Now before I get blasted for everything I just wrote and said, I understand I need to work on myself. The problem is I don't know how. All of my friends are married so I would just be a third wheel. Secondly being married at 19, I have never been to a bar or anything like that and have no interest in going to one.
You said all of that to her?
Why are you talking about going to a bar? Nobody is trying to get you to go to some bar. Is that what you think we mean by GAL? If so, then you did not read what I put in the 37 rules about going to bars. Hum?
Look, it's up to you. We have no control over what you decide to do. It's your life to make better or scr@w up. A lot of men have sit where you are tonight, feeling anger, frustration, fear, loneliness, dread, and hopelessness. Many were not able to bust the D, but they came through that he11 a better, and often, a happier man. May be hard to picture for yourself at the moment, but it is very possible for you. You can learn.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No I am not that dumb I did not say that to her. I was just explaining why my history to the readers of the post.
I do not have a lot of support where I live. I am the city boy that moved into the country and do stand out because of that. At the same time I can not relocate because I will never leave my D14. Plus I still have hope that things can work out down the road.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
Now before I get blasted for everything I just wrote and said, I understand I need to work on myself.
Good evening, errod, I hope you are doing well. I believe what I've quoted above is the most important concept you can begin to understand right now. But I will get back to that.
First, I want to assure you that you are in good hands and good company. You have been receiving excellent advice, it's just a matter of mentally categorizing it so that you can properly consider it for its merit and then implement your approach.
To me, it seems like your world is spinning so fast that it is disorienting, and the emotional pain you are enduring makes each day its own battle to get through. Your energy is probably drained from months of being in - and this is no metaphor, it is physiologically verifiable - an extremely stressed state of survival.
You have been sacrificing your long term goals in order feel better in the moment. If we think about this, it makes sense given the extreme amount of anguish you are experiencing, but the fact that we can understand it doesn't mean we can't change it, nor does it mean it is the proper way to conduct ourselves. Put another way, you are a drug addict and are sacrificing your long term health because the pain of withdrawal is so severe that you cave and 'get your fix'. The only difference - ONLY DIFFERENCE - is that your drug of choice in this instance is your W and your marriage.
You need to make the decision to get healthy. You won't be able to save anything if you don't first save yourself. Like the instructions we're given on an airplane in the event of a malfunction in cabin pressure, you are much more able to help those around you if you put your own oxygen mask on first. If, however, you try and save those around you first, you compromise your own safety and ultimately become a burden on everyone else.
Without that decision, and the resolve to stick with it, the rest of this is pointless. No plan is worth anything if you are unable to stick with it. It has been said that change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. I think there is definitely merit to that, but there is also merit to the thought that sometimes we are floating through life without a rudder and without an oar, and blindfolded at that! And once it has been pointed out to us that what we are doing is harming ourselves, ignoring reality, and contrary to our long-term goals, with that realization we are able to see the situation much more for what it truly is and thus able to make better decisions. Somebody tells us what may be difficult to hear, but it PULLS the blindfold off. And from there we can begin to assess and act in our own best interests, using that information to steer our ship in the turbulent rapids of life we are encountering.
In short, now that it's been pointed out that you're addicted and are choosing to feed your addiction rather than to get healthy, are you ready to work on getting better? No one will promise you that it is easy, but it is definitely worth it.
Your call.
Here are some old posts of mine that I believe would be helpful to you.
An idea on how to posture yourself while detaching:
Originally Posted By: me
I don't know about your H, but my XW is all over the board. I don't know what to expect from her behavior-wise, so that's why it is so important to detach and not let that stuff get to you.
Expect that they will be irrational and insensitive. Expect the unexpected.
If somebody surprises you with a push, they can easily knock you over. If, however, you have the mindset that this particular person might push you and are ready for it, you can absorb the push and continue to stand tall.
The longer term goal is to not allow this type of behavior to push you, but in the meantime, protect yourself.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I will admit I did not sleep much last night. But at 7:30 I got out of bed and went to the gym. I then ran to Wal Mart for a few things. On my way back I got Dunkin Donut coffee for the staff at the Dental office. W did not say anything which is what I expected. The other 3 girls were as happy and thankful as they could be. I then went home showered and groomed. When I went back to the office I was dressed in khaki's and a polo and wore some cologne. When I got there my W kept asking me why I was dressed up (I usually only where swishies). I just told her I felt like it. I had to get something from the front office and our receptionist goes you are really looking good today. W looked up at her and I just said thank you and went back to my back office to finish my work.
W followed me back there and was talking for a little while until the next patient came in. Half the conversation was about D14 and the other half was about her plans for her house. I just smiled and listened back. Even though the conversation topic wasn't a good topic, W did talk to me as long as she could which was an improvement.
I am going to go to the mall soon to get some new pants. Then I have my D14 tonight. I do not expect to here from W tonight , but I will be fine either way and not just staring at the phone.
The hardest thing for me is going to be keeping busy. But the weather looks like it may be breaking and I always go through a funk during the Winter. So now it is time to kick the funk.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
Just found out that D14 is leaving for States tomorrow morning and not Weds morning. So I will have to go to W's tonight at some point to get my daughter the clothes she needs to bring.
W did call me at lunchtime when she found out about when D14 is leaving for States. She just needs to be in full control of everything now. The entire conversation was her just trying to control everything. I did not say anything this time I just let her talk. Even though I know that area rather well being there a few times and she has never gone.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
Just got back from W's. Had to go pick up clothes for D14 who is going away tomorrow. Very uneventful which is a good thing right now. Stayed for about 15 minutes. W showed me the plants she has started for her garden. Also sent us home with a homemade lemon cake. No substance to our conversations but that is a good thing as I am trying to detach.
One thing I do want to hear some opinions on and I don't know how others feel about it is Wedding Rings. As I said before she took hers off unexpectedly last Monday. I have continued wearing mine, due to me being a religious person and when I make a covenant I keep it. Am I doing the right thing by keeping it on or is it making it harder to detach?
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
You may be tired of hearing so much from me, but I say if you don't want to take your rings off, then keep them on. IMO, it is better to leave them on, rather than pull them off.....and regret it, so back on they go.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
