Susana (7) - Like a big pizza pie

[susana4]

Thank you Zues, I needed that 2x4. And I do agree with all your opinions, I just got a little lost recently.

How can you find your H's lack of commitment hurtful, and then literally kick around the idea of doing the same thing (giving up on the M)?
So true, this is the 2x4 I needed most. In the beginning I set down the path of DBing *because* I take my commitments seriously and I wanted to know I'd done everything I could to save my M, so that no matter what I could look back and feel I acted with integrity. Now, I haven't acted on my feelings of the last few days (thank God) but my feelings have not been in line with my beliefs, which is that I took my vows seriously and can't just walk away. And you're right, I am being very hypocritical atm.

We all know love is a choice and feelings shouldn't play into our actions. But it's harder in practice to choose to love someone who's hurting you. But, I set out in the beginning of my DR journey to unconditionally love H. Not to take cr@p from him, but to love him. So I guess now is the time to 'choose to love' even though the loving 'feeling' is gone. Gotta dig deep.

I know my sitch is in a much better place than many on here (and I have such admiration for people on here who keep going in the bleakest of situations). I feel a little guilty for feeling down at this point in my sitch. But, I have come to the conclusion it's a defense mechanism, like I said I have felt H move a bit closer and my reaction is to build up a wall of anger, or feel the desire to run.

I think the anger is understandable but I also don't think it's good for me to be feeling this much hurt, anger and resentment. I have always had trouble trusting, and being open and vulnerable. So I guess a 180 would be to take down the wall of anger, and be open. My question for myself (which I need to ponder a bit) is whether and how I can do this without opening myself up to more hurt?

Thanks for mentioning T0324's sitch, I am going to read up on it later (looks to be long so will take my time over the coming days!). I really like reading other's sitches and learning from what they have done.