Alpha and WAW - part 2

[alpha99]

I just feel like posting some of the problems that we had in our marriage (mainly the ones that were my fault) here so that I may come back and reflect on them whenever I feel that urge to:

I had control over the finances. Left to herself my wife would spiral out of financial control quickly. I am (slightly) older, (far) more mature, and so looked after finances. Through good and bad financial times we never missed a bill, always had food, kids never went without, had numerous family holidays in the last few years. My problem? I was too miserly (or call it controlling) over every penny. To stop W from spending too much I would ask what she was buying and recommend how much she took out of the bank...on pretty much everything, nights out, make up, clothes. She has said how she resented how I tried to save money on everything. Whilst I don't see that as a bad thing per se, she clearly does. She wants to live 'more freely' with less consideration to finances. I proposed a new way of managing finances immediately post split but she was simply not listening. Should things ever work out then this is major thing to work on. I would be happy having a joint account (previously all wages got paid into my account/all bills came out - for convenience mainly but it was seen as me having full control) and after bill paying etc putting X amount into our own accounts for our own use. Again, this is only in the event that things one day worked out...I don't see that being any time soon.

Moaning - W sees that I moaned at her all the time. She is incredibly untidy and would leave things laying about everywhere. I would never tidy them up as I said I wasn't her cleaner. Whilst that is true, if things worked out one day I would have to be more willing to let some things go, not to complain about her untidiness, and to help out more with the household chores. I would complain she would use every dish in the house rather than wash one but at the same time I rarely did the dishes. Since W has left home I have been doing my own washing for the first time ever. Obviously these are things that need to change and stay that way.

Shouting/arguing/name calling - I thought out R was such that this was just how we were, but we would argue an awful lot over petty things, money, household chores, her untidiness etc. During those heated times I would say nasty things to her, call her silly names, put her down etc. I always loved her dearly and often apologised afterwards. She says this contributed to her A and our S because she feels (selective memory here?) that it was night and day, 24/7. It most definitely wasn't but that's how she perceives things. I am changing in that regard already in that I have been a lot calmer recently. I'm definitely not a hot headed person by nature, quite the opposite in fact, so this is really about changing the dynamic of our relationship going forward to that we don't do the same old dance. I have been implementing this change the last few weeks and feel so much better for it. Arguments have become increasingly more like water off a ducks back - I tend now not to get drawn into tit for tat kind of discussions where I would previously take the bait.

Fun times - When we first met and of course didn't have children, we did lots of fun things together as a couple, nights out, romantic holidays, lots of sitting around kissing, cuddling, talking about our day etc. Over time, and with children, this reduced to next to nothing. We would still go to the cinema, theatre now and then, but other fun things, the nights out in particular, just stopped dead. No bowling, no funfair, fewer Chinese meals out, all days out as a family centred around the children. Of course this would need to change. Our S has caused her parents to be far more involved with the children than ever before. My own parents have said they would now (or in the future should things work out) be far more willing to look after the children. We went on one brief weekend away two years ago and upon return my parents said the kids had been fantastic, we enjoyed looking after them, but never again. I have mentioned this to them recently and they have said they would help out far more if/when necessary so that more fun could be had as a couple by myself and W. That's a long way down the road (maybe never now, who knows?) but at least these things are in place should things come together so that we don't fall into the same trap.

Sex - W was not happy with our sex life. I kind of knew this but ignored it alot as at the time it was not a pleasant thing to think about. She would never mention it. I did try to do different things to please her but a lot of the time she would resist or flat out say no to the things I suggested. We wouldn't have sex very often in recent times, a lot of it due to the reasons mentioned above about lack of time together etc, but I had a sense she wasn't happy with things. She had said OM was very good in that regard (was she being honest her or just trying to hurt me, who knows?) I had suggested sex therapy to her (again, right on splitting up etc as these things moved into focus). Of course at that time she didn't listen but who knows in the future. It is something to bear in mind.