Toot Alors!

[Sotto]

Hi Barry, thanks for posting. It's good to know that your L charges the same. Must be the going rate! I'm going to start a monthly direct debit for £220, so I pay as I go along on their recommendation. Money will be pretty tight until things are resolved, but I think that's the best way for me.

Glad if reading my sitch helped you at all. Obviously I'm no expert - but I'm happy with the decision purely to formalise our S - which as it's been 8 monhts now seems like a good idea. And H is giving little positive signs - like saying he's been stupid, forgot what was important and "move on together." Who knows what that all means, but I don't want to file for D right now.

Actually, I'm finding things pretty tough just at the moment. I was on a fairly steady plane for a while, and reality is biting for me as we start to deal with offloading our family home. I know so many of us go through this, but it is tough. I loved living there and it was a very happy phase in my life that has come to an end. One of the things I'm coming to terms with is that I left 'like a thief in the night' when H told me about his A. I don't feel I left there 'properly' and I regret that now. I think it was all I could manage at the time though.

My sleep has been affected this week by what has been happening, and I feel much more emotional - back to the 'early' days in many ways. I think I will step up on the looking fter myself again, as I suspect things may get worse before they get better.

Actually, I think H is putting his BBPs on. In one of his emails to me he said he knew he needed to get his practical and financial head on and I think he is doing that. I offered to arrange and pay for our gardener to go in, and he said he would possibly do the work himself to save (me) the money. He has arranged decorators now, the bunny's new home and will also list the house with agents when it is ready.

I'm lucky that he is being so helpful really. I sense he may want to try and 'make amends' for the situation and feel he needs to be responsible for the bulk of things - IDK, and maybe mindreading. I have offered to help with things.

My biggest concern is to make arrangements for our very elderly cat (20) who stayed in the house with H. She is so old and frail now, but she is 'my' cat. I didn't want to move her. Part of me homes that she may end her days comfortably there. But I plan to ask if it is possible to bring her to my rented flat here. This is what was keeping me awake last night. I haven't even wanted to post about her here, because I feel bad about it.

Anyway, just needed to journal for a bit as feeling sad and teary this morning. I think I'm just dealing with 'brutal reality' now as per the Stockdale Paradox. But I figure if I made it through BD, I'll make it through this - and hopefully it will be a relief to get to the other side.