Getting back to me

[mustardseed]

Msd

Mind reading dear one, H may have nothing in his head but cotton wool, on the other hand he may be a secret Russian agent. Even if you asked the answer could be different tomorrow. H may hold no cards, he may prefer tennis!

Let H be H, struggle to be H. No labels, as otherwise your thinking will set in stone that which is lava and flowing. Sitches change, H changes, Msd changes. Deal with today Msd, not yesterday or tomorrow. The volcano erupted and now there is the beautiful flowing glowing lava, go near and it will destroy you. Let the lava flow and make its own beautiful forms, lave makes rich fertile soil for growth. It will cool and be warming and will go down hill to the sea.

Msd all you need to know is what Msd wants.

Creepy choir guy can be a practise, I would like to bet this is a repeatable creepiness.

GAL, please Msd I enjoy hearing about your GAL. So more.......

V

Thank you V. You are SO RIGHT. I am always trying to mind-read and it always puts me back in a really bad place. I read H's horoscope every day and my opinion of him changes based on what that random blurb of info tells me he should be going through today. I am deleting the APP right NOW!! Giving it up for lent at least.

I had a fun weekend away. The place we went is a place H and I used to take the kids when they were little. When we used to go the place was pretty new and no one really knew about it. It was always a spur of the moment decision and we have a lot of good memories. It has been at least 5 years since we have been back (I think closer to 7 but I can't really remember). During those 5-7 years we have been planning on going back. Had a gift certificate even. But the place had gotten popular and more expensive and it was impossible to get a room without a reservation--and since we had messed up our credit so bad we didn't have a way to reserve a room. So this time I went back because my sister has a contact who sets up a group rate trip once a year. H never wanted to do it, but this year I figured WTH and my parents were also wanted to go. I am glad I did.

It was fun, but I have to admit it brought back so many good memories, and while I sat in the hot tub alone while my kids--who are now old enough to be on their own in a place like this--did their thing I have to admit I got a little emotional.

I think H might have been feeling the same way because he has been asking the kids a lot more questions than he normally does and has pretty much blown me off. I did invite him to come along since this trip was planned when we were still in that place where I thought we were piecing, but he couldn't--same excuse as always but I know he also didn't want to since my family was involved. (oops, mind reading)

Anyway, I was the only non-coupled adult--it is a very family oriented place and geared for kids. I had some adult time in the 21 and over hot tub, but took advantage of when my kids stopped by to ask me to go on a water slide with them and really didn't spend too much time with the other couples when they were coupled (except my parents). Still, it made me miss him.

But when I thought about it, it wouldn't have been much different if he was there. He likes going off alone even when it was just the four of us. I realized that he really is who he is--I just believed he was someone else. Even when he loved me he wasn't really the "let's just sit here together and enjoy the moment" kind of person. I would have still been alone--but probably not feeling quite so lonely because I still had a connection to him even if I didn't have his presence. I think, back then I would always assume it was because the kids needed so much so we would give each other breaks by taking turns. And when we vacationed with my family my parents would usually give us a night to just go off on our own which we usually took advantage of. But then I got to thinking that even before the kids (which wasn't that much time for us) he always liked to go off on his own every morning and evening when we were away.

He likes his own space. I get that. He also hates waiting around for people or following an itinerary. I am kind of the same way, but somewhere along the line I started taking it personally. And started missing having some sort of frame work in which to plan my day. I think we are a lot a like in all of the wrong ways, and very different in a lot of the right ways.
I think I also started getting used to it to the point where I just started making my own plans with or without him because I never knew if he would be around or not and hated having to wait for him to decide or to let me know what his decision was.

He really didn't change much. But I think I did a two-fold mistake of resenting him for doing his own thing without including me in his plans--but expecting me to go along when he was ready, and giving him total distance by no longer making my own attempts to spend time with him or asking him what his plans were. The truth is that I think he wanted me to be their for him, but he wanted me to know exactly when and how to do that without telling me. It is too exhausting. I don't want to be lonely anymore. And maybe I need to just not be married in order to stop feeling that way. I can deal with alone. But I want it to stop feeling so lonely.

So I think--at least for today--that I am ready to move on. I think that I can truly say that I love him, but we just aren't right for each other. I think that I am in a place--at least in this moment--where I can accept that this is over. We are attracted to each other for the same reasons that makes this an impossible situation.

So it is time to move on. I need to learn to be alone. Before meeting him I tended to jump into relationships--not on purpose. Before him I was only 3 months out of a 4 year relationship with someone I knew I never wanted to be with long term. And before that person it was a couple of months single from another person who I always knew was better as a friend but he wanted more and I gave it a shot. I think I really need to learn to be by myself, and to be friends with men. I realized I don't really know how to be friends with men, every time I try it ends up in a relationship. And when I am in a relationship I don't make any attempts to be friends with other men. This is a major flaw that I think I need to overcome. How can I expect my husband to think of me as his best friend when I have no idea how to be friends with a man.

When I think of how crazy jealous I get about this "very good friend" of his I realize it is not because I think he is attracted to her in any way, but because he knows how to be a friend to him and I guess I never really got into that zone with him. It hurts more than if they actually had sex. I'd much rather it be that superficial.