Geez...There's a couple questions out there I need to think about....
1. What am I angry about? Good point...you are right. W is working on it and I should simply chill. I think I'm extremely angry at (mostly) myself and W for letting things get this bad. W has made the rule that these issues are off-limits and not up for discussion...we have to be forward thinking. I have to give her credit for this. However, she seems completely incapably at self-examination and accepting her flaws as something to work on. She seems to consider herself an expert on everything she engages in so in her mind, there's no need to read or understand other points of view. She guides herself through "feeling" which hasn't worked for us in the past. Her lack of "approach" is what drives me nuts and I'm not going to help her with this other than telling her about how I approach my issues...I assume that I don't know anything even though I think I do. She doesn't humble herself to herself. It's weird and frustrating.
Also, she might, on a very deep level not be happy either despite her assurances. Maybe her constant reminding me the she "loves her life with me" over the past years is self-talk to convince herself that she does when she really doesn't. So, a lot of my anger might be from the fact that I'm detecting something deeper that she isn't even aware of. Of course, if I push, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm constantly looking at areas where I can improve myself and looking at reasonable approaches. Anger was something that I never realized I had a problem with until I started journaling here. But why do I have anger? This will be something for me to explore. Last time I was in the bookstore, I thumbed an anger management book just for the fun of it; not thinking it applied to me. But I took a quiz and it showed that I'm a candidate for professional help. What's odd is that if you asked anyone about me they would say that I'm the most happy-go-lucky person they have ever met because I also go overboard trying to make people around me feel comfortable. There's a relationship between these and I'm not sure what they are. Overcompensating for anger? Even my 6'2" height has something to do with this...a reverse of little-man syndrome.
2. Do I want W to fail? Great question. Ideally, I want her to succeed and I want my M to succeed. When I say some of these things here, I'm simply unleashing this anger and frustration with her. She has yet to prove that she can create real change. It's early and I should give her time. I'm much faster at changing myself because I gather information, reexamine everything I think and try to see the world from a new perspective. I try to flip my world upside down. She just keeps doing what she's always done. Do I want her to fail? No. Do I expect her to? Hmmm....right now I do because her behavior shows very little motivation. BUT, she IS doing something...therefore, I need to just give her time to get it goin'.
You know, W likes to "pretend" alot. I'm starting to learn that about her. This morning, she was really sweet to me and even gave me a good, good-morning kiss with a grope. She mentioned something about making shure I didn't leave home without a little lovin'. So, if I can just forget about how she was (truly) feeling last night, play along, then everything would look fine. She is no more guilty for hiding her feelings last night as I was the night before when I was angry. I think right now, it might be just a good idea to "play along" with the "acting" that we are both doing. The "act" is "right" despite the underlying feelings and thoughts...it's probably good pattern to repeat of this until it becomes more "reality". It might be way more damaging to remind her (and myself) that there are underlying problems. In her world, she can only mentally handle a "slight course corrections", not a complete 180.
Wow, this journal is helping me. These insights just surfaced. If any of you saw the Matrix, there was a point where the main character chooses to take a "red pill" which will enlighten him to the "real" reality of his existence. If he takes the blue pill, he will go on with his current life which is in reality, a "dream" type of manifestation in his mind but a much better reality than the true reality...am I making sense to those who haven't seen this?
