Claire I had a really interesting lunch yesterday. It was with a friend I haven't known very long, but she is very intuitive and just seems to know things about people. It's odd, actually. Anyway, she was talking about how H and I didn't match-up now, how we didn't seem to belong together, but that she could see how we belonged together 27 years ago. It was interesting to think of it that way. That is used to be right and now it's not. And my IC says sort of the same thing. That H and I were very good at conducting business and raising kids together, but he's not what I need for these upcoming years. When you think of it like that, it's easier to take. Our choices at the time we picked our Hs were valid. But who they are now is not necessarily the best for us going forward. I can buy into that.
Holy crap I need to work on my validation skills. I realized that tonight during a tough conversation ( In person--a rarity!). I kept catching myself saying "yes, but. .." or defending myself or arguing a point or throwing up a score card. On the bright side, I practiced accepting an apology gracefully and ending a conflict with some humor. So I'll focus on that positive.
Marathon. Saving myself, and my relationship with my daughter's father as we co-parent her. My goal is not to save marriage. First of all, my marriage is over. Second of all, I am not all sure that I have any interest in being married to WAH.
Thanks rpp. My conversation with WAH last night clarified a bunch of things for me. He is not really able, and therefore not willing, to do the work on himself that he would need to do to have a happy marriage. He us holding on to a lot of anger, and projects his frustration about being Divorced onto me ("I don't make things easy for him". I guess I forgot that part of our agreement!)
He says that when he announces another schedule change, my reply of "fine" is intended to make him feel guilty. He disagrees that "no one can *make* you feel anything.
He is still not willing to really acknowledge his role in the M. (He did agree that he didn't tell me I was beautiful often enough (ever), but can't connect that to relating to how we ended up here.
I think he doesn't want to be divorced, in general, but doesn't want to be married to me, either.
He also mentioned that his mom tells him that he takes on too much parenting responsibility. Yes. This from a woman whose own husband left her with two young boys, and whom she described to me as an "a-hole" a few years ago. There is definitely a little boy on a pedestal syndrome at play.
Basically I realized that he just doesn't possess much self-awareness, and doesn't really want to have any. He is not really capable of facing any of his flaws or mistakes.
maybe he will find someone who is perfect on her own (not much work involved), who will think he is perfect too. That exists, right?!?
So... a bit of spew from WAH today . I need validation help.
He was picking up D on an unseasonably warm day. (It's been FRIGID here for weeks, but pretty warm today). Still, she had on a couple of light layers and I said, "Is she going to wear a jacket at all?" He rolled his eyes at me as if I am the most controlling, over-protective mom on the planet. (Ok, I used to be, but nowadays I don't say a WORD about his parenting.) I called him out on rolling his eyes at me.
A half hour later, I got a 3 paragraph email:
I'm sorry I rolled my eyes. I know you are sensitive to that and I should avoid it.
I'm sensitive to being questioned as caregiver. Of all the things that you may choose to no longer trust about me, as you have mentioned, this seems least warranted and necessary.
D4 is the single most important thing in my life. I think you know that. Generally, on almost everything about how we raise her, I defer to your opinion and am more than respectful of it. I wish some of the finer details didn't have to be debated.
I'm supposed to validate. I know. But seriously? Because I asked a question about a jacket?? This seems so petty and manipulative. To me, it's like he goes on the offensive to make me feel too timid to ever question anything. And that doesn't feel ok. Do I really have to validate this cr@p? The more I think about him, his lack of R skills, his lack of self-reflection... I do not want this man at all.
Could really use some feedback on this, if anyone is listening. Thanks.
I didn't work too hard on this but what about something like this? The idea is to very SUBTLY suggest that if he was confident as a parent he wouldn't interpret a question as criticism...unless of course you actually meant it that way in which case you need to look in the mirror
"Thanks for clearing the air. I can understand why you would feel exasperated hen I nit pick over tiny differences.
For the record, I have noticed and appreciate the awesome job you have done as a father. I'm really grateful because D4 just adores you and nothing makes me happier than to know she feels loved by both her parents.
I am not her primary parent, we are both her co-parents. Not only does that give you the right to father her the way you want, you have demonstrated you are more than capable. Someday I hope we can talk about parenting together as equals without me being controlling or you being threatened. The way things are going I think we'll get there. Thank you."
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Claire - Given that your H seems inclined to overinterpret communications between you I would keep it as short as possible (that's just my opinion).
Something like - I know that D4 is the most important thing in your life and that you care a lot about being a great father. I'm sorry, I didn't equate asking about a jacket with questioning your parenting skills or opening a debate. In the future, I'll be more aware that you may see it this way. Enjoy your time with D4.
This is pretty brilliant, imo, for something you didn't work too hard on!
Thanks very much.
(And boy do I have SO much to learn about validation. All I could of in terms of a response was defensive and probably condescending. I have a long ways to go!!)
I realized today that it's easier now in some ways to be nicer to him-- to engage in small talk, etc. I think it's because i really have no expectations right now. I'm not trying to win him back, so nothing he says (or doesn't say) or does (or doesn't do) bugs me too much.
I mean, how can I pine for him? I want so much more than what he can offer.
You know Claire7...I'm right there with you. I still have swings of sadness and pain, but more and more my overall life is going pretty gosh darn well. More and more I'm totally fine.
I just had a quick email exchange with STBX and it was like touching a bruise. Still a bit tender, but not causing pain unless I actively prod myself. It used to hurt like I was in the electric chair. I'm pretty happy with bruise
I've got an awesome family (In fact, I feel like I've got more of a family), I've got a challenging job, good friends, and some passions that keep me really engaged.
Yesterday I did something that I've been putting off for a while and assembled/installed two bookshelves in my apartment, then unpacked 6 boxes of books and filled those shelves up. Oh, and covered the top with another box of trophies. I'm actually not a huge trophy guy but I couldn't throw them away.
Somehow seeing the trophies (from work and from pool), all the books that I've read (fiction, philosophy, religion, history, politics, humor, game theory, classics), I don't know...I just felt really good about who I am. Also, I think all those books reminded me of different times in my life when I read them, and it made me remember who I am. I just really like me.
In my M I was darn near suicide. It was a terrible M. I hated it. My W was a terrible W. I was a terrible H. It didn't work. I still don't believe that this was the solution, but hey, spilled milk. And while it doesn't match my beliefs, there is no question it is less difficult and painful because the misery is over.
Lots of rambling. Point is that I too have found myself losing interest in how my STBX is interpreting my words (or lack of them), blah blah blah. I know where I'm not wanted so as my DB coach said "I'll just take my changes and play over here"...
Glad you're doing well and wishing you a wonderful rest of the week.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
