KGirl - letting the past go

[zew]

KG, I must confess. I've come by a couple of times this week and you have been just delightful. You have brought a big smile to my face several times, and I thank you for it.

You are your best source of optimism. I assure you, you will be just fine.

Mine said I was much less independent and much less trusting than the average person.

Duh. Just remember. You were trusting. Then you had reason not to be. It doesn't mean you won't be again. It also means that if you answer these questions in the context of H, you will skew the results horribly.

I don't know if the quizzes are just dumb or if I really have issues with being dependent/untrusting. I thought I had really put some work into that with all of my codependent reading and all, but it seems not. For example, one of the questions it asks is "Do you think it's OK to look at your partner's phone or email?" I chose the answer that went something like "yes, if it's warranted or they are hiding something." I have yet to find a guy on the site that I match above 90% with that has that same answer. In fact, they all put the opposite types of answers ("no, snooping is wrong") and that other answers are dealbreakers.

Look, we know these sites are pretty superficial. And we know we've been through some chit and maybe see a few more shades between black and white. So you know by your answer you are going to come across as a neurotic control freak. And also, you know how naive it is to say that snooping is a dealbreaker. So that leaves you with trying to answer as if everything were normal, so that you get the response you want, not scaring off the naively innocent, and not matching only the hopelessly fragile.

And then you realize that probably everyone is gaming this thing, so it's a crap shoot.

So how about this. Realize that you're a little hurt right now, but know that you'll lighten up. Take your honest answer, then scale back one notch toward how you remember yourself before all this crap happened. I'm not suggesting you compromise, but just account for the fact that you've been hurt, but that's not where you'll stay.

Even if the familiar/comfortable wasn't so great, at least it was familiar/comfortable.

This. This is squandering the opportunity that comes from all this crap. Look. We've been disrupted. Sure we were ready to live with what we had, but we've been dumped freed. If the familiar/comfortable wasn't great, this is your chance to do better. Do NOT pass this up. Go for great. My God, KG, to be single, 29, female, no kids, and knowing what you now know about relationships and your needs... Take your glass slipper and claim your prize.

I put 6+. I have yet to see anyone with that, they all put either 1, 2-3, or 3-5. Mostly on the low end. It's really terrifying to me. I keep thinking about what 25 posts sometimes, about how men get to know people through s*x whereas women need to know them first. I said that to some male friends the other day and they both snorted and one said "well, I'm glad that MOST women don't feel that way."

This brought a smile. Chortle. OK, a laugh. But it's true. As Starsky often says, men are really simple. But you have nailed it, sex means different things to men and women.

So, what can I say that will help... Don't do anything that you can't live with, but don't constrain yourself to the overly comfortable. That is, don't lose out on the chance to find what you want, for fear of rejection or being out of your comfort zone. Push yourself to get what you want, but don't lose sight of what you need to sleep well at night.