Now before I get blasted for everything I just wrote and said, I understand I need to work on myself.
Good evening, errod, I hope you are doing well. I believe what I've quoted above is the most important concept you can begin to understand right now. But I will get back to that.
First, I want to assure you that you are in good hands and good company. You have been receiving excellent advice, it's just a matter of mentally categorizing it so that you can properly consider it for its merit and then implement your approach.
To me, it seems like your world is spinning so fast that it is disorienting, and the emotional pain you are enduring makes each day its own battle to get through. Your energy is probably drained from months of being in - and this is no metaphor, it is physiologically verifiable - an extremely stressed state of survival.
You have been sacrificing your long term goals in order feel better in the moment. If we think about this, it makes sense given the extreme amount of anguish you are experiencing, but the fact that we can understand it doesn't mean we can't change it, nor does it mean it is the proper way to conduct ourselves. Put another way, you are a drug addict and are sacrificing your long term health because the pain of withdrawal is so severe that you cave and 'get your fix'. The only difference - ONLY DIFFERENCE - is that your drug of choice in this instance is your W and your marriage.
You need to make the decision to get healthy. You won't be able to save anything if you don't first save yourself. Like the instructions we're given on an airplane in the event of a malfunction in cabin pressure, you are much more able to help those around you if you put your own oxygen mask on first. If, however, you try and save those around you first, you compromise your own safety and ultimately become a burden on everyone else.
Without that decision, and the resolve to stick with it, the rest of this is pointless. No plan is worth anything if you are unable to stick with it. It has been said that change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. I think there is definitely merit to that, but there is also merit to the thought that sometimes we are floating through life without a rudder and without an oar, and blindfolded at that! And once it has been pointed out to us that what we are doing is harming ourselves, ignoring reality, and contrary to our long-term goals, with that realization we are able to see the situation much more for what it truly is and thus able to make better decisions. Somebody tells us what may be difficult to hear, but it PULLS the blindfold off. And from there we can begin to assess and act in our own best interests, using that information to steer our ship in the turbulent rapids of life we are encountering.
In short, now that it's been pointed out that you're addicted and are choosing to feed your addiction rather than to get healthy, are you ready to work on getting better? No one will promise you that it is easy, but it is definitely worth it.
Your call.
Here are some old posts of mine that I believe would be helpful to you.
An idea on how to posture yourself while detaching:
Originally Posted By: me
I don't know about your H, but my XW is all over the board. I don't know what to expect from her behavior-wise, so that's why it is so important to detach and not let that stuff get to you.
Expect that they will be irrational and insensitive. Expect the unexpected.
If somebody surprises you with a push, they can easily knock you over. If, however, you have the mindset that this particular person might push you and are ready for it, you can absorb the push and continue to stand tall.
The longer term goal is to not allow this type of behavior to push you, but in the meantime, protect yourself.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
