hold on! - 8

[u-turn]

Thanks Peter - I don't know if that is inappropriate though. I am uncomfortable with it right now, but I wouldn't have been before all of this. I have gone to lunch with female co-workers when I was working in other offices before. I want to trust, but I don't think that I should (or even want to) try to control every minute of her day. These are my trust issues now, I'd like her to help me with them, but ultimately they are my issues to deal with.

Sunday journal.
We have had some conversations this weekend that, I believe, are letting me in a little more.

Friday, W called me on the way home from work crying. She's still very upset about the attack. She has had a text conv. with attacker's W in which she partially defends him and definitely enables his behavior. This completely angers and upsets W.

W went to see a therapist Friday also, and is going to see him once a week. I believe she will only talk about the attack and not about the A or our M, but hopefully I am wrong. I

When she came home, I was going to give the kids some money for them to get themselves some dinner so we could talk, but W wanted to all be together and "be normal" as she said.

She asked me if I wanted to go see a C and she also asked me if I'd be open to finding a new MC. I said I would like to do that. (this is a good sign to me as the couple of times that we went to a MC before, was not helpful at all - too early, wrong MC)

W invited her family over to our house for D-15 birthday celebration. I haven't seen them for almost a year (really since BD). They commented how different I looked (not good - skinny, gray hair & beard). MIL was friendly and joked that I should color it - I said no, I earned every one of these. The kids had a good time, D-15 actually wanted to have this party, because she hasn't seen this family together in such a long time. It was good for us.

I hope W being comfortable having family over again is a good sign.
I see many good signs, but I may be looking too closely for bad signs too. I think I need to expect ups and downs and not be so discouraged by the downs (or what I assume are downs).
This morning she asked me what I am thinking again (every day now). I said that I liked that she was letting me in to her head again. We both commented that we liked seeing each other smile and laugh.

I did say that I feel like I lost a year. She said she was sorry - I wasn't looking for an apology, I was just talking.

So much happening, and I am having a hard time prioritizing.

We are going to see the lawyer about the DUI this week also. I don't know if I should push too hard for the MC at this very second, she has a lot on her plate (I don't want to get overwhelmed, but want to keep forward progress on all fronts - that's not asking for too much - right?)

And no, I have not had the conversation about NC with OM yet either. This is going through my head very often (almost all the time) but I am looking for opportunity without seeming accusatory.

I could write a list of good signs and bad signs, but I think I'd be obsessing a bit much, and many of the bad signs are just mind reading things anyway.

Sandi - if you are around, your thread about WW is so valuable, and I am reading that closely. Though when I do read it, I get a little discouraged again thinking this is all a highly improved version of the WW game she is playing.