SAT PM: No Nookie...BUT I'M VERY EXCITED!!!!! I achieved something I don't think I have ever done in my life. I was able to contain my, anger, resentment, and rejection for an entire 3 days. (note: until 2 months ago I never felt this way so I never had this issue of containment). I completely faked it as best as I could...she saw "somthing" and it made her nervous because she was completely afraid she was going to a trigger a "talk".
Leaving her on the sofa last night...she thought I was totally pissed (which I was) but I just told her that she looked so comfortable on the (brand new) sofa, that I didn't want to disturb her and that it was sort of a joke. Guess what guys? You can bullsh!t the wives too and do a bad job of it. They will fool themselves into believing you! Just like we fool ourselves into thinking they are really into sex while having sex. I call this "strip club syndrom"...you logically know that the girls are completely after your money and that their sensual moves are to seduce the green faces in your wallet...not you but you pretend they do (actually I don't because I'm a cheap bastard and love money more than they do). Sorry, I'm rambling. I keep thinking that I'm going to invent enough colorful expressions here to write a book someday.
Anyway, W crashed in the middle of the movie tonight. She made a big point to try to kiss, rub etc. I know it's because she feels guilty and off-balance due to my "subtle" behavior the last few days. What's funny is that I forced myself to not get drawn in by it. I took the kisses like a pro...ie. someone who was completely disconnected from the person. But why is everything all or nothing to me? Hmmm....maybe I could work on "sort of enjoying".
I'm sure this is bad practice...maybe this is how she got into the state she's in. Years of "obliging" to someone who she thought wasn't meeting her expectations, but was not bad enough to leave. Maybe this is passive aggressive. I got great pleasure in cleaning the toothpaste crust off of my toothbrush with hers today. Oh man, swallowing the agitation...not sure if this is good but I can absolutely guarantee that tonight was more "loving" than it would have been had I addressed anything in the past few days.
My new plan is to "back-off" a little. Not constantly be in her face about relationship stuff. D6 was watching a cartoon today of a married hippo couple. At the end my W asked D6 about the moral of the story which she said had to do with the fact that "winning isn't everything unless you are having fun". I bit my tongue to avoid telling her that the actual moral of the story was the fact that their marriage works because they do recreation together. See marriagebuilders.com
So this is the way to do it now. She knows my needs (once on the weekends and once during the week). I know hers (don't be irritating and to pick up after myself). I know that's too simplistic and there are lot more dynamics going on. At any rate, another week out of town will be very helpful.
Another thing I just thought of is that we all seem to have this goal of "staying married". I don't just mean now, but from day 1. Something in our morals and ethics said that this is THE GOAL come "hell or high water". It definitely affects our behavior because we would have otherwise made a huge stink the first time W "fell asleep" on the anniversary. We don't want to rock the boat. What will really suck and force us to go to therapy if any of us get a D is that we will feel like complete idiots for not making a stink immediately. We spent years suffering, taking the "hits" and the rejection to preserve the peace and the result is still the same. I feel fortunate that I'm only 10 years into our M and 35. My time investment seems insignificant now.
Now, my defense mechanism to deal with the rejection seems to be that I'm magnifying the traits I don't like about W. Her constant tiredness, her "homebody", non-athletic, non-goal-oriented character. Tonight she said "you're the one". I'm thinking "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Does she not realize that right now, I'm choosing her? Does she not get that I'm currently faking it to get the "love energy" back in the marriage. Does she really think that my calling her my "girlfriend" is just a cute "role-play" thing I'm doing it to make our R sound exciting? Excuse me Mrs. Dave36, I'M CALLING YOU MY GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE AT THIS POINT, THE RELATIONSHIP IS PROVISIONAL. Sorry if this sounds totally harsh. The fact that we have a daughter really screws this up, but I will say this too....thank goodness we didn't have another one. Want to know the formula for male birth-control? Mountain Bike for over 2 hours x 2 times a week. The bumpier, the better. Then masturbate on the days you don't ride. We tried to have another (which I was never really excited about). Note: Another reason I should start riding again is that it really does kill the libido some.
Actually, we were having a very sweet, romantic moment when I first called her "girlfriend". I also told her to call me her "boyfriend". Her response was "I like the sound of husband better". Do you see where this is going? The idea of a "boyfriend" implies "fun, spontaneity, passion, euphoria, and of course sex". The idea of "husband"? Well, I think you get my point. This exercise is an attempt to get her to see the R in a new way and break out of the habits. If we have a big setback, I should take her wedding ring and mine and put them in a secret hiding place and truly declare ourselves as a couple that need to prove themselves to one another. After I get comfortable with the R, I will propose to her again and we will get married again. This way it's not as dramatic (or venomous) as a separation. It implies that I'm committed to the idea of courting and re-proving myself to her as a worthy partner. A dangerous game...I bet the therapists and LD wives are going to kick my ass for this idea. Once again, I'm just rambling a bunch of BS.
