For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife

[sandi2]

Thanks Vanilla, and I agree with what you said. That is why I tried hard to clarify it in the beginning of this thread. I am trying to be cautious not to advise something that would damage the MR worse than what it is. As I once explained to you, the WAS is not usually the one who is wanting to save the M. Although you did leave at one point, you are currently the one trying to save it. As you so eloquently said, you ate trying to stand up for yourself and build a better life. I applaud you from the bottom of my heart. You are too good, V. I can't even read threads about men such as your H b/c it angers me. (No offense meant to you, please know.)

It was actually after I was reading your first thread that I started using the wayward wife term instead of just WAW. (When I cirst came to board nearly eight yrs ago, I hated that that seeing that term.) Anyway, when I saw you referring to yourself as a WAW, and when I started reading more of your posts, I thought, "Wait, this lady doesn't sound quite like any WAW I have read about... and sure nothing compared to myself". . After I posted to you, I thought I detected a little confusion......or maybe it was just your sweet way of disagreeing with me. In past times, I would try to remember to distinguish between the two WAW's by adding "who is in an A". After posting to you, I made a greater effort to disquenish them. I do truly believe it makes a huge difference in the condition of her heart whether or not she has an OM. (And of course, there have been those who just went wild, with no particular OM in mind.) By saying I believe it makes a difference in her heart, I am not suggesting a woman couldn't lose her love for her H due to other reasons. Several serious and legitimate reasons, other than infidelity, can break down a M beyond repair. Many women have reason to have a cold heart, but it isn't wayward. I hope I am making sense. I realize i am not the most talented in writing skills.

I believe there are some women who walk away who feel done with the M, however, they are not interested in finding someone new right away. There is no outlandish change in their moral behavior. The same cannot be said when she is wayward and has that cold, rebellious, selfish, defiance that has grown over years of resentment and it takes priority over everything........often times her own babies. She has allowed another man to take over her mind and/or have his way with her body. That is what separates the two types of WAW'S, IMO.

I try to be cautious and indicate that my advice is for the H who has a very wayward wife. I never advise cruelty, or even coldness toward the WW, just applying tough love instead of soft soaking the stitch. Also, I want it understood that this tough love stance is hopefully not forever, but could be for an indefinite amount of time. The determining factor is the behavior of the WW.

Again, thanks, V, for bringing attention to that difference.