mlc rut

[pbetra]

Continued:( re: Hi all in db land,above)

Ok, so I did what I had to earlier that day (previous post). Cleaned, organized ... stuff I do when excess energy needs to be expended & I am unable to go out.

I don’t know what happened to me recently - the numbness? drive? resignation? - thankfully, all are finally declining (good thing ), although incrementally. I guess the abundance of 'pre- big reunion' comments & remarks, the same @#$$%^*&%! conversation over & over (!) again, each time with more intensity and narrower intervals between them, was too much!
I could 'take' negative comments once, thrice, even a little more (this IS mlc after all!), but I was BOMBARDED. It was intentional (NOT an emotional outburst) - berating, belittling, communicating that I was less than & so inadequate ... but I knew why . The boys were gearing up for the 'event' and the women who would be there! The thing is, these recent conversations always began in a pleasant way - so I ‘returned’ the civility. Unfortunately, it eventually morphed to the same end or messages.

Absolute vs method madness:
I know this is ‘mlc crazy’ but I have also noted that there is often 'method in madness’ re crazy people of the world. Think about psychos.Very few psychos brutally kill their victims then call the police with a polite 'narrative' of what happened, as if reading a story at school including information about where to find the butchered bodies (this wud b true 'absolute madness').

Many are smart enough to commit crimes in isolated areas, hide the bodies and carefully remove any evidence. It's all 'secret' (which is why there are so many unsolved crimes and so many resources used to gather evidence to solve those crimes). They KNOW (!!) 'wrong' on some level - there is 'method' in the madness.

Well h's 'method' 2 berate was about giving himself a permission slip 2 do what he really wanted (explore opps. without limitations (!!) at the ‘big reunion’). These mlc-ers are 'smart crazy'... smart to suit themselves, crazy to make it work!

I wish my experiences were more 'normal' prior to mlc so that my emotional resources wouldn't feel too depleted ( I was already ‘wilting’ when mlc occurred ). The move was supposed to be a new beginning for the family away from the misfortune before - a time to heal. I put energy into carer role, did research re why child,c was affected - and took action' to have goals materialize. Then ... wait 4 it (!), 'this' happened (as though I needed a 3rd ‘project’ on top of the two!) I dont even know how 2/ or what I feel … actually I feel to go away. Bora Bora. Thatched roof off of a jetty projecting over turquoise ocean. Pina colada in one hand and a ‘batik- coloured type drink' in the other. btw, I read the thread / Book of Lou recently (as well as others, trying to catch up!!) - wow ! The 'space' (!!) she has is very attractive to me now.

Life WITH: ... re-capping the other anniversary, 1 yr later. (why? i feel the way I do ????!!)
It is harder to live with the mlcer I think (4 me anyway - such great immediate detaching is needed).

I suspect that it's easier to get on with one's life without the unpredictable ever changing extreme mlc moods & emotions in your face. The toxic churning that can b spewed at the LBS at any given time. You see, I was already 'down' when 'it' hit me. Like many of you, I had to exert MORE effort to cheer up within the same stinking space even when I didn’t ‘feel’ to. The need to 'self-will' constant PMA, the need to be upbeat, the need to hide when NMA (negative mental attitude) took hold b/c I was going through the motions & HAD TO express them somehow (unlike h who was free to express EXACTLY what he felt, whenever he felt!) The constant avoidance of the mlc-er during those times ... db-ing, observing, then tweaking, correcting, revising ... oh God. Space! oh God!

For me, & on those days when raging was very intense, I listened intently to determine whereabouts in the house as giving space, staying dim was imperative. Avoidance was key. Often laying low until I heard h leaving (this was welcome!). There were many days I was confined because funds were very low &/or didn’t have help during those periods. I was housebound. h was housebound (since jobs weren’t forthcoming), and during those times I looked for places to hide when anxious or sad. If i felt I could be 'found,' I tried to tidy myself up, look good, act pleasant - as there was no where to run to.

'Person Prompts:'
Mlc-ers are like journal prompts - but they are 'person prompts.' And these 'person prompts' come with unscheduled spikes of emotions of all kinds & intensities popping up within the shared environment - often when inconvenient.

This ‘visual,’ (the mlc-er, among other related influencers') was always nearby. There was so much effort to try to detach when that visual - the mlcer was a constant reminder of the history shared - and a trigger to recalling mlc experiences. There was no space to break from it all, NO SPACE TO ESCAPE from it, before getting back on with the false acts & pretences about feeling so dam good about life.

There were many days I 2nd guessed myself as self doubt was strengthened by fatigue. Looking for information here, but unable to filter the nuggets on many, many occasions. Dead end - I would try another day. It's hard to think 'effectively' when your own mind is distressed, tired, overloaded or brain fogged (& b/c of specific sitch you have to 'restain' until you can change the sitch).

'Gift of Space’:
It must be easier to have clearer head, think of where you're going, and plan the future while free to be oneself. Free to feel sad, mad or 'other' - instead of the constant PMA around mlc-er which isn't always authentically felt due to sitch! Lou/(Book of Lou thread) is luckier that way (by a 'little' margin as to NOT (!) under rate her pain I wouldn’t dare. this is rough stuff 4 all who come here). I just mean to say that she has the space to be HERSELF, to feel AUTHENTIC (whether good or bad) - with no pretences. For those of you NOT living with mlc-er, not only do “you have the gift of time” (quote > Cadet), but you also have the 'Gift of Space’ - don't take 4 granted!

Mind paper:
Like you, I am currently in M, after a year of trying (bd mar 6th 2014) - feel 'lukewarm'- I do know there are other ‘affecting’ factors that impact on overall sitch.

I put in on 'mind paper'.
> I have anxiety issues.
> I think I have been periodically mildly - moderately depressed.
> I am fighting for myself - whenever possible! (*GAL, PMA)
> I don’t have enough time for me -too much output, not enough *input to balance things out a bit
> I have been just over or below poverty line at different times. This one is hard! But I continue to try to change sitch. However, on a good note, I always manage to 'adjust accordingly relative to the sitch at the time ... (am grateful needs are met. have food, shelter, miss occasional bills but arrears are NEVER for long - thank u thank u! I do run a TIGHT ship to ensure that all stays manageable.
> My 2015 wish - wud love more help ( i can dream, can't i? :))
> I have created some interesting images - I feel some coming on after writing this post!!! (power of journalling??!!!

I will end as I don't want to forget ..