than the LBS, why? Only a lesser person would have an affair with a married person, boss or no boss, he behaves as a lesser spiritual mortal than OD.

No contest, OD find yourself very quickly. You are the more stable parent, the non addict, the grounded sane one dealing with very tough unfair stuff. Your children need you to be strong, you need OD to be strong.

Truly, this is awful, I would that this was different for the wonderful man called OD. But it is reality, W and her cheap OM are reality, lay down your boundaries. Decide what they are, write down a list of things that OD finds unacceptable, then OD decide on the consequences if they are repeated.

Please have your strength, clearly by making sure that W returns after OD leaves W is demonstrating that consequences should be avoided. W is married to OD, not divorced, this is an A.

OD has work to do to decide
1. What is unacceptable behaviour ( when OD is angry or upset this is an indicator)

2. What the related boundary is

3. What the consequences are if the behaviour continues

4. That the consequences can be enforced

5. That they are enforced

For example, it is no use trying to insist the A ceases at this stage but you could set a boundary that the evidence of it is not at your home in a brown envelope. You can insist the family car is unused, joint finances kept for family use. These are under OD control. OD has control over OD.

We are here OD. I understand too well as I had to face this and set boundaries. We can share with you our experiences and guidance and up to you how you use it.

OD whilst you are home, you have the marital bed, kick her ass elsewhere. V made the mistake of being weak on this and slept on a day bed. Go get good and annoyed enough to be strong with tough love.

((((((((((((OD))))))))))))

V

[Old Dog]

OK crisis over. I feel able to carry on standing.

You folks truly are amazing. It seems like half my posts start with thank you, but believe me it is heartfelt and very much appreciated.

Although it's 3.20am here in the old kennel, I have been asleep and that feels good.

i understand my wife has left me. I need to get to work on myself and I need to set boundaries. The thought of standing up for myself in such a manner feels scary - maybe I need to re-read No More Mr Nice Guy. Maybe that's putting it off further. [klaxon noises off] Procrastination alert!

I do have difficulty with that though. V, kicking her out of bed is a grand idea. Weve got a spare mattress. The only trouble is, there's nowhere to put it other than the living room and she goes to bed way too early and would make that room out of use in the evening. Something to ponder anyway.

[Vanilla]

OD

Yes, it feels scarey to start with and after a few times relief. W will push back so you will need to be strong.

Practice with other people on issues which are important and not vital. The rude lady in the supermarket, the co worker who dumps his work, the salesman who will not take no.

Rehearse, here if you want to or with your flat mate 12 steppers. OD where W sleeps is her problem to resolve, she has made a choice to do what she does., so W takes the consequences of that choice. In the attic if she chooses or the back lawn. OD is there so W vacates the marital bed as she has lost that right because of her A. If you decide so and enforce your boundary.

It will change your life

V

[Ggrass]

wow old dog, I didnt know you were competing for stop of the year against me!

2.30am is an awesome time to come home!

I know just pulling your tail, but reframing helps.

Gb and gg so far have both wandered in 3amish, so come on od?
What's stopping you, fun is not a crime. it should be a crime to be fun less and humourless.

[Old Dog]

Gg. I'm in the running for 'dirty stop out of the year'.

Although in this case, sadly I'm also in the running for a lack of sleep trophy. I did geta better night's sleep last night though I still woke up in the middle of the night again.

For years, my email sig has been:

Real Name
Defender of Fun

It's from a cartoon called Roly Poly Olie from the early naughtes which we watched with the children in happier times.

[Ggrass]

So far I've missed tonight curfew by ten min.
Been here wandering, putting washing away,

I too don't sleep as well as I would like, but it's getting there. Meds did help I went 4 weeks without sleeping. when it go too the point of dreaming of h being here, I ran off to get meds.

Don't think I kept it up long enough tho, but it was enough I hated to not be in control.

[Old Dog]

If you're referring to sleeping tablets, I understand they can help for up to two weeks but the lose their effectiveness after that.

--------

I'm round my mum's house and helping her record a to program on the digibox. The Jeremy Kyle show (think Jerry Springer) is on at the moment and S12 asks what it is. S15 pipes up with "it's like they always have someone on who says my partner is cheating on me".

I held my tongue.

[Sotto]

Hi OD, Sandi just posted some really insightful info about dealing with a WW active in an A - just posting a link as you may want to have a look at this..

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...nt=2&page=1

Hope you're doing okay (((OD)))

[Old Dog]

Hi Toots, yes I've read half of the thread. Very interesting.

I've regained most of my PMA thanks. But heartache has also returned.

------

More evidence, along with my Jeremy Kyle post above, that the kids don't know what's really happening.

At my mums yesterday and we're having lunch when S15 asks "where's mum again?"

I say "I don't know, she didn't tell me".

Then he says "oh yes, she said yesterday she was going to see her friend, I guess she's still there".

I don't say anything. But my heart aches and my eyes well up.

[Old Dog]

No reaction to my email by the way.